The Probation Box

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The Pontiac Aztek is a variation of a rolling Medusa.  Anyone who stares into the headlights of this vehicle for more than a few seconds suffers from internal organ ejection.  This is a violent and horrible side effect from viewing one of the most disturbing automotive designs ever created.  I bet this was one of the design briefs.  The situation isn’t much better from behind the steering wheel.  This vehicle is the epitome of what happens when good people in positions of power go mad. The Aztek is a cautionary tale told to ambitious young children who dare to dream too big too fast.

We tried installing six turbos on one we found in the parking lot, but that didn’t improve the car at all.  I don’t think there are enough turbos available to fix this car’s problems.  There are some things in this world that are beyond saving.  The Aztek should be near the top of that list.

All of this vehicle’s downsides, and there are a lot more besides causing instant death, make it the perfect vehicle to serve a new purpose.  Allow me to introduce you to the new AcMo Probation Box™.  The probation box is a replacement for the ineffective and widely used penalty box.  The concept should be familiar to anyone who has been grounded for bad behavior or watches certain sports.  Looking at the data, it should be clear to anyone with the ability for independent thought that the penalty box doesn’t deter or reduce the amount of penalty infractions that occur.  It takes something more severe and blunt to change improper behavior.

I spent years perfecting and applying the penalty box at AcMo.  I had hoped to encourage more consistent and improved behavior throughout AcMo’s operations.  The realization that employee morale was being eroded by employee malfeasance was a shock to me.  I thought that most of them just enjoyed getting time outs in the penalty box two minutes at a time.  After all, it was a large box with the words “PENALTY BOX!” spray-painted on every side.  It had a plush fabric interior lined with cushions and a few pillows.  In hindsight the box was probably too comfortable.

The concept that shame from being forced to sit in a box would provide a strong impetus for model behavior from the staff was flawed.  Instead of instilling positive reinforcement, I noticed an alarming trend after the program had been running for several months.  Employees were using the penalty box for supplemental breaks over and above the union mandated hourly naps.

This level of system gaming was unacceptable because I hadn’t thought of it first.  The whole painful situation became moot when someone shipped the penalty box to the recycling plant.  I would have put the person responsible in the box for that behavior, but that was obviously impossible.  I thought about making the effort to get another shipping box, but I learn from my mistakes and don’t tend to repeat them more than five times.

Since employee conduct was still unacceptable I needed to create an AcMo level solution that would keep the troops in line.  The attitude and culture of our organization is developed from the top down and one of our board members was not doing her part to foster the level of professionalism I demanded.  This lackluster leadership was infecting our foot soldiers.

After repeated trips to the penalty box, written and verbal warnings, and anonymous reports to the local authorities of her poor behavior, I was about to give up and replace her with a cardboard cutout of Danica Patrick I had in storage (don’t ask, it’s a long story).  The only thing that stopped me was that I realized the cutout wouldn’t do anything to improve our corporate step average.  If we don’t get that number above 10,000 per employee, we are going to have problems both with the government and the inter-corporate competition selection committee.

Dire situations call for drastic measures, and nothing is worse than failing to be considered for induction to the Pro Stepping League.  I put on my AcMo Thinking Cap® and went to work.  OK, that’s not quite accurate.  I put on my cap and fell asleep because it was so comfortable.

The problem was that I needed to replace the penalty box with something more effective that would also provide a residual deterrent toward future bad behavior.  Traditional shock collars and water hose treatments were almost as ineffective as the penalty box.  It was well past time to end the shenanigans once and for all.  I had to find a nuclear option.

I knew that I was closing in on the solution when my head started tingling.  At first I thought it was because of the lye, but then I remembered that there isn’t any lye in the cap.  I recognized the symptoms of the sudden onset of a stupendous idea and I went with it.

The concept of the AcMo Probation Box™ was born!  But because we’re AcMo and all about cars, I knew what it had to be.  The rolling Medusa would provide so much shame and embarrassment that I could scare my employees into acting right.  No one would willingly be caught driving an Aztek, which just so happens to be how we acquired our shop car when it was abandoned at our facilities.  We had all been too afraid to get near it after the turbo transplant failure, so it sat under a tarp in the corner.  Now it has been cleared for driving duty and any employee who acts up is required to drive the car for the entire duration of their probation.  It is so effective that I’ve only had to invoke the punishment once since we instituted the program.  I am considering repurposing an Aztek for law enforcement duties because I think it could do a lot of good preventing crime as a police cruiser.

Contact us if you are having unsolvable employee issues.  We can loan out the AcMo Probation Box™ for a nominal fee.  This is the ultimate form of behavior modification and it is guaranteed to work.