Audaces Fortuna Iuvat

Not yet available, but no assembly required.

Snob Duben sent a message this morning indicating that his compensation must include a new Ferrari 488 GTB or else.  I don’t respond well to threats and this request was not in our original contract; therefore I am not bound or even remotely likely to include one.  I responded with my list of requirements:  a functioning Scuderia AcMo F-ONE team, regular updates with pictures of the car construction progress, and his assurances that we will win races this season and both the driver and team championships next season.  It seems we are at an impasse since neither of us is willing to provide what the other party wants.

The season hasn’t even started yet and SAF-OT has already missed the first official test at Jerez.  There’s no guarantee the cars will be ready for the season’s first race.  I’m tired of not even receiving excuses as to why the team is missing so many deadlines.  When I get tired I get cranky.  When I get cranky, my brain goes into overdrive, and when I go into mental overdrive I am attacked by random thoughts that cause my critical systems to overheat.  I think I figured out how both of us can get exactly what we want while my brain was undergoing a forced shutdown during the cooling phase.

We're going to shimmy under that gate, limbo style.

The original plan was created when I discovered The Opportunity that Ferrari was moving to London.  I created detailed employee psychological profiles, movement patterns, size and location of all interior trees (yes, really), security protocols, lunch menus, espresso machine locations (for Scagnetti), robot placements, optimum paparazzi shooting locations (for the marketing department), and the most expedient escape routes—just in case the plan went sideways before we had taken complete control.

The plan was amazing and we were ready to implement it before additional important data arrived.  The initial report excluded relevant information about who and what was moving, so our plan to squat in what we thought was going to be an abandoned factory had to be modified because the whole operation wasn’t moving in the direction I had initially hoped.  Plans often change, so it’s best not to be married to every, or perhaps any, detail.  This wasn’t our time, but I knew it would come at some point and we had to be ready.

I have since learned that the Gestione Sportiva is moving across town.  So much of life is determined by luck and timing, and that seems to be true in this instance as well.  Scuderia AcMo, much like regular strength AcMo, is fueled by confusion.  We can use that fuel to sneak into the factory under the cover of night.  The internal logistical headaches created during the Gestione Sportiva’s move will allow us to fake our way into the factory after hours.

We already have official Scuderia Ferrari team merchandise and have been practicing our fake Italian accents for months back when the original plan was still viable.  Careful researchers will see that the above linked page contains an image that provides conclusive proof that Kimi Räikkönen is also powered by lightning just like Usain Bolt.  I will be able to further study this explosive breakthrough once we are in the system.  We had planned to use the Scuderia Ferrari team uniforms with slight modifications since they already matched our team’s composite car.  Because Snob is so far behind schedule on the construction of the cars, no one ever got around to modifying the uniforms.  That was another stroke of luck on our part.  I think we can make this work as long as we act like we belong.  No one will question us if we project confidence.

The move will provide credibility for the team’s effort, and also access to the SF15-T (that isn’t an Italian fighter jet copy of the F-15 in case you were wondering).  Once SAF-OT has secured a leftover chassis and power unit, Snob can use that to pass the crash tests.  His decision tree branches out a great deal after the crash tests have been handled.  Where we go from there is up to him.

He can choose to reconfigure the cockpit and controls to fit Johnny Jamz, or do nothing at all except make subtle key changes to the livery to incorporate familiar AcMo touches, such as our logo and a few related sponsors.  He’ll also need to remove all of the red paint because I don’t like it.  The biggest risk with doing nothing is that SAF-OT will be in trouble for the entire season if the SF15-T proves uncompetitive and unreliable.  We are still going to need to source a few drivers for this project if things don’t work out with Johnny Jamz.

It is much easier to commandeer a complete F1 vehicle rather than waiting for Snob to finish gluing together the team’s experimental chassis.  I don’t think he is enjoying that assignment very much anyway, so it will make things easier for him.  We also didn’t have a lot of prospects for a viable power unit.  Taking a whole car and manufacturing facility alleviates all of our previous supply issues.

Once we have made a new home inside the factory, it will be a simple task to bleed parts off the assembly line to build Snob’s 488 GTB in our new facilities.  We will be able to customize it using the same techniques Ferrari use to construct the F1 cars.  It will be so special that we will rename it the AcMo 488 GTO and offer a limited number for sale out of the factory’s back gate.  This is of course dependent upon Snob being able to divert enough parts off the assembly line without drawing attention to his activities.

Having our cars delivered will take just a few strategic curves in the route. 

 That’s when the robots enter the plan.  Modern automotive factories are filled with robots now.  These robots are highly specialized and competent in their respective fields.  However, the great thing about robots is that they are also highly gullible, at least until SkyNet is online.  We can use this opportunity to reprogram the robots to deliver the parts to us, or persuade them to just bring completed cars instead.  No rational person would dare question a robot or impede its path.  Even though we will have to run the robots after hours it shouldn’t be a problem.  We can supplement their power requirements with solar powered generators so the utility bills won’t suddenly escalate.  AcMo will create an official company memo to alert the staff that some robots are in need of overtime to supplement their income.  That should suffice to keep suspicion low.  Besides, it’s not like the employees even know the names of all of the robots on staff and their respective family situations.

C. Scagnetti spent some time in Italy last year doing reconnaissance for a different mission.  I’m certain we can use some big data hocus-pocus to repurpose his information to draw the conclusions we demand.  That will help us determine if this move can be completed successfully.  He also has experience using a fake Italian accent, so we’ll probably need him to help us get into the factory.

In typical AcMo fashion, I’ve thought through every possible contingency and can’t find a single flaw in this plan.  This whole plot reminds me of an unaired episode of the A-Team.  That’s why I know it will work.  Our ascent to the pinnacle of F1 will happen much faster than I anticipated thanks to a small hole in the factory wall, trusting robots, and a massive blind spot created by relocation upheaval.