Push Back

At least Snob Duben is predictable.  I had anticipated resistance from him after yesterday's post, but I didn't think it would be so swift.  He is still unwilling to accept that he is wrong.  He has gone as far as exclaiming that our deal is off unless I apologize and admit I am the one who is incorrect.  Since I am not wrong, that can never happen.  I don't want to lose this deal, so it appears it may be time for me to use some leverage to persuade him he is on the wrong path.  The data I've compiled from handling the C. Scagnetti situation with Compensation Package will serve me well.

My negotiation skills are not strong, so I have to go straight to my best and most effective weapon:  knowledge.  I don't have time to utilize game theory or figure out how to acquiesce without admitting error.  We have important work that is being delayed by these contract shenanigans.  I have to put a stop to this as fast as possible.  Our way forward involves a spider or maybe multiple spiders.  Snob Duben is afraid of spiders.  I can leverage his fear to gain his compliance.  It may require the use of two spiders.  The first one would be free to roam in his general vicinity, while I will tape the second one to Snob's back.  I can't think of a better motivator than that.

The plan requires that I find the largest non-venomous spiders I can.  The non-venomous part is important enough to mention again.  I would just use our resident funnel web spider, but it doesn't have the courage or physical size for this mission.  My decision on the number of spiders deployed will depend upon how difficult it is to catch and train them to move on command.

Candidate #1 failed the tests & flushed itself down the toilet.

The only difficult part about this plan is the spider procurement.  I'm not afraid of them like Snob, but I don't trust them.  Their beady little eyes and singular focus as killing machines cannot hide the fact that a spider will strike the second you turn your back on it.  They hide in the shadows and drop down onto your face when you least expect it.  The breakaway speed of some spiders can be quite alarming as well.  All of those legs moving so quickly is not natural.  Even at maximum velocity, a spider's only thought is, "kill".  We are similar in that regard because when I see a spider my only thought is to kill it with fire.  However because we are all about acceleration here, I will allow for additional study to determine the source of their breakaway speed.  We might be able to implement our findings into new and exciting future AcMo products.

Unless I can come up with an alternative and less dangerous plan, I'm going to be forced to pursue the arachnid option.  This time I will be smart enough to avoid meeting at an AcMo facility so that when the spider escapes, and it turns out to be venomous, it will not endanger our workforce or clients.  That's why we are going to meet in a public place with a lot of people.

My biggest fear is that the spider will form an unhealthy attachment and try to find its way to AcMo looking for me.  We are developing a GPS beacon that we will attach to the spider so it can be tracked at all times.  The device will be undetectable by the spider, but others may notice the blinking access indicator.  I don't think spiders communicate with each other, so that shouldn't be a problem.  Spiders also don't have any legal rights or an expectation of privacy, so we don't need a warrant to monitor their activities.  There are a number of options if we can break into the spider's network.  Once we see how they operate and who controls the webs, we can work on usurping their authority in order to own their whole operation.

Right now our priority is to monitor our environment to keep it spider free.  The GPS beacon will trigger an alarm whenever the spider gets within 3 meters of our location.  That will give us adequate time to prep the flame throwers and prepare for complete building decimation if necessary.  Building decimation is a last resort, but I would rather lose a base than have it become occupied by spiders.

Since I now have the data that indicates most of the potential failure modes for this operation, I will be prepared this time.  I wouldn't have even entertained this option under normal circumstances, but it worked so well on C. Scagnetti that I have to try.  We will not have a repeat of Compensation Package's rampage through our offices though.  The stray cats that patrol the building will be placed on high alert and offered bonuses for eliminating any spider threats.  It seems wise to just put the cats on alert now because this post has me watching over my shoulder for spiders and my neck hairs are already at full attention.  I think the spiders know our plans and are plotting a pre-emptive strike.  We will be prepared.  I hope.