Board Meeting

I hate board meetings.  I don't know anyone who enjoys them. Meetings are tedious and nothing good ever comes from having them.  I knew I was in trouble this morning when I got shampoo in my eye.  It still stings.  I was nervous about this meeting and it impacted my concentration when I needed it most.  I pay close attention to signs like that, so I knew what to do when it happened.

Finding a garter snake these days is difficult.  All of our urban development has driven them from their natural habitat.  I needed to have one for the meeting.  This special meeting was scheduled by the board member who is afraid of snakes.  He insisted that his entourage also be present.  He is upset about the Bio-D Water Moccasins and his compensation package.

There are many ways to tell someone something is never going to happen, but I have not found the correct one for this situation.  I explained to all of the board members that the compensation packages were in the complaint department when it closed, and they can't be retrieved now.  This was in the contracts, I stated this in emails and in person to each board member.  Everyone on the legal team assured me that I had provided sufficient notice to the members when they agreed to join AcMo.

Despite all of that, this particular board member started demanding his compensation even before his first day.  I don't understand it.  I've tried so hard to be reasonable.  My patience has been exhausted, which is why I'm going on the offensive.  I plan to hide a snake (if I can find one!) in the briefcase that I will tell him contains his compensation package.  If that doesn't send the message, nothing will.

Heart attacks are no joke.  I didn't think a person could be scared to death by a non-poisonous snake hopping out of a briefcase.  The good news is that we concluded the board meeting early, and we managed to revive the board member thanks to the CPR classes we took as part of our emergency response training.  The bad news is that there is a chance I didn't catch a garter snake, but some form of rattlesnake instead.  I had no idea how dangerous those things can be.  People assume when you have a good news/bad news situation that it is always a one to one ratio.  Not true.  This is a two piece good news and multi-piece bad news scenario.

The snake managed to get away during the commotion and is now loose somewhere in the AcMo offices.  Based on the cause of its escape, I am now naming it Compensation Package.  I would warn the staff, but I don't want to cause a panic.  I also don't want to open myself up to litigation if Compensation Package attacks one of my employees.  They thought the bus incident constituted a hostile work environment, but Compensation Package could take it to a new level.  Even in failure, AcMo overachieves.

I think letting Compensation Package run loose in the workplace is a serious OSHA violation.  I am going to try to draw up some paperwork to indicate Compensation Package is on staff as senior officer of rodent control, but I'm nervous that a paper trail will incriminate me if something goes wrong.  I'm not sure what to do.  I never saw a scenario like this mentioned in any of my business class textbooks I skimmed.  Whatever decision I make is going to happen from the safety of my office.  Snakes aren't good at climbing stairs and there is no way that Compensation Package will be able to figure out how to open my office door.  At least I hope not because I'm not leaving the top of my desk until I have confirmation that Compensation Package has been subdued.

For now, the board member is resting comfortably at the hospital.  I know he is not happy with Compensation Package, but I think he got the message.  I doubt he will ever mention it again.  If he does, I know what to do.  Rattlesnake venom will sting a whole lot more than shampoo.  

That reminds me that I need to draft a memo warning the employees that Compensation Package may try to hide in the bathrooms.  Except I can't leave a paper trail or acknowledge this ever happened.  I know, I'll send a company-wide snapchat of Compensation Package.