SIX-Trick Pony!

Everyone is familiar with the one-trick pony, but few people have encountered the ultra rare six-trick pony. I found one this weekend, and I'd like to share that discovery.  Before anyone jumps on the comments to bring up Mr. Ed, don't bother.  He was the Milli Vanilli of the horse world.  SPOILER ALERT:  He couldn't talk.  He was adept at lip syncing, but in no way shape or form could he speak.

OK, now back to this ridiculous six-trick pony.  His name is Gallup and he can't talk either.  What makes him special is his ability to learn, and the six tricks he can perform now.  He is busy learning even more tricks because he has a desire to become the world's first ten-trick pony.  His ambition has no limits, which is what makes him perfect for AcMo employment. Gallup will work alongside Fred within our Peregrineworks division.  I see a long and fruitful collaboration developing.

Gallup was not a Peregrineworks project.  We stumbled upon him while browsing eBay for automotive parts for a customer's car, and while trying to find a cheap replacement turbo system for another customer's car.  The seller had placed the auction in the wrong section and it wasn't caught by eBay.  He was listed as a one horsepower trick tow vehicle.  There were several bids from Hollywood stunt driving companies that thought the auction was for a stunt trailer tow vehicle, but they dropped out after reading through the full auction details.  Or someone explained the situation to them.  I knew what I was bidding on when I saw the picture of Gallup.  I could tell he was special.  I didn't know how right I was until he arrived.

Once Gallup arrived at our facility, we ran him through our standard testing protocol.  We took baseline measurements of his acceleration, sustained top travel speed, peak top speed, stamina, visual acuity, hoof to eye coordination, lateral acceleration, jumping ability, and potential for human speech.  He was beyond the charts in all categories except for human speech.  Like Mr. Ed, he failed that one.  Gallup can't even lip sync. Here's a list of what Gallup can do though:

1. Walk on his hind legs when he feels like it.
2. Slice a watermelon with his hooves.
3. Tie a Windsor knot with his teeth.
4. Fly a helicopter.  OK, no he can't, but he can ride in a helicopter without having a meltdown.
5. Lead other horses to water and get them to drink.
6. Use an iPad to request more food.

He is working hard to perfect his next four tricks so that he can become the world's greatest horse.  Once we have certified Gallup's status with Guinness, we will move toward the 10 trick plateau.  We will also use that certification as the foundation for AcMo Equestrian Services.  There we will take ordinary one-trick ponies and transform them into multi-trick ponies.  We can't list a number for legal reasons because every horse is different, and few will achieve as much as Gallup is capable.  We don't want owners of one-trick ponies to think of their animals as inferior, but it might be inevitable.  We would caution those who tend to think that way that Gallup is on another level, and as such, he cannot be compared to other more mundane horses.

The Equestrian Services division's future success will be dependent on cracking Gallup's operating system to learn how he stores tricks in his memory and how he recalls them for activation.  If we solve that, we can solve anything.  I should point out that all of AcMo's testing is non-invasive, and is carried out only by written consent of the animal being tested.  Yes, Gallup can sign his name, but we don't consider that a trick.  Please don't tell PETA what we're doing because they won't understand and will just get in the way.  Thank you.