Pro Stepper

I’ve always dreamt of becoming a professional something.  I toiled in the paper clip throwing minor leagues for years, but I had to give up that dream when it was clear I was a danger to others and myself when the paper clips started flying.  It has taken years of searching, but I think I found a worthwhile goal that may be achievable.  I received confirmation that the goal exists last night.  I can’t wait for the day I can add “Pro” to my long list of self-proclaimed titles, and prove all of the naysayers wrong.

The confirmation I had been seeking arrived via an author, Malcolm G., who was on Bloomberg the other day.  The segment was on again today and will be on again tomorrow because that network works hard to recoup their investment by rerunning shows as often as possible.  That works out well for me because I can focus on other tasks while watching and still glean relevant information by watching the same segment 7 or 8 times.  I learned that Mr. G. has written a lot of books.

I tasked the research department to investigate further.  They determined that one of his books focused on the process that all professional steppers have followed to become pros.  He makes the claim in his book that one can’t go pro until after taking 10,000 dedicated steps.  The G must stand for "Genius" since he was able to get a full book's worth of material out of that underground topic.

This is something I had been working toward before I knew it existed.  I instituted a new office policy designed to get me to where I need to be when I need to be there.  It is so much better to have defined objectives each day.  When I finish pushing paper around my desk, I pace the office floor mimicking the outline of all of my favorite racetracks.  I always get hung up on the Nurburgring Nordschleife’s Karussell because it is so hard to simulate the proper bank angle.  Besides wearing out the linoleum, I’m building toward my ultimate goal of turning pro.

Pro Stepping doesn't enjoy the popularity of curling or shuffleboard, but for the cognoscenti, there is no more elite sport.  I can always identify a pro when I see the PSL logo on the bottom of shoes.  A pro’s shoes have a unique wear pattern that distinguishes them from recreational or lackadaisical walkers.  Beware of the half steppers they are the worst.  They are usually the ones who stop and start with no warning and cause you to run into them often.

I decided that I shouldn’t be on this journey alone, so the AcMo staff is being trained to become pro steppers also.  A recalcitrant board member who keeps using the multiple broken toes excuse has been failing to meet the daily 10,000 dedicated steps goal and as a result, has not been able to turn pro.

I first tried to motivate our workforce by using treadmill desks.  I thought people would be more productive with higher endorphin levels that would translate into more profitable revenue streams for AcMo.  The idea was genius, as are most of my ideas, but the execution was not.  Worker’s Comp claims are a real pain.  They rank close to hostile work environment lawsuits, of which I am all too familiar.  Their saving element is that only the worst Worker’s Comp claims result in having to attend court.  Ugh, I’m so sick of being in courtrooms because of employee misunderstandings.

The focus required to walk on a treadmill and work was more than I had anticipated.  Multiple employees fell off the treadmills resulting in some horrible looking leg injuries.  The injuries were also quite painful if the eyewitness reports are credible.  We all know how reliable eyewitness testimony is though.  I’m so glad we kept our medical team because I don’t know how else those legs would have been bandaged.

The treadmills were going to be replaced by stationary bicycles until someone pointed out that bicycling—even the stationary type—doesn’t count as stepping.  There is even an official league rule forbidding bicycling being used as a credit toward professional stepping certification.

We needed a way to force employees to walk toward the goal of 10,000 dedicated steps without interfering with their abilities to make AcMo money.  The prototype thinking cap, AcMo Rage Cap®, and AcMo Ultimate Signal Protector® all had to be worn simultaneously in order for me to harness my maximum brainstorming power to find a solution to this most perplexing problem.

The prototype we built is quite simple, but effective, I think.  The generator is attached to a gearbox that is operated by 10,000 dedicated steps.  There won’t be any power without that.  Each day a different employee is supposed to be in charge of operating the machine.  Failure results in being eaten by the machine, which I feel is adequate incentive to get the job done.  We haven’t been able to get the system on-line because no one will volunteer for validation testing.

My own efforts to reach the goal have been unsuccessful as well.  I reach my 10,000 mostly dedicated steps goal every day.  I started attempting it years before I had even heard about the book and the theory, but after all of that effort, I’m still only level 1.  I don’t understand why I haven’t been able to elevate my status at least to level 2 by now.  I don’t feel like I’ll ever become a pro stepper at this rate.

The Pro Stepping League (PSL) is better than other professional leagues and it is sort of like Fight Club.  Everyone in the league wants to be there and no one can luck into it.  People don’t talk about it, but you can always identify a pro when you encounter one even if you can’t see the logo on their shoes.  I’m always on notice for pro steppers so I can learn from them.  I look a lot when I’m walking at the mall.  There’s just something extra in each movement of a pro stepper.  There’s a purpose in each step that goes beyond the surface of just moving oneself from one location to another.  There’s a countenance that hides a quiet undertone of inside knowledge that others don’t possess along with a spring in each step that is just that bit more energetic than normal.

One day soon I hope to be able to add pro stepper to my growing list of illustrious self-proclaimed achievements.  In the meantime, I have to keep stepping and keep my employees stepping if we’re ever going to get the power turned back on here.