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| Does this look like a trustworthy face? |
The latest CARFAX commercials raise several serious health and safety issues. First, let me get this out of the way: I didn't realize the CAR FOX® was so big. It looks much smaller on television. Imagine how many cars get damaged when that fox falls on them. When was the last time you saw a fox--a normal fox or one that can talk and stand on its hind legs--and thought it looked trustworthy? I'm smart enough to know that unless I can channel road runner speed, I should be wary whenever I encounter a fox. I have not yet been forced to discover if I in fact do have road runner speed since I've never seen a fox.
Light skimming of my business class books I found in the dumpster behind AcMo's offices indicates that foxes are terrible business operators. They are known to jump over lazy dogs, but that couldn't even get one hired here at AcMo, and we have super low standards. We once hired a moth to do light bulb inspections. It seemed like a perfect fit at the time because we didn't have to pay much, and the moth was doing what it loved. The trial period ended early when the moth flew too close to one of the bulbs and was trapped in its gravitational field. That poor moth's shadow is forever beamed from that bulb, and serves as a sobering reminder of what can happen when you soar too close to bright lights.
One of the things I hate about having to type these blog posts at work is that my employees are always watching me. It makes it so hard to concentrate on what matters most here, which is keeping our expanding list of creditors at bay. If the employees only knew how hard I was working for them, they would stop sleeping on the job. Microsoft still hasn't figured out that I stole Bing's mojo to power our servers. "Honestly, I needed server mojo power, and they weren't using it anyway." Boy, will they be mad when they discover that's the reason their search engine sucks.
Where was I? Right, the CAR FOX® CARFAX is only a little bigger than AcMo, so I don't see how an operation of that size can convince a fox to buy into their corporate culture. We tried to put two cats to work here as vehicle inspectors, but we only ended up with more cats and none of them were earners. They did scratch a lot of cars. Thankfully, we didn't own any of them. The CAR FOX® employs moles on the inspection team. That screams, "bad idea!" to me. Moles have terrible eyesight, and do not have proper lighting capabilities to do underbody vehicle checks even if they could see. I've never found a business case study in which a combination of foxes and moles didn't end in a trail of tears for both the business and the moles. I suspect the fox is being sly while planning an insurrection at CARFAX, and is also working to lull the moles into a false sense of security so they can be eaten for dessert.
One of the things I hate about having to type these blog posts at work is that my employees are always watching me. It makes it so hard to concentrate on what matters most here, which is keeping our expanding list of creditors at bay. If the employees only knew how hard I was working for them, they would stop sleeping on the job. Microsoft still hasn't figured out that I stole Bing's mojo to power our servers. "Honestly, I needed server mojo power, and they weren't using it anyway." Boy, will they be mad when they discover that's the reason their search engine sucks.
Where was I? Right, the CAR FOX® CARFAX is only a little bigger than AcMo, so I don't see how an operation of that size can convince a fox to buy into their corporate culture. We tried to put two cats to work here as vehicle inspectors, but we only ended up with more cats and none of them were earners. They did scratch a lot of cars. Thankfully, we didn't own any of them. The CAR FOX® employs moles on the inspection team. That screams, "bad idea!" to me. Moles have terrible eyesight, and do not have proper lighting capabilities to do underbody vehicle checks even if they could see. I've never found a business case study in which a combination of foxes and moles didn't end in a trail of tears for both the business and the moles. I suspect the fox is being sly while planning an insurrection at CARFAX, and is also working to lull the moles into a false sense of security so they can be eaten for dessert.
What recourse does a consumer have when the inevitable hidden issues arise? Good luck taking the fox to court, or even negotiating an amicable resolution that doesn't involve teeth locked onto your arms or legs. Foxes can react with extreme violence when backed into corners. In fact, I would bet it is almost impossible to even get a fox to sit down for a meeting. The lack of opposable thumbs, and the presumed inability to speak hinder usage of electronic devices. I'm not sure how CARFAX was able to find a talking fox that knows automobiles. What were the odds on that? Not to mention, it will be impossible to determine which mole was responsible for the missed items on the report. The CAR FOX® is the latest evidence that strong relationships are more important than skills and experience because no sane person would hire a CAR FOX® to be in charge of vehicle inspections. The CAR FOX® must be close friends with several CARFAX board members, or have something incriminating on them.
When you encounter an AcMo approved vehicle, you will know it was destroyed by real humans doing real bad driving. There won't be any hidden surprises when you want to purchase because most of the body panels will be missing. We are honest and open with our disclosures, and we're smart enough to no longer hire wild animals to fill executive positions. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twenty times, shame on you. We learned our lesson with that last mongoose. He was quite angry all of the time, and he didn't like to be approached about anything. That last time we had to tell him the report wouldn't be done by close of business on a Friday was the moment we knew we had made a grave mistake in hiring him. The office never looked the same after that. We had to move out the next day and we couldn't get our security deposit returned. I hear that office is still vacant--except for that angry mongoose. He refuses to let it go.
If you're in the market for the best beater vehicles money can buy, send your ultra high luxury and/or exotic vehicle to us, and we'll sell it back to you in perfect beater condition. That's our sales guarantee. The AcMo vehicle procurement, destruction, and redistribution division knows how to buy, sell, and destroy cars. Can CARFAX compete with any of our skills? No. Go with the best and choose AcMo today. Hurry before some agency shuts us down.
When you encounter an AcMo approved vehicle, you will know it was destroyed by real humans doing real bad driving. There won't be any hidden surprises when you want to purchase because most of the body panels will be missing. We are honest and open with our disclosures, and we're smart enough to no longer hire wild animals to fill executive positions. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twenty times, shame on you. We learned our lesson with that last mongoose. He was quite angry all of the time, and he didn't like to be approached about anything. That last time we had to tell him the report wouldn't be done by close of business on a Friday was the moment we knew we had made a grave mistake in hiring him. The office never looked the same after that. We had to move out the next day and we couldn't get our security deposit returned. I hear that office is still vacant--except for that angry mongoose. He refuses to let it go.
If you're in the market for the best beater vehicles money can buy, send your ultra high luxury and/or exotic vehicle to us, and we'll sell it back to you in perfect beater condition. That's our sales guarantee. The AcMo vehicle procurement, destruction, and redistribution division knows how to buy, sell, and destroy cars. Can CARFAX compete with any of our skills? No. Go with the best and choose AcMo today. Hurry before some agency shuts us down.
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