Of Bees and Men

There was a time when Snob Duben and myself could talk through any disagreements we had.  That ended after he suffered a brain injury from a paper projectile that impacted his dome which I may or may not have fired.  It occurs to me now that the injury was also around the time Snob became deranged and began believing that the 288 GTO was a better car than the F40.  A lot of pieces are coming together for me now.  There's a chance I've been looking at this all wrong.  Snob may not be in full control of his faculties.  It is better I learn this now rather than later.

Negotiations have been suspended with Snob.  He has gone too far this time. He has appropriated page 2344 from our playbook and engaged the use of a proxy to fight his battle.  This time it is a lawyer who will soon know what it means to be beaten by a Law & Order law degree holder.  This is a blow to my Omnicron Corp. take over mission, but this may present an opportunity to strengthen AcMo's reserves.

I want to caution readers who are squeamish before reading the attached threat letter.  I can only think to describe it as caustic.  Here is the attack in unedited form:

To The Cowards At AcMo-

Read the following and weep as you cower in fear, which I understand is what you do best.  My client, Snob Duben of the resurrected and improved Dubendous Momentum (DuMbo), requested that I contact you to threaten your organization.  As all parties are more than aware, relations between AcMo and DuMbo have been strained, BUT the most recent hostility resulting in Snob's threat of unleashing grievous bodily harm is the only way he knows how to operate.  

In response to AcMo’s action, my client would like to remind you and your company that he has a VERY large investment in one of the largest honey production corporations in the United States, and he has complete control over the worker bees in his expansive bee hive collection.  With this knowledge in mind, he would like you to read the following story:

http://goo.gl/2TJzn3 (This is a straight up threat right here in case you can't figure it out on your own.  Law & Order law degree?  Right.  You stand no chance against us and DuMbo.)  The bees referenced in that link were operating under the control of DuMbo.  We regret that an innocent civilian lost his life in that operation, but angry bee swarms are very difficult to control and mishaps will often occur.

Now, an intelligent individual might perceive this as a threat.  Since you lack intelligence, one of the many reasons we are at this point, and because I know what's in my client's heart, I can only say he requested a written warning of impending action be communicated.  His intentions are far too dark for me to repeat and retain my law license.

If you have any further questions regarding this matter, feel free to contact us here at the Doomass Strategic Communications Consortium (DSCC), but your best move is to run and hide until the bees are gone.

Thank you for your time (as if you had a choice),

Azweepay Doomass, MTS, CFPS, FNSS, NBCFCH, CMC, CMP, CEM, CPBE, MAAA, CRMA, Esq.

S.V.P, Concerning Menace Division

Doomass Strategic Communications Consortium (DSCC)

What would a normal business operator do in this situation?  That's irrelevant because we don't run a traditional business, and I'm not an operator.  The first thing I did was shred the letter.  I'm pretty sure that this means war.  I will postpone my takeover bid on Omnicron Corp. to focus all of our resources into smacking Snob and his DuMbo operation back into place.  I do not enjoy this type of action, but this "legal" threat has left me no choice.  One thing I did notice that was strange about the letter is that this Azweepay Doomass did not list a business address.  In order to do maximum damage, I'm going to need to discover that and the location of Snob's honeycomb hideout.

I had the research team look into Azweepay Doomass, and the results were not good--for him.  While his educational background is stellar (gold star recipient K-6), the records become spotty after that regarding university and law school, but it appears there were no more gold stars.  His life seems to have taken a dark turn moments after retaining Snob Duben's DuMbo as a client.  The information from the bar association revealed numerous censures and ethics violations hearings that were all related to DuMbo cases.  The fines levied were out of this world!  He can't be considered to be on my level in terms of legal standing and court room expertise.  I will enjoy burying him in a sea of motions to start.  That distraction will provide a window for me to teach Snob a few things about the business world.  In my younger years, I would have just painted some psycho clown masks on a few of my spiders and sent them over to Snob's offices to make webs everywhere, but I'm much smarter now and will handle the situation like a professional.  I also need to remember to add Azweepay Doomass and DSCC to my growing list of acquisition targets.

The paint shop is working on getting the psycho clown masks painted onto the spiders anyway, but I don't think we're going to need to use them.  I have a secret weapon Snob doesn't know about yet.  My time spent studying in Shaolin with the Wu-Tang Clan yielded an unexpected gift.  I have the ability to control angry bee swarms.  If Snob unleashes his bees to attack AcMo, I will be able to turn them back on their sender with extreme prejudice.  All I need is a hypnotic beat, a clever hook, and some metaphorically deep rhymes to do the job.  Once the bees find out Snob wasn't planning on paying them, they may attack him on their own.  They do not like it when you mess with their money.

OR, we can settle this like true businessmen and let our wives battle it out on television.  That would be much easier for me since I can just find a wife or two who have combat training.  I shouldn't have any trouble finding women with that particular skill set on Craigslist.  This is about to get interesting.  All of the DRAMA could have been avoided if Snob would have just admitted he doesn't have a clue and that the F40 is the best ever.  I suppose people have gone to war over less.