Autopilot

A friend of a friend was fond of saying, “go big”.  We took that to heart at AcMo, which is why we fail spectacularly on occasion.  We reach for more than we can attain and sometimes we fall on our faces.  That’s also why we wear helmets most of the time.  When we invade a market sector, we aim straight for the top.  Complete domination is just a starting point for us.

AcMo has been on the wrong side of the autonomous vehicle debate for too long.  We actively subverted advances in the field of autonomous driving with almost as much fervor as we have resisted airbags.  It was fun watching the computers fail the parallel parking test when we hid RC cars under the cones and drove them around the car while it was trying to park.  Talk about invoking a kernel panic.  That car had to reboot at least eight times during the test.

I realize now that our shenanigans were misguided.  Autonomous vehicles can be our friends and they can be used in ways that can benefit us and secure our future.  People think this comes up too often, but there is no such thing as being over-prepared for the dawn of the rise of the machines.

The research department and our resident futurist are telling me that the era of autonomous driving arrived despite our best efforts to curtail its development.  Therefore, we’re going big and jumping right into this mess.  We can provide autonomous transport options to logistics companies worldwide.  We are anticipating widespread adoption of our AcMoform® line of sleep aid products, and the next obvious usage for that product is in the long haul trucking sector.

Truck drivers have strict regulations regarding the hours they are allowed to drive before taking a mandatory break.  We can eliminate the need for those restrictions since the driver will be able to achieve instant sleep whenever desired.  This is all thanks to the minds at AcMo and our firm grasp of the mechanics involved behind autonomous transport solutions.  We wouldn’t dare provide a solution to the sleep issue without also providing a method for those shipments to keep moving while the drivers dozed.

I am excited to announce that AcMo has developed a GPS based system that uses laser scanners and multiple radar based systems to read the road surface, highway signs, traffic and weather to create an accurate map of patterns, road conditions, and inept drivers.  The system is so smart that it even knows when to turn on the vehicle’s headlights, taillights, and honk the horn.  All of the data guides our algorithms to deliver a vehicle that can safely pilot itself to almost any destination.  The system can’t yet navigate streams or rivers and dirt roads are an absolute do not attempt.  Drivers who avoid those conditions during their routes will be fine.

Redundancy is a fundamental AcMo principle.  The AcMo Autonomous Transport System has four layers of backups in case of system issues.  The ultimate failsafe is a small electrical charge that wakes the driver and also shuts down all electronics in the vehicle.  The shutdown procedure can usually bring the vehicle to s a safe stop.  The ultimate failsafe is not covered by any warranty and is a one-time use contingency because the charge destroys the vehicle.

We use only the strongest ropes and cords to bind the controls and pedals to the steering wheel.  We tinker with the electronic controls in trucks fitted with by-wire systems.  All of the relevant controls are then taped to the telepresence robot we supply for the driver’s seat.  Not only does the robot come with its very own trucker hat, but it is also a close enough facsimile to a real person to fool any non-observant Highway Patrol officers and traffic cameras.  This allows some vehicles to use the HOV lanes during peak hours since there are technically three people in the car.

The real breakthrough in our amazing advances is that we’ve figured out how to rid the world of telepresence robots while also delivering all of your holiday packages on time and mostly intact.  AcMo can also offer a drone monitoring option for an extra subscription fee.  The unlimited plan provides a number of drones to follow your shipments so that you can instantly be alerted when the trucks drive off of the road and overturn.

Based on our testing numbers and beta rollout, we have improved the shipping accuracy of several of our clients.  We are so encouraged by the results that we are considering expanding into air and sea logistics.  We have also investigated utilizing military submarines as delivery vehicles.

Our dream delivery option though is the use of ballistic missiles.  Once we solve the launch issues, extreme and volatile traveling conditions, and the exploding on impact, we think we can provide a viable option for people who just have to have it seconds after clicking “Buy It Now”.  The targeting systems can pinpoint the room the recipient inhabits, but we still haven’t figured out how to avoid destroying the building, recipient, and package in the process.  That is a lot of collateral damage we need to minimize before we can make this a realistic option.  Right now we would be happy if we can get it below 82%.  AcMo pledges to get this done for holiday season 2015.  Your package delivery experience will never be the same, and the air raid sirens will mean you are about to receive something special.