I am so sick of hearing that. Every single time I trek into the Lower Basement Cubicle area, the data gremlins are always saying that. I don't speak in riddles like they all do, so I can't tell if they are just obsessed with Snoop Dogg, or if there's some form of Thunderdome going on down there. The Femtomarketing department, formerly the marketing department, is situated right next to their cubicles. The gremlins and the marketers are always at odds even though they need each other to thrive. Marketing is nothing without data, and data is, well, just data without analysis. See? Marketing and data are conjoined twins.
It is so dark in the lower basement that I don't know how anyone gets any work accomplished. To be honest, basements scare me, and lower basements even more, so I don't spend a lot of time down there. I forgot both departments were even down there until I had occasion to check on our servers before I remembered that we don't have servers any longer.
The server room is in the lower basement, adjacent to the cubicles. We needed a constant temperature and humidity level, and the lower basement was closest to our target. The addition of a world-class commercial HVAC unit and humidity controllers keeps us within our target range. We spent untold millions (I fainted after the first five million disappeared) perfecting our server farm. We did all of this because the nice salesperson assured us these servers were the gateway to a Tony Stark inspired Jarvis system. The cloud computing storm erupted the day after our servers went online and turned our servers into paperweights with lights. I wish the gremlins had foretold of this event with their data feeds.
The server room is in the lower basement, adjacent to the cubicles. We needed a constant temperature and humidity level, and the lower basement was closest to our target. The addition of a world-class commercial HVAC unit and humidity controllers keeps us within our target range. We spent untold millions (I fainted after the first five million disappeared) perfecting our server farm. We did all of this because the nice salesperson assured us these servers were the gateway to a Tony Stark inspired Jarvis system. The cloud computing storm erupted the day after our servers went online and turned our servers into paperweights with lights. I wish the gremlins had foretold of this event with their data feeds.
Since adversity and failure are common at AcMo, we pivoted our way out of trouble like we always do. We sold the servers for a loss, and then we went all-in on this cloud computing nonsense. The data gremlins didn't even notice since they still received all of their precious data feeds. The gremlins are in charge of highlighting new market opportunities and maximizing our current operations for efficiency and profitability. I don't think they are doing what they say they are doing, but since I can't understand any of their terminology, I have no idea what's real.
The gremlins approved of our shift to femtomarketing, so we went all-in on that. I transferred the entire traditional marketing department into the new Femtomarketing department, and they were none too pleased by this. I didn't even want to hire them in the first place though, so I didn't care! I wasn't pleased I had to see them every couple weeks when they would tell me our marketing efforts were failing because we didn't have any. The way I looked at it, marketing is marketing. I should have looked at it with my eyes open. This next part will not be a surprise to anyone who has been playing along on their mobile device or tablet: Femtomarketing almost ruined us.
It proved not to be the savior I had hoped. It proved to not even be real. We were duped by some guy who sounds like Jeremy Sisto. Damn him! I'm not going to delete my previous post extolling the virtues of femtomarketing though. Failure in anything is a teachable moment. My life up to this point has been an overflowing fountain of teachable moments, so why should this be any different?
We are sunk on the marketing front. I cannot get a foothold with this marketing thing, it *has* to be some form of witchcraft. That is the only reasonable explanation. Even AcMo's new marketing department, formerly the Femtomarketing department, and formerly the marketing department, has declared defeat. We are going to be forced into making money the old fashioned way: late night infomercials and stealing it from those who won't notice it is missing. Or we'll entice customers to give us money as "investments". We are about to start a Porsche 918 Spyder fund. This is a limited fund and spots are filling, so my professional recommendation is that you get involved before the opportunity disappears forever.
The backup plan is not for the faint of heart, but we are setting up a feasibility study to determine the risk/reward of hijacking cash from cartels. The data gremlins are 98% certain it will have an impact on our bottom line. They just won't tell me if that will be a negative or positive one. We have the technology, and it isn't currently being used for anything productive. Playing Minecraft at work is not being productive, I don't care what you say. I can't believe anyone thinks they can get away with that here. It has become quite clear that AcMo is in need of a new head of HR. That's another tale full of woe and tears if ever there was one. It makes me emotional just thinking about it. I can't begin to go to that dark space now. I'm starting to tear up again.
The argument has been made that AcMo should subcontract the work that is not part of our core operations. I fear a subcontractor won't be as dedicated to promoting our brand, and also won't take the blame when there is a problem. I have been looking into creating some form of scorched earth marketing program that just blasts AcMo's message everywhere all of the time.
No comments:
Post a Comment