Sometimes the action slows to a normal pace at AcMo, and that is when I get bored. When I'm bored, my mind wanders. When my mind wanders, the sky gets wet, double rainbows form, and unicorns are spotted frolicking in the park. We can't have untamed unicorns wandering through our parks, so I keep tight control over my wandering. Sometimes I catch an idea that makes my brain accelerate. That is the process that precedes a random request for TPS reports. When I am feeling extra mischievous, I request reports for companies we don't own or even compete with in the market. Everyone scrambles to put together convincing reports. I don't even know what a TPS report is, so I'm always entertained by the diverse results my employees produce.
I also don't know how to play poker, but I've been told my poker face is amazing. Or was that sarcasm? Hmm...it's tough to say so long after the exchange. When I bluff in front of the mirror, I'm always convinced, so it must be legit. It is easy to fake vague and non-committal responses to keep the employees confused regarding my satisfaction level with the TPS reports. I've been doing this for the last five years. It is fun.
We employ educated bluffing for more serious matters as well. All of our financial guidance is generated in this manner. This is information we share with market movers and potential private investors. Our numbers never match the reality of our business, but that never matters because we always generate a profit. On paper, anyway. AcMo Paper and self-arranging typeface so the papers never read the same way twice. Remember the steps to success: obfuscate, deny, deny, deny, protect your IP, profit!
Our predictive analysis software was built on top of a random number generator base to differentiate our projections from other major players. We then divide the results by 7 and add 34 to yield a 28% accuracy rating. Hey, that batting average would be considered stellar in Major League Baseball. This is why we're able to close deals other companies won't even attempt.
I also don't know how to play poker, but I've been told my poker face is amazing. Or was that sarcasm? Hmm...it's tough to say so long after the exchange. When I bluff in front of the mirror, I'm always convinced, so it must be legit. It is easy to fake vague and non-committal responses to keep the employees confused regarding my satisfaction level with the TPS reports. I've been doing this for the last five years. It is fun.
We employ educated bluffing for more serious matters as well. All of our financial guidance is generated in this manner. This is information we share with market movers and potential private investors. Our numbers never match the reality of our business, but that never matters because we always generate a profit. On paper, anyway. AcMo Paper and self-arranging typeface so the papers never read the same way twice. Remember the steps to success: obfuscate, deny, deny, deny, protect your IP, profit!
Our predictive analysis software was built on top of a random number generator base to differentiate our projections from other major players. We then divide the results by 7 and add 34 to yield a 28% accuracy rating. Hey, that batting average would be considered stellar in Major League Baseball. This is why we're able to close deals other companies won't even attempt.
I'm not just in business, I'm in the conglomerate building business. That takes 84% of my time while fostering organic growth in all of our subsidiaries takes 56%. As you can see, that is just a tad over 100% of my time. This is why I added four hours to each day so I could get everything done. I'm able to spend every third weekend out of the country running from Interpol agents as a result of my fabricated efficiency levels.
No comments:
Post a Comment