Flying Cars

"We Were Promised Flying Cars, We Got Washing Machines Instead."  That headline refers to something that may or may not have already happened during this year’s CES in Vegas.  It caught my attention, but not enough to motivate me to read the article.  I made the mistake of mentioning the headline during a lull in the proceedings of last night’s board meeting.  Our senior board member joked that the headline sounded like something AcMo would do.  I did not find her joke amusing.  We would never consider such a brazen bait and switch maneuver like that.  I started to remind her that she has failed to make her daily 10,000 step goal and that she is certain to avoid being accepted into the PSL with her abysmal numbers.  Instead I kept my mouth shut and boiled within because she dared to disrespect AcMo’s integrity.  I’m looking into getting her removed from the board.

The worst AcMo might do is over promise and under deliver a few months after the original agreed upon completion date.  We always strive to at least under promise and just deliver on time.  AcMo is on time some of the time.  Regardless, if we had promised flying cars that’s what would have been delivered.  Now I wouldn’t even supply that particular board member with a washing machine.

Speaking of washing machines, it is a little-known fact that particle colliders are just gigantic washing machines with an amplified spin cycle.  The industry doesn’t want this information to become public because it would reduce funding for future supercolliders.  That means reduced profits for the construction companies.  We went to work on calculating the forces involved to determine how we could capitalize on this knowledge.  We figured that since particles are so small anyway we might as well use a washing machine and build our own collider.  Work was entrusted to a solid associate who has expertise in building miniature particle colliders.  His progress has been even slower than Snob Duben’s, but I have complete faith in his work, unlike Snob’s.  It's hard to make a supercollider while also getting your laundry done.  We hope to be able to start smashing particles soon and to profit from the interesting test data and scientific breakthroughs that are sure to follow the moment we activate our washing collider.  We need to clean out the soapsuds first though to avoid contaminating the test data.  The speed of all AcMo development projects will ramp up once our laundry particle collider is online.

In the interim, let me circle back to the flying cars.  Just yesterday I saw a flying BMW M4.  No one thought M4s could fly; it isn’t listed in the standard or optional features.  I think this is due to liability concerns because BMW doesn’t want to be responsible when people crash-land their M4s.  There is irrefutable video proof that an M4 can soar through the air even with an unprofessional driver.  Perhaps it is even more flight capable with an unprofessional driver.

This particular car entered the taxiway and was cleared for takeoff without delay.  The traction control may have been disabled to increase the visual spectacle as it ramped up to takeoff speed.  The flight plan was abandoned when the driver became a passenger the moment the rear tires lost grip while the driver failed to react.  The car entered autonomous mode and veered left off of the taxiway because that’s what they always do in autonomous mode.  The front wheels gently rolled over a curb launching the car into the air!  The rear wheels followed the front, and for a few glorious milliseconds, the M4 was flying.  The flight ended with a hard landing when gravity gave up trying to lift such a heavy car.  The driver regained a modicum of control at that point, but had lost several hundred points of credibility for the performance.  Confusion and shame must have filled the driver’s head as the car was now facing the wrong way on the opposite side of the street.  Any landing you can drive away from with all of your wheels still attached is a good landing, but landing on the incorrect runway is terrible.  The driver slowly maneuvered the car into an adjacent parking lot and out of sight.  The fact the car still ran after its flight was a sign of a quality automobile.  I know the TSA and FAA will want to have a conversation with this driver about multiple violations.  I suppose the area’s highway patrol may want to get involved in that conversation as well.  This driver is going to be popular and in demand for the next few weeks.

The research department has commenced searching for the driver so we can acquire a new client.  I am quite certain that AcMo can get that M4 flying for far greater distances and durations with more control and better landing techniques.  It will be a fun project to develop and it will give us valuable data to assist with our terminal velocity calculations so we can make it to outer space.

This is the perfect time to expand our ride sharing service and extended limited vehicle warranty.  Both of those will be required for any drivers who wish to fly in their cars.  We do all of the work for you so that you can sit back and enjoy your flight without having to worry about coordinating repairs upon landing.

Our pilots have mastered all current forms of flying cars and are happy to train you in the art of flying your car.  Safe landings are an advanced level training course, and are of course an extra cost addition to the car flight curriculum.

Skip CES unless you want a washing machine.  AcMo is the place to get flying cars now.  Contact us because we promise to deliver a vehicle that can fly for at least five seconds or your money back minus shipping and handling costs.