Mass Centralization

Mass centralization is good for people and great for vehicles.  This is not a reaction to my unexpected role of being a prisoner in my own office.  I have been developing plans to maximize mass centralization in all of our test vehicles for months.  I never got around to finalizing the plans because other issues kept interfering.  Now that I've been on my desk the whole week, everything has become more clear.

I meditate instead of sleeping now because I'm afraid Compensation Package will know when I'm asleep and sneak into my office through the air ducts.  I sealed off most of them, but I can't reach one without moving my desk, or using a ladder, or possibly by standing on the filing cabinet, but all of those options require me to expose my legs to attack if Compensation Package is already in my office.

My office mass centralization project started yesterday.  Having projects helps pass the time until the Stockholm syndrome activates.  I used my chair, several hundred linked paper clips, my telephone cord, the computer, the waste basket, my belt, and shoelaces to corral all the items into the center of my office.  This centralized mass ring can serve as a fire pit if my worst fears come true.  That is my nuclear option.  For now, I've improved the handling of my office by lowering its polar moment of inertia, thus sharpening its responsiveness and improving acceleration out of corners.  This is all basic procedure for improving handling for a car, but my office is not a car.  To be honest, I'm not sure what benefit mass centralization has in an office setting.

Thanks to our rock solid intranet, I can send memos to the staff from my computer, or my phone until the battery dies.  I had the foresight to send a memo requesting a mass centralization event for all of our test vehicles and customer's cars.  The team on the shop floor is working hard to convert all of our customer's cars, and also with Fred.  We've asked him to workout a bit more because he's not quite fit enough.  I blame that on injuries he sustained when he crashed through the shop window for the third time.  He has still not learned that glass is bad.

The automobiles will be tested after the first stage mass centralization is complete.  Stage one involves removing back seats--where applicable--and placing them underneath the front seats.  We also remove the trunk, and put it into the backseat.  This shortens the length of the car, but also brings all of the mass closer to the middle of the vehicle.  We can then fine tune the vehicle's polar moment of inertia to whatever we like.  We discussed placing the engine in the cockpit as well, but there were a couple minor engineering problems with that maneuver.

The testing protocol we utilize involves sending the drivers onto the test track without any discussion regarding the changes to the vehicles.  If they make it back after their laps, we go over how the changes improved the handling vehicle.  If the driver crashes, we assume that we made a mistake with the setup and make changes while searching for another test driver we can dupe into getting into the car.

As you can probably tell, I'm still fine tuning how we can make this whole mass centralization thing work for AcMo and our lives in general.  The thought has occurred that these ramblings may have been induced by a severe and dangerous lack of sleep.  This may prove to be a bad road, but we can't be sure unless we take the trip.  At the very least, I should have some great stories to share provided I can get rid of Compensation Package and leave my office.  I know there is huge potential here to change the world if I can crack this riddle.  Everywhere I go now, I focus on centralizing mass and studying the impact of it.