1/2 Stepper

Despite what Big Daddy Kane said, there absolutely is ½ stepping here. In fact, that's about all we have going on at the moment.  The staff doesn’t think I’m monitoring their steps, but I’ve had wireless telemetry on all of them since the day they arrived.  NO ONE is meeting the daily step requirement except for myself.  This is disturbing and unacceptable.  The activity charts show a steep decline that corresponds with the beginning of the year.  The year over year numbers do not indicate that this is routine for the beginning of a new cycle, so something else is responsible.

This failure trend is both a hit to our morale and our reputation. The lack of full steps drags down our corporate average well below the mandated minimum. We face serious fines and penalties if we continue to remain below the threshold for 30 consecutive business days.  I long for the time when it was possible to buy stepping credits from other corporations.  If we become recognized as ½ steppers we will lose a lot of our benefits.  ½ steppers are not showered with swag and lucrative endorsement deals. You will not see a ½ stepper adorned in free Nike gear running next to the Usain Bolt in Nike's next inspirational ad, unless it is to illustrate the startling difference between a pro and ½ stepper.

Coincidence?  I think not.

Usain appeared on the AcMo radar the moment he crashed his M3.  Someone with his level of speed and crashing ability would fit in well at AcMo.  We are always looking for new test drivers because the turnover rate due to attrition is so high.  We have not yet been able to sign him to a contract, so I’ve been studying his training routine and running mechanics to try to determine his power source.  Signing him would guarantee an entry into the Pro Stepping League.  I wouldn’t even have to worry about keeping all of our ½ steppers.

I think I’ve managed to uncover the truth.  Usain’s extreme breakaway speed is powered by lightning as the photo above proves without question.  It turns out 1.21 gigawatts isn't just for time travel anymore.  We will be able to move to the next level once I figure out how to harness that power.  Field tests will commence as soon as this year’s storm season begins.  I have great expectations that this breakthrough will be amazing.

I would like to blame our recalcitrant board member for our fall from the elite levels of almost pro steppers and the morale problem in the office, but there is more to it than that.  There always is.  I discovered yesterday that some kid built a rocket powered flying pig in his barn just so he could get a bag of Doritos®.  This is troubling because the kid lacked AcMo's expertise and access to technology, but still managed to build a working flying pig in thirty seconds while we have spent years on our twin turbocharged bird project, and birds can already fly!  At least I am comforted in knowing that the pig’s rocket flight only lasted a few seconds and the rocket was destroyed upon landing.  We are building reusable systems that are far more robust because our end game is more than just a bag of chips.

Do not despair loyal reader, all is not lost yet.  I am a problem solver, and AcMo is full of problems, so I took action to put us on the right path.  I have petitioned the Professional ½ Stepper's League for an entry.  I am hopeful we can at least qualify for that while I work on motivational techniques involving lightning.  We continue our development work unabated on our bird space flight program despite the recent Doritos® setback.  Someone once told me that we all move at our own pace, so I can’t and won’t let some kid’s success with a rocket pig deter AcMo from its goals.  This just indicates we need to test even more than we already are until we have the breakthrough we’re seeking.