When Tactical Training Goes Bad

The live fire exercise was not the success I had hoped it would be.  The SWAT team handled their mission with the tactical precision expected of them.  They are every bit as effective and professional as you've seen on TV.  Their diminutive size also allowed them to sneak onto the bus undetected.  I am ashamed to say that underperform doesn't begin to describe the manner in which my team behaved.  The plan went sideways from the moment the hostage scenario commenced.  Stan, my former favorite field engineer, surprised us all by joining the hostage takers.  I didn't think it was possible for Stockholm syndrome to set in that fast.  A descriptive term for the level of panic on that bus doesn't yet exist.  This was several levels beyond terror.  More than the moment in Alien when the chest burster introduced itself.  Even in our failures, AcMo overachieves.

Stan tendered his resignation the moment he joined the hostage takers.  He was quite embarrassed when he learned it was an exercise.  I had no choice but to accept his resignation at that point.  Plus, he was shot and bleeding.  I can't have employees around the AcMo offices bleeding everywhere.  It was even worse that he was bleeding on the upholstery of our rental bus.  Talk about bringing down the mood of the room.

The scariest part was that the hostage takers and their attack Segways barely fit on the bus.  Stress is contagious, and in a packed environment like that, even I was starting to lose my cool.  I'm as cool as ice, so that is saying something.  Besides scratching all of the furniture, they did a good job of running over my employees.  Any of the interior that was undamaged by the hostage takers was handled by the SWAT team's bullets.  They never miss, but they sure do fire a lot of bullets.  It was a small miracle that the engine wasn't shot.

We also misplaced another(?!) test driver (not our Daewoo refugee), and a couple of interns.  I would share their names, but I didn't know them.  As CEO, Chief Creative Officer, and Head of Procurement, Subterfuge, and Obfuscation, I can't be expected to know all of the finer details of this operation.  There just aren't enough hours in the day for me to be that involved in all of the cogs that comprise this gigantic machine.  To be honest, I'm not even sure they were on the bus.  I forgot to do the routine head count before we left, and the buddy system broke down at the first sign of trouble.

The regular police arrived on the scene within minutes to remove the hostage takers and their Segways from our bus.  The SWAT team disappeared like the ninjas they are, but I was able to show the captain to the patrol officers, and he explained the situation.  I was given a warning for not notifying the district that we were conducting a live fire exercise, which I was more than happy to accept.  The employees who weren't sent to the hospital had to go to the precinct to answer questions, but I controlled the SWAT team, so I had a pass.  With the AcMo staff traumatized, decimated, and no longer on the bus, I decided to get my money's worth and go to the zoo.  The bullet holes in the bus added character, and I can learn to accept those.  It was quite a hit at the zoo.  The rental company wasn't as accepting, and the only way I could avoid prosecution was to agree to purchase the bus as-is.  AcMo now owns a bus.

The vibe didn't improve once I arrived at the zoo.  None of the animals would cooperate with my numerous attempts for photos.  My long range lens wasn't up to the task, but I still tried to capture the zebras.  They are every bit as fast as horses, and don't like to be stared at for more than three-seconds.  I even climbed into the tiger cage to get a selfie, but the tiger swiped my phone.  I was asked to leave after that.  I think the only reason I avoided arrest was because I still had the SWAT team with me in my pockets.

We weren't allowed off of the train, and the zebras were not interested.

Those are zebras, and not small horses in disguise.

The only animals that would cooperate were the prairie dogs, but who wants to see pictures of those?

Looking at the encounter with the benefit of hindsight paints a dim picture of my forecasting abilities. The Hindenburg, Titanic, and Enron were all doomed to fail, but who knew that 100% before it happened?  I make the hard decisions, and I do that armed with the knowledge I have at the time. Additional knowledge gained by having the total picture after the fact doesn't change the outcome, but it does make it easier to see how a couple minor points could have been handled better.  For example, I will get the extra insurance next time I rent a bus.

Variables are always present. Knowing any idea is destined for failure ahead of time is almost impossible. Since I don't have a functional time machine--yet, we're working on it--or a rewind button, I have to take chances. Everyone does it all of the time, but most of society is deluded into thinking these chances are just choices that can't have negative consequences.  Next time you end up with a bullet riddled party bus, remember how you were judging me at the time I was going through the experience.

The police impounded the bus after I parked in a spot designated for police only at the zoo.  Imagine the shame of being kicked out of the zoo for trying to snag a righteous selfie and failing.  Couple that with the knowledge that your new and messed up bus has been taken.  Some days it's hard to be me.  This sad tale will one day turn into triumph when I can liberate my new bus from its current home in the police impound lot.  I have not been given a date I will be able to retrieve it.

The SWAT team is still partying on MY bus!