Durable Goods

I don’t know about you, but when I was a child a toy didn’t become mine until I broke it.  I did this to every single toy I ever had.  I was not by any means discriminating since I also broke plenty of tools as well.  It was my belief that you couldn’t truly know the quality of an object until you had broken it.  Then you would know if it was junk, or if you had just ruined a well-constructed toy or tool.  Back then most of the toys and tools were solid, but I have a special gift.  Products today are not constructed to the same high standards they were when I was a child.  I’ve managed to break certain items before even removing them from the retail packaging.

AcMo prides itself on selling unbreakable products.  We achieve this by either breaking the product before shipping it, or replacing the broken product with a new one while you aren’t looking.  Either way, the perception that we create high quality gear becomes reality when you can’t prove otherwise.

I am surprised to realize that I kept my breaking skills away from the dishes.  This may have been a self-preservation technique since it was still OK to spank a child senseless in my day.  Now it is considered abuse and is usually accompanied by harsh legal charges.  Fortunately a protective service for products doesn’t exist because I would be in serious trouble with that agency.  They would probably label AcMo public enemy #1.  We are on enough watch lists as it is now, so we don’t need to add any more scrutiny.

I have a friend who is a few years older than I am and also super smart.  She breezed through her undergrad education at Harvard back when they didn’t just let you in because you had an idea for a useless app.  Whenever she was around, my toys were safe because she knew how to fix them.  She was also the person who taught me how to tie my shoes because that was one of those lessons I had refused to learn the traditional way.  Now that I reflect on it, my motivation for breaking toys might have been a clever ploy to spend more quality time with her.  However, I don’t know if I was that cunning as a youngster.  I tried to hire her for the AcMo legal department on multiple occasions, but she is too busy doing “important” stuff like helping children.  AcMo needs help too.  Do not worry though; I will not give up on recruiting her.

Because I never outgrew my childhood talent for breaking things, it has been infused into AcMo’s operational DNA.  We are all proud to be known as the breakers of things, and can’t wait for the Internet of Things to become mainstream so we can break that too.  Whatever it is and no matter how stout it appears we can break it.  Most items just require more force.  That’s easy enough to apply with the proper motivation.  We focus most on cars because at least we can go fast in them before they break.  I had a desire to expand our business into the aviation sector, but the board vetoed that move.  Everything becomes too serious when flight is involved.  The rise in costs for both equipment and life are too high for us to handle.

There's nothing to see here.  Move along, please.

I knew my destiny the moment the crankshaft pictured above snapped during on-track high speed testing.  The good news is that even though we had a broken crank, we were able to complete the test session.  We had to do it in another client’s vehicle, but we got it done.

That tragedy made me a believer in the benefits of one piece cranks over fractured ones.  We had spent long hours debating the merits of each in the engine facility, but neither argument had convinced me.  Now I know through empirical testing that an engine will run much better when the crank is still connected at both ends.  The beauty of AcMo engineering is that the engine in that test vehicle still ran after the crank installed had snapped.  As a matter of fact, it probably ran better after the fracture.  That’s a testament to our engineering strength and technical expertise.

My future came into sharp focus in that moment and I used it to start down the path to improve my game so that I could be recognized as a professional breaker.  While I’m still not there yet, I have accrued some inspired breakages along the way.  I am particularly adept at breaking circuits.

AcMo has continued to evolve and refine our process so that we can break things with efficiency and professionalism.  The blender blow out a few weeks ago was our last big break of 2014.  So far we do not have a roadmap for 2015 breakages, but I am quite hopeful we will get some of the latest supercars on the track to see how durable they are.  If AcMo can’t break it, it’s probably made well, or we’re doing it wrong.  Either way we will faithfully report our findings so that the entire community can benefit from our hard work.

We are ready and willing to break your things for you so you don’t have to worry about injury or emotional trauma from the damage inflicted.  Platinum service tier clients will even have their vehicles returned after we have fixed them.  Everyone else gets them returned as is.  The most profitable and cost-effective—for AcMo—is the platinum service tier.  Invest in your vehicle’s future today by treating it to the best abuse money can buy.

The 2015 track season is approaching, so hurry and sign up for destructive vehicle testing before our calendar becomes booked.  We can show you the mechanical limits of your vehicle in a safe and friendly environment.