Hazardous Practices

Do NOT try this at home!

Every Friday the 13th is special at AcMo.  In previous instances, we used the day to test our luck by performing the most hazardous activities we could find.  Anyone surviving was obviously lucky and would continue to have good fortune until the next test period.

It became more difficult to continue the tradition when the frequency of staff disappearances began to increase.  The official reports indicated that the disappearances were the result of freak accidents, but we're not so sure.  Because we had failed to set a baseline, we didn't have the understanding required to analyze the data to make accurate conclusions.  Their failure to return to work could have been because they were lost in an Amazonian jungle, or because they had quit and forgotten to turn in their resignation forms.  

The Probation Box has been a popular test vehicle for the staff.  I think this is because the odds are good that each run can result in complete vehicle destruction.  Each Probation Box we destroy is one less available for daily AcMo use.  The staff doesn't know that we have a warehouse stocked with replacement Probation Boxes.  We had a secret deal with Old GM to continue to produce them for AcMo custom-tailored for our unique needs.

The objective is to recreate the famous rally stages that occurred during the Group B era.  We obviously can't use the same locations, so we pick crowded city centers to reenact the competition.  Because of the Box's slow speed and low mechanical grip, spectators are in far less danger than they would have been during a Group B event. The balancing factor is that our spectators don't know they are in the middle of an active rally stage.

There are an inordinate amount of incidents that we think are caused by our drivers.  So far there haven't been any serious injuries--that's how we know we have good luck--but we have lost a few Azteks in the process.  That was another sign of our continued good luck.  I've told those guys on numerous occasions that they have to drive with the doors on, but they never listen.  Look what happens when my employees don't listen.

I am tempting fate by declaring today’s test a success before the day has concluded.  I am pre-reporting that this will be the first time in our history that we haven't lost an employee on Friday the 13th due to suspicious circumstances.  Perhaps this is the start of a trend.  We need some good vibes to offset our vehicular mishaps.

Split people are treated like second-class citizens.

I think we may try to be a bit safer and revert to special jaywalking practice instead of attempting our Group B reenactments. It is a lot cheaper to repair/replace human parts than it is to repair cars.  The fines are a lot less expensive as well.  Don't even get me started on our vehicle insurance premiums.