Special Operations Division

Due to the time constraints associated with the rabbit hole known as Youtube, the announcement of the rollout of the new department was delayed.  The memo, for those privileged enough to receive it--was sent out early and had to be collected, redacted, and re-submitted.  I have to thank Brian Williams and Jimmy Fallon for wasting my morning on Youtube, and destroying the day's profit potential.  I am, as always, contemplating litigation to recoup lost revenues.

Yesterday was the first board meeting I've ever fallen asleep during.  There have been others, well, almost all of them, when I zoned out for the duration of the meeting, but I've always managed to stay conscious.  The toll of the SWAT team fiasco has drained me, and I couldn't listen to the board continue to exclaim, "blah, blah, blah...unmitigated PR disaster blah...why do we need a disco bus...blah, blah and there goes the holiday bonus again!"  I'm beginning to understand that the board is only concerned with their bonus money and the continued distribution of said money, and not AcMo's health.  This is the penalty of hiring your board from the free newspaper's classifieds.  I handle the high level duties by myself, but the correct response for this incident required more finesse than I could bring to the problem.

My trash bin business books have not yet proven useful, in some small part because I'm unable to get past the fourth page in any of them.  I don't know what it is, but as soon as I start reading, I become sad to the point I don't want to do it anymore.  Job creation is important, energizing, fun, and dangerous, but somehow the textbooks make it all seem so distasteful.  I blame the authors.  I knew I needed a decisive response that would calm the board and garner support for my leadership position.  The answer came to me like a feather in the wind which turns out to still be attached to the duck now attacking you.  This is the time to make a large acquisition that doesn't fit within AcMo's core competencies just to prove we could and that we're powerful, but there wasn't enough money in the piggy bank to buy a water slide.  Instead, I turned to my faithful marketing department for a solution.

I'm so glad I had the foresight and wisdom to hire a marketing team.  The marketing department has created a Special Operations Division (SOD) focused on causing external disasters disguised as internal ones, and non-violent internal disaster resolution.  This complex structure was necessitated by the unforeseen results of last week's live fire training exercise.  The external disaster team will destabilize our closest competitors while removing AcMo from the news cycle.  Internal disaster response is focused upon keeping the desk engineers from burning down our headquarters when the welding projects don't get along.  I didn't believe dissimilar metal welders could be so territorial until I saw it for myself.  If one splinter of titanium gets into aluminum's space, a fight erupts.  Magnesium does a slow burn, and no one is safe for hours.  The sad part is that these guys are not fighters.  It becomes a slap fest between padded gloves and welding helmets.  I can't even tell who I'm supposed to bet on because I can't distinguish them when they are wearing their helmets.  Remember the first rule of Welding Club...

Internal also works in partnership with external in those rare instances the forces create collateral damage that requires massaging from within AcMo.  Here is a hypothetical to explain:  the external team stages an accident that appears to have been caused by an AcMo competitor.  Everything has gone according to plan until evidence emerges that the competitor may have been framed.  At that time, the internal team springs into action to redirect the investigation's focus back onto the competitor.  An additional important part of the internal team's mission is to scrub any negative mentions of AcMo from record.  This is difficult when the negative references appear in print because it requires collecting every copy and then destroying it.  I'm happy I won't have to do this by myself any longer.

The external team's first mission is to discredit all major automotive news sources so AcMo can take their place as the definitive source for quasi-accurate news pilfered from various popular auto forums.  The rest will just be made up by my staff of writers.  The teams were activated yesterday evening a few hours after the board meeting had concluded.  I know I left the meeting, I just assumed it was finished because no one was speaking.  Perhaps I should check the conference room to be sure.  I'm too busy right now, so maybe I'll get to it later.  Once the teams are given an assignment, they will not stop until it has been completed, or they are terminated.  There aren't any exceptions.  The external team is probably infiltrating AutoWeek's offices as we speak.

SOD works fast at every level.  They have already sanitized the police report which eliminated any record of AcMo involvement, and all of the news footage from the hostage situation has already been destroyed.  Now all I have to do is disappear my new bus Hoffa style, and all of the incriminating evidence will be cleansed.

Anywho, on a more ominous note, I need to disclose that I've heard rumors regarding changes in the accounting department.  I don't want to give voice to these rumors at this time, but I will share any actionable intelligence gained from the wiretaps I have in the office.  I can share that more money will be arriving as soon as my Nigerian deal concludes in the next few months.  I'm excited for that extra revenue.  It will go a long way toward insurrection defense measures, and it will allow us to buy more cars for testing purposes.

There is a storm brewing outside, and I've been ordered to move to shelter.