Empty Space

I decided to dedicate my day to emptying my brain.  It was a wasted effort.  I have been filling up my storage space with useless trivia and it is time for a lot of it to go.  We are going to schedule an AcMo pop-up sale so anyone who would like to know information such as the maximum ramp angle a Porsche Carrera GT can handle without scraping, send in your bids now.  The minimum air speed at altitude with ¾ fuel in a Gulfstream G650 is also available.  Have you ever wondered how long it takes to fold a Subaru WRX STI’s body panels into a giant Origami Pterodactyl?  Wonder no more.  I have that knowledge.  All of the information is being sold at a premium, so please don’t waste your time or mine trying to haggle.  Haggling causes the sale price of an item to increase 67% of the time.  So, on second thought feel free to haggle.  I would like that.

I have dedicated years to perfecting the technique.  I can’t remember how many years because some memories are always lost during the process.  It is impossible to retain every fragment.  I unpacked everything I had inside.  Life milestones, my first steps, the combination to all of my school lockers and the locker numbers, the number of steps from my bed to the ice cream truck, and more.  

Moments from my entire life have been removed through AcMo’s proprietary procedure.  It is fast and safe.  This is the third time I’ve done the procedure this week.  Don’t be alarmed.  My brain absorbs facts so fast that it fills up within hours of a purge.  I’ve tried multiple times to create a switch that turns off my data collection, but I have never come close to getting it done.

The technicians have developed a new product that helps with memory removal, but we are having some minor problems during validation testing.  We anticipate solving those soon and releasing the product to the unsuspecting public.  We always make digital backups during the process just in case a memory needs to be recovered.  We have not yet had to employ one of the backups.  We’re not even certain if the brain is compatible with USB 2.0.  None of the experts we’ve queried—people who should know such things—have been able to give us a satisfactory answer.  Perhaps medical school isn’t as good as everyone thinks.

The most difficult part is figuring out what needs to be returned to my head and what is safe to sell.  My internal storage is hard to manage.  Of course no one should be surprised that I’ve discovered a hidden revenue stream in memory sales.  Flash memory is no longer the only option.  Someone else’s memory and experiences can be a lucrative shortcut to your goals.

In fact, the first item up for sale may be my surgical robotics training.  I am still debating with my board about the option to enter the organ harvesting business with my new talents.  There are a lot of opportunities for me to utilize my surgical skills.  A lot of people need organs, and there are a lot of people who aren’t using their own, so the market appears to be accelerating, which is what we like to see.

That decision will require considerable additional debate, so I think I’ll hold onto that memory for now.  I will have the full item list and starting bids listed soon on AcMo’s eBay page.  Please do not ask questions about the items unless you are a serious buyer.  We encounter too many time wasters when we try to sell our customer’s vehicles.  We do not need more.  Thank you for your understanding.  We are always interested in serving as a broker in the sale of your unwanted memories.  We charge an industry standard 33% for our services, and we need video consent since your memory can’t be verified or considered reliable after the procedure.

Some of the painful memories have to be returned too because they help prevent me from making the same repeated mistakes.  It only took three attempts before I realized metal objects should not be shoved into electrical outlets.  Once the lesson and the molten metal stuck, I never forgot it.

I need to finish clearing my brain.  I feel as if I have a big weekend coming up, but I’m not sure why.  Already my head has started filling with new, useless facts.  I don’t think I can empty faster than it fills.  I think this is going to take a new approach.