Billion Dollar Juicer

This is a rare occurrence, and I will definitely deny it later, but it appears that I was wrong yesterday.  At least I think it was yesterday.  It is so hard to make sense of the days.  Sometimes the hardest part about writing is knowing what to write.  I attack these posts with vigor and a sense of purpose each day because I am on a mission.  I want the world to purchase AcMo’s enormous assortment of innovative products, and the message needs to be spread without involving the marketing department if at all possible.

Deciding what amazing AcMo innovation or product to announce each day is a difficult task because they are all worthy of top billing.  I haven’t created any new infomercials because there were too many casualties during filming of the last one, and I don’t like to do anything marketing suggests.  I only hired them because my advisor said I had to have a marketing department in order to be viewed as a serious enterprise.  So far the marketing department has done nothing to bolster our public image or move products.  That level and type of production makes it hard to build a case for keeping them here.

Today I found out a juicer exists that costs $5000.  This juicer isn’t lined with gold or made from titanium and carbon fiber with platinum wiring as far as I know.  There’s not a hint of palladium or Kevlar anywhere in the construction list.  It doesn’t juice fruits any better or faster than a $100 juicer, doesn’t have Wi-Fi or Netflix access, can’t read your texts out loud or operate hands free, and it won’t operate as a whole house generator when not juicing, but somehow it costs $5000.  This discovery has opened my eyes and allowed me to see the direction AcMo needs to head in order to fulfill my objectives.

Once we have learned what level of ludicrous markup consumers will tolerate, we will apply that to all of our current and future products.  Past purchasers will be expected to provide the difference from their purchase price to the new improved price.  Violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.  We are going to need a lot of data to get this formula correct.  If we can capture every fool who would happily buy a $5000 juicer, we will be able to sponsor our own private track days instead of literally crashing into and at events that we have not been invited to join on an official basis.  Talk about awkward conversations.

The first phase of the plan is to create another juicing trend.  I’m not talking about the type of juice some MLB players are fond of using to increase their numbers, but 100% unadulterated actual fruit juice.  I was informed this past week by a reliable source that all attention deficit problems are caused by red dye.  Red Bull may be in a bit of a bind once this news becomes common knowledge.  They’ll for sure have to replace their bull.  Because being reactive is just as important as being proactive, I immediately banned red dye from all AcMo facilities.  Any employee or client caught using it will be sent to Russia to work on the oil pipeline.  My specific problem is that I don’t utilize red dye so that can’t be the cause of my inability to focus on more than ten tasks at once.

Fomenting the natural fruit juice craze is a precursor to our most important move.  AcMo is going to scoop up the world’s supply of normal priced juicers to increase demand just as this new fad is surging across the globe.  I estimate these two steps will take a few weeks to engineer.

The situation becomes interesting after the first two phases have been completed.  The normal priced juicers in the warehouse will be rebranded and repackaged as AcMo Juice Masters and then sold for a quite reasonable $4900 US.  We will at once decimate our competition by offering more affordable pricing, and we will reap mega profits on the margins for our rebranded juicers.  Depending on how hard it is to keep the wave rolling, we may also venture into the blender segment to capture that related market.

As with everything AcMo, there is an end objective in sight, and it might not be what you predict.  I have had my eye on a set of special gold wheels for our shop vehicle for years, but the track budget has always demanded to be fed first, middle, and last.  That voracious appetite has made it impossible to procure the wheels of destiny that will propel AcMo toward setting unbeatable track records.

How do I know these wheels will roll us to DE victory?  I’m glad you asked.  The answer is obvious:  Michael Jordan.  Jordan was an unwitting test subject for AcMo Data Services.  We studied every aspect of his game for years and determined the secret to his phenomenal success was all in the shoes, not his fast twitch muscles.  Once we extrapolated that knowledge to automobiles, we determined that the equivalent to Jordan’s shoes would be a set of these special gold wheels.  These wheels are both expensive and difficult to find.  I know my theory will be proven as fact as soon as I can get them on the car.  What’s more, if our juicer sales do even half as well as projected, AcMo should be able to procure both a Ferrari F40 and 288 GTO to learn how fast they are on track with gold wheels.  This would be the definitive test of these vehicles, and I can finally put Snob Duben in his place and close this debate forever.

Enjoy your weekend, people because the juicapocalypse begins on Monday.  Who’s thirsty?