Reading Trouble

This weekend gave me the opportunity to start a process that should alleviate a cloud that has been hanging over me ever since I started this journey all those years ago with Snob Duben.  The situation would not have unfolded the way it did if I had been able to attend business school to learn how business works.  At the time, I felt the demands every school made were extreme, and since none of them would guarantee Fortune 500 status for my corporation if I matriculated with them, I deferred.  My inexperience and hubris almost cost me everything.  I've been trying to correct that error ever since.

These business textbooks that I thought were the first step on a path of redemption are instead responsible for stealing my remaining sanity.  There must have been a reason I found so many of them in the garbage bin that fateful day.  I saw an amazing deal, but I never stopped to think of the ramifications of my discovery.  I have inflicted a curse upon myself.  I have tried everything to get through my required reading.  I flip to random pages, and I end up asleep before finishing the first sentence.  I've tried reading backward, sideways, and even upside down (that one hurt when I fell asleep and landed on my head).  I tried reading while driving, but I still fell asleep.  The customer who owned the car I crashed refuses to understand why he needed to buy a new car to replace his crashed one (our insurance wouldn't cover it).  I told him not to hate the player, but the referee whose only task is to confine the player into a rigid format of behavior and actions. That was when I knew there was a problem, and it was with the books.  I checked them for bed bugs, coffee stains, and toxic mold.  I was certain one of the books had infected me and that was why I couldn't stay awake when trying to read any of them.  Maybe I had picked up an ancient book of curses that was lumped in with the business textbooks.  While the information I have gleaned from them does resemble ancient incantations, I can't find any evidence of residual magical powers or binding spells.  My only logical recourse was to research this malady using the most trusted medical authority available.

The Internet is a wonderful resource for diagnosing medical conditions.  After exhaustive research and browsing Craigslist for stuff, I discovered that I suffer from BT Narcolepsy.  This was at once a great relief, and a great fear. What if it was incurable and degenerative?  What if insurance wouldn't cover it?  What if it was contagious?

First I had to determine what it was. It turns out it is Business Textbook induced Narcolepsy.  The situation started to become clear with this mystery solved. What's strange is that I've been making "business" decisions that impacted the lives of my staff for years, but the BT Narcolepsy has prevented me from understanding my rationale and methodology, and whether or not I'm doing it wrong.  To some extent, I must be doing things right because we're still in business and accelerating despite my best efforts.

Thanks to the research I've completed, I have also found a possible cure for BT Narcolepsy.  First, it is not contagious so people can stop running away when I approach them on the street. All it takes to cure this is the power to chuck all of your business texts into the fire pit.  The nice paper makes such a striking fire.  This takes courage, fortitude, an unwavering belief in yourself, and the capability to start a fire.  These are all qualities every successful business person must possess.  Show me a CEO without these attributes, and I'll show you a failed business.

Some of you might be thinking that I'm making this up, and that I should stay away from the Internet.  Those thoughts would only be half correct.  One need look no further than derivatives traders to find prime examples of BT narcolepsy sufferers. If they had bothered to read the section on derivatives in the textbooks, they would have known it was a fool's errand to pursue derivatives trading. They never would have embarked on that endeavor if that knowledge had been accessible.  Yet they didn't and still don't know because they always fell asleep when they approached that section.

I've taken the most logical and expedient step to solving my condition:  I chucked all my textbooks into my office's protection ring.  The only reason I haven't burned them is because someone stole my lighter from my desk. Since I can't leave my office, I couldn't look for it. 

This weekend wasn't a total loss though because I was able to design an intricate rigging system that will allow me to travel anywhere in the AcMo offices without putting my feet on the floor.  This rigging is designed to keep me just above Compensation Package's maximum strike distance so I don't have to worry about any surprise attacks.  Wait, are there any forms of rattlesnakes that can jump?  I will have to research that because it could impact my final design.  I am also happy to report that the system has an electrified canopy that powers the motors to allow me to travel the office at speeds greater than 20 MPH while keeping me protected from a surprise attack from above in case that snake managed to get into the rafters.  I should be able to find my lighter soon.

The details of the system will be explained after it has been completed and passed the required testing, but back to my condition.  I can't start the fire until I have my lighter and either see Competition Package approaching, or we have confirmation it has been captured.  

Having redundant plans in case of disaster are part of our operating procedure, so I've also found a doctor via Craigslist who claims she can cure me of my BT Narcolepsy.  I have a meeting scheduled with her later this week.  I hope this works because I need to learn what I'm doing, and I'm not sure we are zoned for indoor fires. The fire department claims we're not, but I don't trust them. They are just trying to raise money by charging exorbitant certification fees. Don't even get me started on that topic.