Information Leak

One luxury holiday weekends afford me is a quiet headquarters.  I take these moments to reflect on life, visualize my future, perform routine counter-surveillance sweeps, and brainstorm unexplored revenue channels. Part of my counter-surveillance package is handled by using aggressive techniques. The entire building is shielded to prevent any unauthorized signals being transmitted in either direction. This is why no one can get a cell signal in here, but I tell the employees it is the fault of their respective cell carriers. It's funny to watch each of them criticize all of the major carriers without realizing the truth.

Every room in AcMo headquarters is monitored by using audio/video recorders and vibration sensors.  This is one of the reasons I love GoPro cameras so much.  Those darn things fit almost anywhere, and pick up everything.  I don't know how anyone got by without them.  I can see how some *might* think this is a few levels beyond paranoia, but walk a mile in my slippers before you judge me.  Assuming you can fit into my slippers, they will be my gift to you as I will never wear them again after they have been soiled by someone else's feet.

I've had a string of crushing business defeats these past few months, and normal competitive practices can't explain the problems.  This is something else.  Something far more sinister which erodes my faith in the existence of benevolence in humans.  I have devised new products that were only shared with key AcMo personnel, only to find that one of our major competitors is about to initialize production of the very product I had just created!  How can this be possible?

Thank you for inquiring.  I will tell you exactly how this happens:  someone has been leaking proprietary AcMo data to our competitors.  I discovered a leak in my security protocols while performing my routine holiday security sweep.  I spend at least twenty minutes per cubicle, and up to two hours per office rummaging through my employees belongings to find evidence of wrongdoing.  Between the audio/video recordings, key stroke loggers, and exterior cell phone monitoring this may look like illegal operations, but I assure you it is not.  I operate in a one party consent state, and the fine print of every employee contract eliminates the employee's rights to privacy the moment they begin working at AcMo.  Their cell phones are supplied by AcMo--well, that's what I tell them, but there's no way I'm going to give the employee's their salaries and pay for their cell phones.  I'm a generous person, but that's over the edge.  Since they believe the phones are AcMo property, I am well within my legal rights as a job creator to monitor everything that is done while using those phones.  This also provides handy GPS traces of all of my employees travel patterns.  None of them have noticed this yet because the print is so fine that it can only be read via an electron microscope.  Legal indicates I'm protected since it is in the contract.

During my visualization session, my mind opened itself to the solution to my problem.  I now have a foolproof plan to discover the source of AcMo's leak.  Once I've located the leak, I can apply a permanent solution.  Starting tomorrow I will supply several key employees with propaganda disguised as sensitive information, and I will follow the information trail back to the leak. Once I have uncovered the mole, I will use her/him/them to disrupt the operations of our competitors who have been profiting from our stolen proprietary data.

The plan will no doubt lead back to at least these companies:  Microsoft, Google, Carfax, Krispy Kreme, Dunkin' Donuts, Ferrari, Coca-Cola, K-Mart, Highway Patrol, and 3M.  Once I've confirmed their suspected duplicitous natures, I plan to wage war on them all through social media.  It will be nice to go on the offensive for once, and take back what is mine in the process.  I will also donate funds to my Alma Mater if my mission proves successful.  I at least owe them for destroying the sign at the campus entrance, but that's another story.

Have a safe and happy Memorial Day, and if you find items out of place on your desk upon your return, I don't know anything about it.