Unnatural Forces

Life is all fun and games until an injury occurs.  It doesn’t matter if it was self-inflicted, or the result of an unusual set of circumstances that culminated in a self-inflicted injury.  Everything is transformed into doom and gloom if your perspective isn’t right.  This is why medicine exists; it can erase doom and gloom through selective brain manipulation.  We wanted to take that approach a few steps beyond rational.  We checked the storage lockers, but we don’t have any neurosurgeons on staff at the moment so we had to aim for a treatment option a bit lower than brain manipulation.

Sometimes our loyal readers alert us to new and promising technologies that can augment our revenue streams, or create new ones.  This is one of those times.  The research department's funding gets scrutinized whenever they are scooped by the public because the board doesn’t see the wisdom in paying for research when we're receiving viable leads for free from our readers.  The entire research division is at risk of becoming redundant.  This is as much a warning as it is a motivational tool.

Today's new project involves Electromagnetic Bone Fusion (EBF).  The principle is complicated, but the essence is that it is designed to do stuff with magnets and power, but it is just mundane healing stuff, nothing groundbreaking.  That's OK because AcMo is here to take this medical tool to the next level.  The best part is that we are not constrained by the FDA, so we are free to go as far off book as required to garner results.  We do not let arbitrary limits block us from our goals.

I need to first dispense with some warnings.  Do not attach the AcMo Amplified Electromagnetic Bone Fuser® (AAEBF) unless you are in need of its services.  It will, just as the name states, fuse to your bones.  This is not helpful if your bones were not in need of additional fusing, and can cause undesirable side effects.  You can forget about ever passing through any security scan that involves a metal detector, and good luck explaining why you have an electromagnetic device, 50 foot extension cord, and refrigerator sized power supply attached to your body without a doctor's note.  Been there, done that, and the end result is not entertaining.  The AAEBF can't be used near any other electronic signals or inside airplanes at any times.  The AAEBF has a particular dislike for microwave ovens, and will force you to destroy them if you activate it in the vicinity of one.  Most residential building floors are not rated to withstand the weight of the entire AAEBF so do not be surprised if and/or when the floor collapses.  Those are the most pressing issues that any potential user needs to know about before embarking on this amazing journey.

Our system is simple in that we accelerate the fusion and amplify the electromagnet power to create bones infused with electrical powers.  It is similar to the process used to create herb infused olive oil, only much better.  This is the first stage of creating a real life Magneto.  At least that is how we think it will work.

We are trying to determine if further modifications will produce even greater results.  We desperately need more super heroes among us.  The next stage of this wonderful journey toward becoming Magneto, sans the helmet, would be to augment brainpower by strengthening the internal magnetic field surrounding the brain.  That would also be the AAEBF, but we will substitute "brain" for “bone".  This will reduce the amount of required marketing materials and simplifies packaging expenditures.  We are an efficient and cost conscious operation.  Any dollar we save is added to our profit margin.

The reader who alerted us to EBF is already using one, and we are preparing the data now to persuade her to allow us to modify her device to augment her current super power level.  We are hopeful she will agree and then we will implement the modifications we've already completed in anticipation of her consent.  We always have something in reserve, and in this case, she doesn’t realize that she has enrolled in our Involuntary Beta Tester Program (IBTP), so her consent is a foregone conclusion.  We will only reveal that information if the traditional coercion methods prove unsuccessful.  She’s a reasonable person, she wouldn’t be a loyal reader otherwise, so I’m confident we can get her in the program without too much pressure.

All of our simulations have indicated that she will become faster, stronger, smarter, and will have the power to control all magnetic materials with her mind.  That kind of power can wreak havoc on hard drives, so we have to remember to build a special carbon fiber lab to conduct our tests.  This will also require creating new sensor types to provide real-time telemetry.  It won’t be easy, but we’re capable of handling difficult.

If any of you see our test subject floating on a metal saucer, you’ll know we’ve succeeded in creating our very own Magneto.  Do not fear that we are creating a super villain; her powers will only be used for good, and the occasional vehicle levitation to help us win more DEs.  In fact, we’ll call it the AcMo Ultimate Traction Control^®.  This should become mandated technology for every new vehicle in just a few years.