Containment

Every containment system has its weaknesses.

All previous attempts to contain me have failed.  I have always done everything possible to remove any artificial constraints imposed upon me according to people involved in the matter who were not authorized to speak.  I often find that I can’t even contain my own thoughts.  That’s why AcMo created the Signal Protector.  I was told that I once slipped out of my seatbelt as a child in the back seat of a car and came close to hanging myself.  I was not attempting to hang myself, as far as I know.  I believe this was due to the negligence of my parental unit who was supposed to be responsible for me, and also because I don’t like being stuck in the back seat.

I don’t remember anything about attending pre-school, but I know I disliked being forced into school.  C. Scagnetti tells me that he recalls that a large group of us were tied together to keep us from getting lost during our outdoor excursions.  For reasons I can’t explain, he and I were stuck at the end of the rope.  He says that I would regularly escape the rope after telling him I would do just that.  I find his account difficult to believe because I had not yet learned to tie my shoes at the time.  However, there is still a chance he remembers the events correctly because I have always been adept at dismantling anything.  I doubt a knot in a rope would have proved difficult for me.

I do remember that I had a normal and healthy fear of being attacked from behind by a rampaging bear.  That fear would have been more than enough motivation for me to slip my bond so that I could protect my neck.  Since I have always employed the buddy system it was only natural to free him as well.  I’m not entirely stupid.  If that rampaging bear ever caught me I was going to need someone to sacrifice to it so I could escape.  No offense, Scagnetti!

The one thing I do remember from pre-school is the cell they used to force us to take our naps.  I didn’t like that at all.  I would slip out of mine each day after our overlords also fell asleep.  I was able to get child services involved after repeated calls persuaded them that I was serious.  The school closed soon after we matriculated.  Coincidence?  I think not.  It may have something to do with the land being sold in preparation for construction of a new subdivision, but I choose to believe that it was my tireless efforts to raise awareness of poor working conditions and untrained personnel who lacked the proper techniques to deal with irresponsible children.

At least this cage has a mat.  Ours were bare metal and the door was padlocked to ensure compliance.  I picked the lock on mine.  Those other saps had to stay locked down.

When we got older we changed our strategies a bit.  We had developed an elaborate method to slip past our parental guardians on evenings we were supposed to be on lockdown.  This worked best at C. Scagnetti’s house because we could roll his father’s car downhill in silence to a safe distance before starting it.  The only problem was that the car talked.  We always worried that it was going to divulge our secrets, but it stayed silent on our clandestine excursions.  It dutifully and incessantly repeated a reminder that a door was ajar even when both doors were sealed, but it never once betrayed our unauthorized usage.  The odometer was a different story.  That rat squealed on us every time.

I thought that I had outgrown my intense dislike of containment , but it evolved into something subtler.  I have learned that I am fine with it as long as I am asleep.  That served me well during my formative years when I was stuck in a cubicle.  The beauty of a cubicle is that you can turn it so that a building’s wall serves as the cubicle’s fourth wall.  Once you’ve added a roof to your foundation, you have your own private domain.  I found those modifications made it possible to sleep through the day without interruption.  That was the first time I realized the power of cubicles.

I suppose my penchant for exceeding track limits is an offshoot of refusing to do what I’m told.  I decide where the car should be, not the track.  Now that I have brought these thoughts into my consciousness, I can work on modifying my behavior to extract maximum performance.  The first thing I am going to do is teach the track and the laws of physics that I’m the boss.  I have some ideas on office renovations that will enhance my power nap effectiveness as well.  There is a lot of work to do and I don’t have a lot of time between power naps to complete it.