Sword Play

Swords probably aren’t dangerous on their own—certainly not like airbags, but the hand and the skill contained therein along with the intent of the person holding a sword can be a lethal combination.  This is a hard and painful lesson we’ve learned through the years.  Just because someone appears incompetent, they might still be capable of slicing your skin.

We understand that AcMo can’t succeed without rigorous validation testing.  When someone makes a claim that could be manipulated into a new AcMo revenue stream, we have to be sure we know what we’re doing before it starts to flow or evaporates.

I am aware that the common belief is that the pen is mightier than the sword.  No one has ever provided definitive proof.  We will use any excuse to justify additional testing, and this was no exception.  We went to the labs to get the answer.  Many entered, not as many exited.  The results from our first set of simulations were identical to our field trial conclusions.  The sword wielder destroyed the pen holder every single time.  There was a lot of blood; far more blood than the simulations represented or we were prepared to clean.

Slicing, dicing, parrying, even writing, the sword emerged victorious for each challenge.  It wasn’t a complete rout though.  The pen proved more adept at being a spitball cannon, drinking straw, emergency trach tube (that’s a draw b/c the sword was excellent at making the incision for the pen), paper document creation (blood is no longer recognized as a legal form of ink), and the ability to disappear in any drawer.  The sword can’t hide itself as effectively.

The simulations were enlightening.  We learned how to strengthen our pens so that they can be used as defensive tools against sword attacks, but so far the pens have only survived one blow.  That may be the deciding factor between fleeing to return with a legitimate weapon, or falling in the conflict while looking stupid and woefully unprepared.  Rule #1 prohibits falling, so consider looking into purchasing a 50 pack of AcMo Protection Pens™ now on sale.

Some people are stubborn and refuse to believe in the truth AcMo provides.  We have designed a product for those people.  Our extensive testing yielded a breakthrough of astounding magnitude.  As we studied our testing data, we asked ourselves a question.  Why are we doing this?  The answer was simple, if we didn’t, someone else would and then we would have lost out on another revenue stream.  Then we asked how the test results could become a profit center that we would be proud to welcome into the AcMo family.  That’s when the idea was created.  We asked, if the pen is mightier than the sword, what better thing to do than combine them to create the Swordpen®?

The simulation results were more exciting than a sale at the Dream Emporium.  The Swordpen® won every challenge we created.  There was never a moment that the pen or the sword could compete with the Swordpen®.  In fact, the only place the pen trounced the sword and Swordpen® was at airport security screening.  Lesson learned.  Some people can’t understand that a weapon is only dangerous in the wrong hands.  We have several on staff at AcMo who have certified safe hands. 

Our latest weapon tool is one of the best negotiating aids we have ever seen.  Everyone wants to be your friend and keep you happy when you stroll into a meeting holding a Swordpen®.  It is a refreshing change from the usual tense meetings we are forced to endure.  I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me sooner to take one with me for the next board meeting.

I would be remiss in my responsibility as a conscientious entrepreneur if I didn’t warn everyone to avoid the imitation product some of our competitors sell, the Pensword.  We have heard of a large amount of self-inflicted injuries caused by the design of the Pensword.  Our testing shows the Pensword is inferior in every way to the Swordpen®.  The Swordpen® will not fail, even in high-G situations.  Order now while supplies last.  We are not going to be able to manufacture another batch before the regulators ban our greatest invention.