Spider Hunter

I wasn't going to pursue this because even thinking about spiders gives me nightmares and I've had too many the past month.  I couldn't bring myself to post pictures of real spiders because that causes an adverse reaction in my brain and sends me into hysteria.  This is Snob Duben's fault.  He forced me to become something I wasn't.  He put me in a position that made me choose between dying a horrible death or fighting back against the growing spider menace.  I chose to become a spider hunter so that AcMo could survive and continue to accelerate.  Now I have another purpose in life.  I erase arachnids with extreme prejudice.

Spider hunter doesn't quite get to the essence of what I do since I can't stand to be near spiders.  I prefer to let the traps do their jobs, so I come in after that to finish them and take credit for the hard part.  This is an area in which CKC excels because of his unusually large left foot which is suited for this type of wet work.  CKC may become the new team leader of the Spider Hunter division.

We've been working long hours perfecting alternative techniques in case CKC gets tired or a spider attaches itself to someone.  The most important aspect of our initiative is that we remove all spiders from any human occupied areas of HQ1.  The procedure is horrifying but effective.  We sit in a pitch black room and wait until we hear movement.  Then we shine the flashlights in the general direction of the contact. Kill anything in the room that glows.  I came across the picture below while doing research on a past project.  Some of you may remember this picture:

The mysterious electric spider gave me a new idea to perfect.  We need to test the electric shock method to see if that will work.  AcMo will require the return of our primary beta tester, and we'll also need to secure the services of a second and persuade a spider to consent to voluntary high voltage testing.  I think we can use the batteries from a Prius to test so that we can proclaim our commitment to saving the environment from spiders and greenhouse gases.  I think spiders are worse for the environment than greenhouse gases though.

A previous nightmare I had may have illuminated the path to success with this whole spider war.  In my nightmare--at least I HOPE it was a nightmare--a large black widow had taken residence next to my bed and bedside stand. I searched for someone to smash it because I didn’t want to miss or get my slipper dirty. My rationale is that if I kill it I have to clean it.  I never did remove that spider.  My failure forced me to confront the reality that eliminating spiders is scary and dangerous.  AcMo is in the fun business, so we needed a method to apply our expertise to this growing problem.  The simplest answer is to create a species of wormhole weaving spiders. They make a wormhole instead of a web and then get sucked into it. This way spiders are eliminating themselves or traveling across the galaxy to another planet where they will organize into a strike force to retake Earth--it could go either way to be honest, and without extensive testing we'll never know until it's too late.

It is imperative that we create single-use wormhole weaving spiders because we can't have them creating multiple wormholes all over the place, and we also need to prevent the spiders from learning how to control the wormholes because that would create a lot of doomsday scenarios I am not prepared to encounter.

There are a lot of potential catastrophes waiting to emerge from this plan.  An ordinary person would be deterred from proceeding, but I am not ordinary.  AcMo was built for this type of operation, and all of our recent field experience has prepared us for this mission.  I am going to appoint CKC lead operator because his clubfoot will make easy work of any rogue spiders, and then I won't have to clean the mess.

We can switch him to a new assignment as soon as we have enough wormhole weaving spiders and learn how to control them.  AcMo has made spider hunting fun again without even trying.  That's what we do.  Please DO NOT contact us if you notice a sudden influx of spiders in your home.  I'm sure it has nothing to do with our wormhole weaving spider project.