AcMo Teleporter

My only objective for today was to wind down as I prepare to make my staff redundancies public. For the first time since its inception all those years ago, AcMo itself is slowing down. It is a weird feeling because everyone here is used to full acceleration all of the time.  It almost feels like something is broken. Being broken is normal here, but slow and broken is a new condition I don't like.  My lazy day was interrupted by an IM. I hate it when that happens because IMs always arrive while I'm daydreaming about a new product or revenue stream.  That stupid sound tears me from the answer I was seconds from grabbing.  It's impossible to get back to that moment.  I've tried so many times.  What gets me so mad is that I'm not even logged on to any of the networks, so I can't figure out how I keep receiving IMs in the first place.  I told everyone not to bother me with those, but no one listens. I'm glad they didn't listen this time even though I was prepared to fire the sender before I had viewed the contents.  Sometimes it pays to be patient when making a rash decision.

This particular IM contained exciting news from AcMo's engineering team. They have developed a self-powered teleporter!  It appears that the initial tests have been so promising that we are going to rush the teleporters into a private beta.  I would have gone down to Engineering to see it for myself, but it is too far to walk on an empty stomach.  Our last IM exchange was a failed attempt by me to get them to teleport a teleporter to my office so I could teleport back to Engineering.  This was the response:  "?"  What does that even mean?  How can I be expected to translate that?  I hate IMs and their vague, ambiguous sub-texts.  I don't know how to read between the lines.  I have enough trouble reading the lines.  That's why I can never stay in my lane on the highway.

Since I wasn't going to walk down there before having my lunch, I thought it would be good for morale if I at least pretended to do something productive.  I spent most of the morning emailing executives at FedEx and UPS to let them know we were about to eliminate their revenue streams.  I did this as a professional courtesy so they would have time to transition out of the shipping business and into something else.  Because I'm a helpful person, I also provided an industry they could enter that wouldn't put them in direct competition with AcMo since they always lose when they go against us.  I can't wait to see what they do with their workforce when they start their business textbook publishing companies.  I even offered to teleport their books for free.  I left out the detail that I would be teleporting them straight into recycle bins though.  I'm going to save the business world one bad textbook at a time if I must.

These are exciting days indeed.  One thing I've learned while memorizing every business buzz word that conveys aptitude and competence is that it is important to be proactive (at the appropriate times) in business and in life, and I had already identified a strategic partner that could help us explode our market share.  Of course I'm referring to Amazon.  The drone thing was always just a pipe dream.  I want to discuss taking Prime shipping to the next level.  I've already picked out a name for the platinum level of Prime:  Amazon Instant Prime (Optimus was taken).  Buy it, receive it.  No hassle, no delay.  Imagine the possibilities.  I don't expect to hear anything back from the shipping companies because they'll be busy modifying their operations, but Amazon should be replying any moment to ask how they can help expedite this.  [Amazon executives had not yet responded by publication time]

The details are not clear--I wasn't even aware they were working on this tech--but I can't wait to try it for the first time.  I'm sure everyone in marketing is already preparing media packages and scientific journal articles to announce our breakthrough to the world.  They always know their roles in this organization.  It's my only department that runs itself.  Or at least I think it does because I don't know what they are doing, and I still don't understand marketing.  I see them typing at their computers all day, but pages that should correspond to their effort don't ever materialize.  Maybe we're in the middle of an electronic black hole.

Hold on...this can't be correct.  I just received another IM from the team. I don't know whether I should laugh, cry, or just throw in the wet towel I left on the bed after my morning shower.  I may just do all of the above to make sure I'm covered.  It appears there was an issue with the last message. Autocorrect has struck again in the worst way. The engineering team has developed a new adaptive teleprompter that can create speeches in real-time, or modify your existing speech if it isn't killing it with the audience. Those features require both Internet access and a direct connection with Watson (IBM's Watson, not the doctor).  While exciting, it isn't quite the breakthrough I had thought.  The situation is further complicated because IBM is still upset with us for trashing their cloud server business over a billing dispute.  It's not like one bad Yelp review is going to put them out of business or anything.  I paid, they claim they never received the funds.  I know what's up.  

Now that I have the idea for a teleporter stuck in my head, I have to commission the team to develop a working one. That would make life in general, and my assault on Omnicron Corp.'s base so much easier. I am certain marching in there with a teleprompter over my shoulder isn't going to do much other than make me look insane.  It appears I will have to wait at least until next week before the redundancies can be made public.  I want to give the team one last shot at glory before I send them all packing.  I'm not being cold, that's just the nature of the business.  At least they'll be able to end on a high note, and then I can teleport them out of the offices.  What's great is that I should be able to teleport everyone at all of our bases at around the same time as long as I can harness enough power.  We have some hookups at the local nuclear power plant to make that happen, so if a couple cities go dark for a few hours in the coming weeks, you'll know what happened.