Teleportation

Changing the game appears to be important to a large cross section of society.  AcMo doesn’t have any interest in changing the game.  AcMo wants to change the way the game is played.  We think we have stumbled upon a technology that can do that.

A lot of time has been wasted attempting to develop a functional teleportation system.  The hope is that teleporting can ease the constant strain incurred from our frequent and required base relocations.  Any efficiency we can gain in that area will translate into additional billable hours.  Increasing AcMo’s billables translates into even more track time.

Each failed version of our teleporter has failed to answer the question of where the test items land at the end of the process.  We have been sending individual parts through the teleporter as we worked up to full torsos.  The problem was that the parts were not arriving at the designated coordinates.  We ran the equations again and again, but we…um, I’m ashamed to admit this, don’t have a clue where the parts are being sent.  It is hard to keep sacrificing our remaining stockpile of crash test dummies in the name of advancement.  However, I have noticed a reduction in the board’s dependence on them.  AcMo is going to be forced to start sending actual employees at our current burn rate.

The secret ingredient that we were missing to create functional teleportation devices was sort of hidden in Calgon™.  I knew something was up when I saw this dude with a lab coat with smart looking glasses AND a pen in his breast pocket.  That had to signify a hidden deeper intelligence.  My resolve to uncover the truth doubled when I made this connection.  The soap had to be hiding teleportation secrets.

We had been struggling with the soap’s internal components because we couldn’t find anything in its composition that might support teleportation.  Tons of soap has been boiled during our quest to discover the source of Calgon’s™ teleportation power.  We were ready to give up on the project when I discovered the missing ingredient.

All we needed to make the teleporter work after being filled with Calgon™ was the Calgon control panel!

The sales teams have been scouring the universe trying to find someone willing to sell us a few hundred of these control panels so we can finish our teleporters.  Once we have the control panels, I know we can change the banking industry forever.  Our teleporters will surely render bank vaults obsolete.  I’ve also been meaning to schedule a field trip to Fort Knox.  That can happen without any formal paperwork after AcMo Teleportation Services opens for business.

I haven’t even begun to grasp the ramifications this technology will have on our track driving.  The ability to teleport directly into any car at any time means we will no longer be required to rely on surreptitious use of client vehicles.  Maybe we can even find out where our crash test dummies’ limbs have gone after we learn how to operate the Calgon control panel.  Mondays are about to become a lot more interesting around here when we can teleport out of the local jurisdiction whenever we want.  The success of this project is contingent upon acquisition of the control panel’s operating manual because I don’t have a clue how it works.  This whole plan could derail like every train I’ve ever seen if that manual doesn’t exist.