Flying Car Explained!

I believe I can fly!  This is not the actual flight car.

There is nothing worse than being stuck in traffic on a regular basis.  A rail gun or a flying car could solve most traffic problems with ease.  Flying cars still remain a tantalizing dream just beyond our grasp for unknown reasons (it’s a conspiracy orchestrated by aircraft manufacturers and the FAA).  I thought we had reached a milestone at the beginning of this year with the flying BMW M4.  I dared to believe we were closer than ever to a new mode of transportation.  I got burned again.

The quintessential family of the future, the Jetsons, earned the jealousy of generations of consumers who wanted what they had.  The thought of a flying car cripples our belief structure, and it makes us question why space travel is considered more important.  We want to fly in our cars without being forced to leave Earth’s orbit.  Why is that so difficult?  It’s not like we’re asking for laser beams for headlights or something.

Our investigative team was able to track down the driver of the first flying BMW M4 caught on video through extensive detective work.  The team consists of some of the best and most inquisitive minds on the planet, so the fact they found the driver is not a surprise.  The driver has provided a statement regarding the circumstances surrounding his initial unplanned test flight.  It appears AcMo is not going to be able to sign him to our flight squadron at this time.  AcMo representatives will continue to work toward signing him in the near future.

Some of you may notice that this story broke 10 days ago.  I want to pre-empt any questions regarding why I am presenting old news so late.  This is entirely the fault of the research department!  It is because my own people are actively working against me in an effort to make me look foolish and unprofessional.  I will not let them succeed, and I will be targeting this researcher at the next AcMo Paintball Invitational.  AcMo’s primary researcher found the story the day it was published, but chose to delay notifying me until today.  This was quite a surprise. 

The driver’s statement can be found by clicking through to this article on Jalopnik:  How Not to Explain Why You Crashed Your Car...

I have condensed the response into a more skim-friendly length because I know most of my “readers” don’t really enjoy reading.

Hey guys,

It was my car that was involved and a mistake was made…

…As the car started to correct it became apparent that there was no way out except over the curb which is where I put on the brakes and tried to straightline the curb as much as possible to avoid hitting the curb at an angle which would cause a lot of damage and potentiality flip/roll the car…

I've driven many high hp rwd cars including vipers, porsches, corvettes, and formula cars and I've graduated from formula racing schools and have years of training in advanced car control and plenty of track time…Maybe I need a refresher since it's been awhile and I've been driving AWD Audis for the past few years…

…Anyways, I know I'll be ridiculed and called an idiot (and rightfully so)…

My expert conclusion after reading the full report is that the owner’s Audis are responsible for the M4’s attempted flight.  I think this is a two-pronged problem.  The first prong is that the BMW expressed its intense desire to rid itself of the Audi driver by trying to flee, and that the driver didn’t recognize the break-up signals because Audis are co-dependent.  BMW and Audi are fierce competitors, and it is clear to me that these warrior genes have been infused into their vehicles’ DNA.

None of this would have happened if the owner had not been lulled into a false sense of security due to the devastating grip supplied by Audi’s Quattro technology and the fact that Audis may have detachment disorder.  Audis make chumps feel invincible so they won’t want to leave them, and that doesn’t fade away when a driver moves into a less capable vehicle.  The most important lessons here are to always remember that not every car is an Audi and that power is nothing without control.  Tire temperature is important too, I guess.

People often like to say that something similar would never happen to them because they are special and/or different.  We don’t say that at AcMo even though we are both different and special.  This exact incident could happen at any time with AcMo test drivers, but the difference here—and this is significant—is that we are always trying to make our clients’ vehicles fly.  There is no better shop to send your car if you’ve always wanted to know just how far and fast it could fly.