This situation has gone on for far too long. I can't keep pretending the problem doesn't exist. If I stay quiet, I'm doing a great disservice to the citizens of this wonderful state. This post will not win any new friends, but I'm here for the free stickers, not for new friends. Besides, these people are evil and must be stopped.
AcMo HQ1 is situated at the end of a residential street. When we moved into these premises, the area was zoned commercial, but one of our competitors got the zoning changed to residential to try to eliminate us. It didn't work, and we're still here! However, the parking situation has become untenable. We have underground and first level parking within the building. All of that parking had to be converted into the indoor vehicle test area when the neighbors complained about excessive noise at odd hours. The hours were by no means odd to me, but I think the neighbors are odd, so every hour would seem that way to them.
The parking garage was repurposed into an indoor track. This allows us to test vehicle dynamics in a secure and closed environment. Indoor testing also minimizes opportunities for our competitors to scope out our activities. Migrating the test facilities into the building allowed us to operate in a much more clandestine manner and got those pesky neighbors to be quiet. What it didn't do was alleviate the employee parking situation. I tend to use the helipad whether I'm in the AcMo Chopper or driving a customer's vehicle, but I'm the boss. Everyone else has to park on the streets including the customer cars. This is where the problem resides.
We have evil people who spend all day driving around in the equivalent of golf carts writing parking tickets. It is their mission to ticket anyone and everyone, regardless of the infraction, or if one even occurred! I have researched this and discovered that each employee is responsible for writing ten tickets per hour. That quota is impossible to maintain without serious creative license with the offenses being charged. We have been suffering through this situation for years. What we have to do now is wait until a customer's car has received five parking tickets, and then we play a shell game with the car to keep it from receiving a boot or towed. The five ticket rule is a result of not knowing how many tickets the customer has already accrued by the time we park the car on the street. I don't know about you, but I hate spending my Saturdays trying to file the boot off of a customer's wheel. It ruins the weekend.
So the object of my ire is the agency responsible for employing the people who write these awful tickets. I refer to them as Parking Enforcement Bastards (PEBs). The PEBs are even worse than the hall monitors that used to tattle on students in high school. From what I understand, the reward is about the same for both groups. At this point, AcMo and the PEB squad are locked into mortal combat. I see them creeping at night when there aren't any parking restrictions. They are looking for imaginary infractions to try to nail us when they think we're sleeping. They are not that bright. Besides, I stopped sleeping after the financial collapse of 2008 because I realized it wasn't right for me to sleep if my money never did.
Some of you may be thinking that this problem won't or can't effect you, but you're all dead wrong--as is usually the case when you think too much. I have that problem everyday. The PEBs are everywhere, kind of like termites. It doesn't matter if you park in your own driveway or garage, a PEB is trying to figure out a way to generate a ticket for you. Sometimes PEBs will take extreme measures and follow a person to a parking spot. I have seen them on more than one occasion accelerate the countdown timer on a parking meter in order to violate the parked vehicle. They are dishonorable, mean-spirited individuals who have no regard for the 23rd amendment that guarantees parking rights for all vehicles. Soon they will go too far and try to take our tires. When that happens there will be a war.
The question for all of you is which side of this battle will you choose? Side with the PEBs and be reviled by society at every given opportunity. If you are interested in joining the winning team, I have good news. Make sure to tell all your friends who might also be loyal to the cause. AcMo has a new product in development that will forever eliminate the source of power for the PEBs. The AcMo PEB Ticket Eraser will soon be on store shelves near you. The product is simple, yet brilliant and affordable at only $100,000 US per application. I'm not about to give up trade secrets by telling all of you how it works, so don't even ask. What I will say is that after a PEB generates a paper ticket for you, all you have to do is feed it into the patented cross-cut AcMo PEB Ticket Eraser, and the ticket will become unusable. It will be as if the ticket had never been generated. We are still working on an update to enable electronic ticket removal, but that requires a level of system hacking I am not yet comfortable performing.
Up to this point, the AcMo PEB Ticket Eraser has allowed us to prevent any customer cars from receiving more than one boot or being towed. We hope to continue our successful track record into the foreseeable future. The best part is that we don't even have to tell the customer that the car has generated thousands of dollars in parking fines while in our care. I've heard that eventually a warrant may be issued for the owner, but we have you covered there too with AcMo Paper Services division. We can retroactively change the registered owner, and even the vehicle identification if necessary. Again, we do this to make it appear as if nothing happened.
All of this is subject to change of course if I can pull off the building transfer with Omnicron Corp. I have started moving the structure from a small corner in the back because I feel that is the best way to keep this operation covert until it is completed. Plus, the concrete is very heavy, and since our wheel barrow isn't clean, I have to carry it a great distance. It is a difficult job, and I'm not strong enough to move more than one or two per day. My arms and legs tend to feel numb by Wednesday. Since Omnicron is on an adjacent street, their building is zoned commercial which will make it far more attractive if we need to sell it. The success of the building transfer mission won't impact our plans to offer the AcMo PEB Ticket Eraser at a reasonable price to every citizen who needs one, and can afford our great low price.
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