Signal Protection

A serious issue was brought to my attention after close of business last Friday.  A trusted informant alerted me about our risk of exposure to unauthorized signals intelligence efforts.  I always thought signals intelligence was a board game, but I had been given erroneous information--probably on purpose.  There are those who endeavor to keep AcMo in the dark about everything.  So far that campaign has been successful, but the situation is evolving. 

Signals intelligence is a rapidly advancing technological weapon.  This tech has been used for years against unsuspecting civilians.  Most people are unaware that their brains leak information that can be intercepted by anyone with the proper equipment.  It is unwise for me to elaborate on this topic since we don't know who might intercept this post. 

There are a select group of citizens who believed tin foil hats offered some protection from signal emissions, but they were quite wrong.  It turns out this was by design.  The reason tin foil hats don't work is because of a design flaw built into the manufacturing process of the foil.  I have discovered that this flaw is a result of intense pressure to keep unimpeded access to our most private thoughts available. 

Why would any foil manufacturer agree to this?  I believe that the responsible party is quite skilled at providing the appropriate amount of pressure against almost any entity.  The tin foil manufacturers would only agree to do this if they had a solution to protect their own thoughts from being hijacked.  Through a great deal of solid detective work, and a bit of luck, I have discovered the secret formula.  The development path of our newest device was a difficult one.  So many of our products originate from the quest to develop a better solution to either a non-existent problem, or one we created ourselves.  This product was derived from a need to protect unwitting citizens from unauthorized brain signal theft.  

There are groups out there who are not content to monitor all Internet traffic, they want to know what we're going to post before it even reaches the Internet.  The only reliable way I know of to do that is to get the signal straight out of the head.  Complete world domination is only a few moves away if total brain access can be achieved.

With the weight of that realization on all of us, I was told that the AcMo scientists spent the entire weekend creating brain signal protecting foil for new hats.  Due to the complex construction process, we can only offer the product in one color. Adding dyes diminishes the signal blocking effectiveness to an unacceptable level. This is an example of function over fashion. Your signals will thank you. 

We also took the liberty of redesigning the hats for a more stylish appearance.  We got rid of the angles in favor of organic curves.  The first thought people will have when seeing one of our hats being worn will no longer be that a tin foil boat is on top of the wearer's head. Now they will see a shape that represents an exact replica of a scaled down flying saucer.  This is by design since everyone knows what a flying saucer looks like even if the memory is being blocked by outside forces, and it will indicate that the wearer means serious business.  Consider it a multifunctional beret, only better.  The only giveaway that something special lurks within the material are the seven micro antennas used to coordinate signal disruption.  They are almost invisible to the casual observer, but those who belong to this select group of aware citizens will know right away what they are seeing.

The marketing team hasn't had time to review the prototypes to create brochures and calculate a suggested retail price, but I can tell you that these things are gems.  I wouldn't be surprised to see one featured in a museum exhibit in the near future.  Sure, they look nice and you'll look swell wearing one, but the thing everyone wants to know is whether or not they work.

It is so efficient that it can also obstruct and/or obfuscate incoming signals.  Consider it a signal black hole.  AcMo has done it again!  I put a development prototype on my head Saturday morning around 05:00, and I don't remember a thing until this morning when someone I didn't recognize removed it from my head.  We are still testing to see if there are any side effects from prolonged usage, but I am eager to test it for a full week to see what happens.  We also hope to begin road testing utilizing one of our clients who could benefit from our tech during his daily traffic congested commute.  AcMo's Ultimate Signal Protection Head Gear may just be a miracle device.  It is impressive and that's from an organization that is known for cranking out miracle devices. 

Don't think we've been wasting our time just developing this product for people.  An adorable coyote wandered into our shop on Friday--I was going to mention it, but it didn't seem relevant at the time--so we decided to engineer a version for it to test.  We chose the coyote because it was there, and it seemed like the safest way to deal with it before it killed all of us.  We were met with surprising initial resistance and a fair amount of violent biting before the team could get the test unit on the coyote's head.  The encouraging results of that initial test indicated to me that it would be safe to test our development prototype on my own head.

Our hope is that we can create an additional use for these devices as a tool to quiet the incessant barking of random dogs in our general area.  We have determined that pleading with the dogs to be quiet is ineffective and depressing.  Talking with barking dogs is often similar to dealing with some of our more difficult clients.  I am creating even more potential uses right now as I consider the device.  This is quite exciting!  I see a long and profitable future for our newest product.  The best part is that since this is a hat and classified as apparel, there aren't any regulatory hurdles we need to worry about jumping.

As with all great scientific discoveries the establishment doesn't want released, expect to see attempts by unnamed parties to discredit AcMo and its products.  Do not be fooled by the numerous attempts of character assassination of AcMo's leadership.  These will all be coordinated  by the aforementioned unnamed parties and will not succeed if you do your parts.  Please be ready to don your AcMo Ultimate Signal Protection Head Gear so we can get to work saving the world.