AcMo OPR

It's another day, and that means a new problem at AcMo.  But first, I need to address some comments I received after yesterday's post.  I assure everyone that I was not trying to assassinate Snob Duben with a newspaper bullet.  The only reason I even mentioned the event was because I was certain the statute of limitations had expired.  Also, I did highlight the fact that the targeting system was untested and therefore unreliable.  Third, I left out critical details of the story due to time and space constraints--more on that later.  When I called Snob into the room, he was carrying what I thought at the time was a machete.  I told him that I feared for my life.  I demanded he not take another step toward me or else I would be forced to act.  In the heat of the moment, I thought he grunted at me before charging, but I later discovered he had asked, "What, this?" while pointing to his baguette that looked exactly like a machete from thirty paces.  So I hope this clears up any confusion.  People please stop asking me how I sleep at night after trying to kill a man.  I did no such thing, and I sleep like an owl:  always alert for predator and prey.

Clearing the air has done me a great deal of good.  I feel lighter on my feet, and more prepared to tackle today's agenda.  Due to an unfortunate, but important circumstance, I must announce that AcMo has re-appointed C. Scagnetti to the board of directors.  His role will be reduced though because he is also taking on another non-paying position.  He will be the new interim director of AcMo OPR because I thought I had just made up that office five minutes before I offered it to him. It turns out OPR already existed, and now I've learned that I'm being investigated for improper fiduciary conduct and other unspecified violations of AcMo's Terms of Service! This situation is baffling because I wrote AcMo's ToS, and I assure you, I haven't violated any part of it. You'll just have to take my word for it because our ToS is confidential, and anyone who reads it must take a blood oath.

The problem with the Office of Professional Responsibility is that it lacks restrictions.  My phone records, web history, purchases, travel logs, and my collection of selfies are all available to OPR after the NSA scrubbers have looked through it and redacted any sensitive data.  If I can persuade Scagnetti that Compensation Package is not dangerous, and that I wasn't trying to send him to the hospital, I may be able to count on him to protect my interests during the investigation.

I agreed to bring C. Scagnetti back into the AcMo team because I'm certain he took our remote control when he went to the hospital. He was the last person to have it, and I can't function without my remote control. It took me weeks to program all of those macros. Right now it can open the blinds, power on my workstation, turn on the television (news, of course), compile my to-do list, and send directions to my car's nav device all by pressing two buttons.  I can't live without all of that automation in my life.

I need to play this smooth.  I have to wait until he is comfortable at OPR before I accuse him of stealing my remote.  It would be best if I could catch him with it, and then I could fire him for cause, and shut down the investigation without raising additional issues or red flags.  For the time being, he is a trusted and valued member of the AcMo team.  Maybe I could send him into Omnicron on an undercover mission.  That might be a brilliant idea.