Testing Lab

We were involved in failure mode testing before it was a popular and accepted form of product development.  Back then we considered it breaking stuff ahead of schedule.  That skill evolved over the years into failure mode testing.  Failure mode testing now has an unwelcome monopoly on my time.  I am good at it and it is a point of pride at AcMo, but we spend too much time doing it.  I doubt any other solvent organization can boast as many broken items as we can.

AcMo was created to solve a simple problem.  Solving that one problem created millions of other ones.  I was tired of breaking my own mechanical stuff and not getting paid for it.  That's frustrating when you break your own stuff for free.  It is exhilarating when you break other people’s stuff and then they pay you to “repair” it.  That only gave us more time to break more stuff.  The catalyst for our paradigm shift was the demise of our ultrasonic cleaner.  It might have been modified but not in any way that was obvious to the outside observer.  It appeared to hum along at a reasonable pace, but inside it was working four times harder to clean better and faster than ever.  I was able to run more items through the wash cycle per day and it made cleaning grime off of engine shrapnel more enjoyable, until it didn’t.

Everything must come to an end and so too was the case with our beloved ultrasonic cleaner.  It imploded in spectacular fashion, taking two pistons down with it in a small but controlled ball of flame.  The obvious explanation was that the crew used improper chemicals to produce the cleaning solution.  The kind of chemicals I’m talking about don’t play well with each other and reacted with a sudden and violent outburst of inextinguishable flames.  Their agitated state from the vibrations only made matters worse.

The shop smelled like a failed engine for weeks after that.  I don’t think the actual destroyed engine in the corner was much of an air freshener either, but the fumes from the cleaner fire were out of control.  We walked away from that facility when we realized the fumes kept knocking us unconscious.  Once you become dependent on something as important as an ultrasonic cleaner, it is hard to live without it.  I had an epiphany and knew what I needed to do.  I had to find a way to get someone else to pay me to continue my important research into the failure modes of every product I owned.

A few short days after my epiphany, AcMo was born and we started billing clients to cover our self-induced equipment failures.  This was a perfect model for the shop and kept us stocked with new products with warranties.  Having shiny tools made the crew smile.  Knowing what to do with all of the tools was another problem, but that one was too difficult to overcome with a direct attack.

The security of having client’s bills available for bailouts was great.  It lulled me into a complacent state.  It is never advisable to become complacent because the moment you do, disaster strikes.  I have a routine each morning that helps me build energy to start accelerating toward full operating speed by mid-day.  The routine involves consuming a proprietary blend of ingredients that are tailored to provide the essential nutrients required to allow me to conquer the day, or at least be able to pretend I’m conquering something.

Our Cyclone blender is integral to the creation of the AcMo Breakfast Smoothie.  Once it became a staff member, we looked into every possible modification avenue.  The blender was fast and loud, but we thought it could be even faster with better acceleration.  After a lot of trial and error, we were finally able to adapt a four speed automatic transmission we had in the shop to make the blender a serious tool, even when used in reverse.  One hand must always hold the cap while the other is near the power cord in case the blender escapes its bonds and goes for redline in fourth.  The modifications took without rejection.  The blender served us well for at least two months.  It was a faithful worker, always delivering the goods when asked without complaints until last night.  Overtime is a complicated topic, especially so when it is a no pay situation.  The impromptu preparation of my breakfast meal that works in combination with the smoothie was a voluntary overtime mission for the blender.  I thought it consented, but things got real when I added brown sugar to the breakfast batter.

The blades began to slow in protest, and the machine’s core temperature began to rise toward unacceptable levels.  I shrugged it off because the transmission had encountered far worse when it was in the owner’s car last week.  First, the mix must maintain itself within a stable temperature range or breakfast will be ruined.  No one is happy when breakfast is ruined, so I make sure to pay careful attention to all core temperature readings and adjust the blender according to the mixture’s vicinity to the thresholds.  I guess I was distracted last night because the first real hint of trouble occurred when a puff of smoke emerged from the top of the blender in an area that is devoid of vent holes.

I thought I shut the blender down manually, but in hindsight, it may have just been the blender shutting itself down at the same time I pressed the button.  I thought I caught it in time because there weren’t any additional puffs of death smoke from it.  I was incorrect.

AcMo is sad to report that we have lost another employee due to gross negligence on the part of the original product manufacturer.  Nowhere in the manual does it state that the Cyclone blender is allergic to brown sugar, and that it can’t survive a prolonged encounter with it.  The blender elected to fry itself rather than continue as a valued AcMo employee.  Sugar really does kill.

Now I have to ration my Breakfast drink and accompanying meal because we’re down a good blender.  The absolute gut-wrenching aspect of this whole ordeal is that I can’t charge this to a client because it was our personal blender.  Even a worker’s comp claim is out of the question because someone never filed the paperwork to get the blender registered as an AcMo employee.  It was working off the books.

Once again the hard lesson only needed to be learned twice before it was absorbed.  AcMo needs a bigger, stronger, faster, and louder blender.