FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: FRED: The Franchise

Fred thinks he's the boss and is always trying to tell us what to do.

Fred Pretending he's Batman.

This is the last thing Compensation Package saw before its lights went out.

The cuffs are stabilizers for the external wastegates (not attached in pic).

This is the epitome of a legitimate the sky is falling moment.  Fred's equipment, technical drawings, flight manuals, logbook, and spare flight suit have been stolen!  I've gone through the shop footage multiple times and I'm sure I saw space administration logos on the intruders’ sweaters and baseball caps.  I would guess the crew had military training because of their formation and precision movements.  They obscured their faces from every camera but made a point of keeping their logos visible.  Why would they do that?  I didn’t know the space administration had soldiers.  None of them even glanced at any of our other top-secret projects while they were infiltrating AcMo HQ1.  Their sole focus was on Fred’s locker and storage area.  This level of corporate espionage is unacceptable.  This is what AcMo does to competitors.  Competitors don’t steal from AcMo.

I don't think it is a coincidence that we mentioned the possibility of sending an RFI for assistance on one of our top-secret projects and then Fred’s stuff disappears.  We stopped hazing after the shower incident, so I know this isn’t an elaborate prank by AcMo staff.  I would bowl with their heads if that turned out to be the situation.

We're out there somewhere...

This brazen theft occurred while I was with the field engineers on the runway monitoring Fred’s test program.  Everyone I speak with envisions super models and bottle service when I tell them we’ve been testing.  I would like to know more about this bizarre vision.  Our sessions are hectic and stressful.  It is hard to stand around with my hands in my pockets while watching everyone else work.  Standing around isn’t so hard, but not being able to do anything other than stare at the monitors and pretend I’m deep in thought is.  I still can’t make sense of the telemetry.  I would have a much different view of testing if there was some place to relax and get a power nap.  It’s the same at the track as well.  There’s too much noise and activity to secure a high-level power nap.

Fred had started out the morning kind of slow only hitting 200 mph (that’s slow for him) even after the rousing pep talk he received.  Perhaps the cold dense air or the fact that we woke him before sunrise had something to do with his performance.  I think he’s afraid of the boost but he would never admit that.  The boost hit is pretty violent and it does take a while to acclimate to it.

The test sessions start early because runway 24 becomes active for the day around 08:00.  AcMo has been unable to receive flight clearance so we just run most of our tests before the airport opens.  The arrangement has worked great up to this point since we haven’t been asked to face charges and haven’t been spotted by airport security to the best of our knowledge.  The situation becomes a bit more complex after the morning rush because there are few places to hide and still view the test area.  AcMo technicians have developed a stopgap while work continues on our invisibility cloaks.  We have runway ghillie suits for all of our test equipment and personnel.  We will be perfect once we figure out how to keep the equipment from being run over by the planes.

The mandated lunch break came early because Fred just wasn’t bringing it.  I hoped some Gatorade and a couple rodents would charge Fred so he could at least hit 350 mph.  The first pass after lunch was at medium speed so we could confirm telemetry readings and perform a visual flight check.  Mission control gave Fred the all clear to turn up the boost so he could go ballistic right after he almost buzzed the intake of a 787’s engine.  I think the close call made him nervous, but he knew the risks of operating above an active runway.  This was the moment we had been building toward since Fred crashed through the shop window.  All of the hours we billed to clients while we were working on our internal projects were about to pay for themselves.  In an instant everything changed.  We lost radar contact the moment before he was about to exceed our expectations and go supersonic.

I should have connected the theft of Fred's gear with his disappearance.  This was a coordinated effort perpetrated by a motivated and proficient team.  I waited to release this information because public knowledge that our franchise player was stolen could cripple AcMo.  I had hoped that this was a misunderstanding and that Fred would return without additional effort on our part.

That hasn’t happened yet, and we are not waiting around for ransom demands.  We want our bird and his stuff back!  What those fools who took him don't know is that we have trackers on Fred and all of the gear, and I've also trained a homing pigeon to follow Fred wherever he goes at a discreet distance.  This isn't difficult because the pigeon is so much slower than Fred that the only way it can follow is at a distance.  We've outfitted the pigeon with the latest in avian electronic tracking systems, so you can think of it like a miniature avian AWACS.  Fred will be returned and we will have our glory.  No one will stop us from achieving our dreams!

Map proficiency is a critical skillset for any competent homing pigeon.    

Core strength and battle technique are important in case Fred notices he's being followed.    

The search and rescue squad mobilized the moment after we lost radar and communications contact with Fred.  I anticipate his safe return soon after the pigeon calls us with Fred’s location.  I would let the pigeon handle the rescue but Fred really doesn’t get along with it.