Put It On Wax

Back in the old days before the Internet, we used to roll lightly seasoned beef without marinade onto a sheet of wax paper and throw it at our enemies.  That’s how we announced we had beef.  We would write cryptic messages on the wax paper like:  "We know what you did to our bicycle. Wheels don't just fall off unaided.  Stop dodging us and prepare to get ventilated."  The problem was that no one read the wax paper because the shock and awe from a beef direct hit removed the ability to read.  We didn't name names because beef to the face made it clear to whom the message was addressed.  This was only ever a problem when the target moved or our aim was marginal.  There would be some level of confusion for innocent bystanders caught in the crossfire.  We had to give up on drive-by beef throwing due to the increase in collateral damage.

It didn’t take us long to realize that we were wasting food.  Once we looked at the data we discovered that being smacked in the head by flying beef wasn't head or heart healthy, so we stopped doing that.  We experimented with tofu as a replacement for beef.  Even saying it didn’t sound right.  It didn't have the same concussive impact as beef either.  People didn't take our tofu messages with the seriousness we felt they deserved.

We had always wanted to put it our numerous beefs on wax for the world to hear and guess who the target was, but no one here knew how to press wax into records.  Learning tools such as YouTube didn't exist then, so we burned a lot of candles trying to figure out how to press records.  That mission was a complete failure.  Just as we were beginning to figure out the process, record sales declined.  Now it's no longer feasible because of streaming and the collapse of the record industry due to piracy.

We had hundreds of melted candles instead of a vinyl press.

Drastic situations call for extreme measures.  We scoured trends and fads to learn how to adapt to the current technological landscape.  AcMo has some smart people that know how to forecast the next great wave of technological fads.  I’m not even talking about the futurists because they aren’t allowed to forecast regarding anything within the next ten years.  They are focused on the next 30-50 years and beyond.  Our exhaustive research has put us in position to start a new trend.

Today when we have beef with someone we 3-D print it.  Kick starting used to be the only way to start our motorized vehicles. Today everything has a push button electric starter and the kick start has lost prominence.  Some wistful entrepreneurs brought it back and turned it into the only way to start a new company.  We've found Kickstarter to be an invaluable resource for getting suckers to come to us instead of being forced to search for them. We use our campaigns and Gofundme pages to accrue battle credits. Once we've filled our war chests, we have a beef print off to determine the winner of the battle.

Even the machines don't understand, "No mayo!". 

 OK, hold on a minute.  I like to think we have the best research team in the world.  Recent lapses have caused me to doubt my belief. It turns out that I have just discovered why our previous attempts to create beef records have failed.  Records aren't made out of wax?!!?  We have been experimenting with the wrong material!  This changes everything.

This is the tool we needed all along to truly put our beef on wax.  Unfortunately this knowledge is too late since we no longer deal with beef.  Still, knowing is half the battle, so I’m glad we covered the first 50%.  This is also late intel because vinyl was the answer.  Now we can put all of the pieces together once we find someone to have a beef against who can raise our profile in the industry and keep our name relevant in the news cycle…