I had never heard of a kissing ball before a friend brought one over as a gift last week. She explained that it was laced with mistletoe, but because of its unique construction, it was ten times (yes, TEN times) more powerful than traditional mistletoe. The possibilities seemed limitless in my mind. She built this wonderful kissing ball with raw materials sourced from her neighbor's trees and then used her own two hands to form the ball along with a small amount of magic. The end result was impressive. I was honored that she would present such a powerful weapon as a gift to me, especially knowing that she has two kissable daughters.
My recollection is that she said I could stand underneath the ball and wait for the kissable women to appear. She even told me the ball's power would never fluctuate or diminish as long as I kept it hydrated with sugar water. Unfortunately the ball was positioned too low for me, but she assured me that I could stand next to it and the power would still transfer. I should have realized something was wrong because she knew it was positioned too low for me, and she was the one who placed it. I can't recall her exact words right now, but I think she said, "I guarantee that the sun will rise tomorrow, and this kissing ball will work as advertised." I would have ordered several hundred at that moment, but she said she wasn't equipped to fulfill an order of that size. That was the first time she dashed my dream of front loading kissing balls everywhere I go, but not the last time she would trample my fantasy.
Her later betrayal would be even more painful. It still hurts to dwell on it now since this kissing ball ruined my holiday celebrations. I stood next to that kissing ball every evening between 18:00 & 19:00 waiting for the guaranteed swarm of kissing women she told me to expect from the day she delivered it until Christmas Eve. And every evening at 19:01, I re-entered HQ1 with a tear and a broken spirit. The human spirit can only endure so many days without kissing before it deteriorates. We are more equipped to go without food than we are to miss kisses. I've done the research.
AcMo has taught me a lot of important business lessons over the years. One of those is how to handle a warranty claim because I've had to process a few of those for irate customers. Identifying the problem and solving it is how one turns a potential lawsuit into just another disgruntled customer. I expected even better customer service from my FRIEND. I sent her a pleasant email asking for assistance because the kissing ball wasn't working, and I had developed a terrible case of flumonia as a result of standing next to it in the cold for so long. I was certain she would get me a new ball without delay. That's what friends do.
She denied the warranty claim without even performing an official review. She then had the nerve to tell me that I was to blame for the defective kissing ball because it was my responsibility to supply the women! Who has ever heard of such a thing? This was never explained to me when I took possession of the ball or while I was doing my nightly vigils. I appealed to her to channel her compassion and empathy since I was now suffering from flumonia as a direct result of her gift. My appeal was denied. A basic tenet of resolving a warranty claim is to keep escalating the issue until the most senior person handles it if all of the subordinates have denied the claim. I tried that procedure in this instance by looking for her supervisor's supervisor, but she said that was her as well. I made the appeal to her as the supervisor's supervisor, but she referred to her earlier decisions when she was also the salesperson and customer service rep.
It is almost time for New Year's Eve and I have a defective kissing ball with no fix available. Now I'm angry, and no one wants to kiss me when I'm angry. What was supposed to be the gift that keeps on giving kisses has turned into a kissing black hole. I can't even see a way out of this because everyone knows it's impossible to see in a black hole. If anyone knows of a guaranteed fix for a defective kissing ball, please message me as soon as possible. My spirit depends upon it. Thank you in advance for your understanding and assistance with this critical matter.
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