Futurist

The future is always waiting at the next exit.

The future seems so far off but that is a mirage that tricks the foolish into believing there’s hope.  The future was now but it’s already gone.  Most people are unable to recognize that.  I have an obligation to correct the situation before it becomes unmanageable.  It only makes sense to use my forecasting talents to generate a new revenue stream via consulting work for clients.  The title of this blog was a clear sign from the beginning.  I was destined to become an oracle of the future.

Careful study of the parameters of a futurist has revealed some surprising insights.  Because no one can see into the future, I can make wild unsubstantiated claims.  AcMo can profit from them as long as I make these claims in a credible and quasi-rational manner.  This provides the luxury of being less accurate than a stock analyst or a professional baseball player while still being able to keep my self-proclaimed title.  It will be harder to maintain my position after I create the international futurist’s council.  That will have a minimum set of standards and practices that I may not be able to meet.  I will be able to maintain my seat on the council in perpetuity due to the legacy clause.

The research department was kind enough to find a few examples of possible future innovations that I can use to illustrate my inherent ability.  They would have supplied more, but since this is not billable work, I requested they return to their assigned—and billable—tasks.

The sun laughed when this city was completed.

I have it on good authority that the sun will continue to shine for at least the next few years.  What is less certain is whether or not humans will evolve to a point that our eyes become redundant and therefore unused.  A chrome city that reflects sunlight in every possible direction would create a catastrophic mass societal blinding if it is erected before we abandon our eyes.  Air travel to and around this future city would be impossible and ants could not thrive in a city that was trying to fry them during the day.  The loss of ants would create a destabilization of our ecosystem that would cause world structure collapse and sugar prices to rise.

I have not even begun to consider the heating and cooling ramifications of a chrome city.  The daily activity schedule would skew toward darkness only activities, which might give rise to an influx of vampires.  I cannot determine any benefits to building a chrome city.  Not even the bling set would want to live there for more than a week.

I guarantee Bernard's blood pressure isn't good.

I don’t know what this is supposed to be, but I do recognize a car dashboard when I see one.  I’ve impacted enough of them with my head to know the not so soft leather embrace.  There is no way having Bernard’s medical information displayed on the dashboard will happen.  First, a display of that nature would require focusing at least one eye on the dash, which would mean that no eyes are focused on the road and the vehicle’s direction of travel.  Unless a medical emergency was occurring at that exact moment, there is no need to know body temperature or pulse oxygen levels while driving.  Even then, Bernard isn’t going to be able to do much if the dashboard indicates a medical emergency.  I hope Bernard abandons this foolish pursuit before he is involved in a motor vehicle accident.  I don’t know Bernard or have anything against him, but I am certain I do not need a real-time update of his medical status in my car.

Battery technology will have to take a giant leap forward before a car can sustain power to biometric sensors; all of the essential in-car entertainment, plus the upcoming thrust vectored ramjet engines, without causing the lights to dim.  This is not only not an option in the near-term, it can only become viable when self-driving cars are operational and have been proven not to always attempt to use the pit maneuver on passing vehicles.

All of this omits the fact that black dashboards tend to get hot in sunlight, and that heat can burn a fingertip that is held on the display for an extended period.  I don’t see an option there for measuring burn degree, but Bernard will surely want that if he insists on driving with his finger on the dash.  This is concept does not have a place in the automobile in the future.

Above all else, do NOT cross that line under any circumstances!

The near future won’t be seeing cars with rear facing frickin’ laser beams as long as I’m allowed to vote on the matter.  An $11 laser could help prevent car accidents.

This laser could be a solution to increase the visibility of a car in fog so that it might reduce rear end accidents.  The problem is that the laser in the picture is set to stun, but look what it has done to the innocent pavement.  This laser will no longer be a driving aid when an individual rotates it so that it is aimed at the level of a following driver’s eyes.  Now the accident-reducing laser has been turned into an accident generating and vision-removing weapon.  The DOT would never allow that to happen unless there are copious amounts of money being funneled into their coffers pending approval of the device.  I know my laser—not set on stun—will be mounted on the front of the car to take out drivers who block me on the track.

The most important future breakthrough will render all of the above moot.  Time travel will transform the role of a traditional futurist.  Those who are capable of adapting to multiple timelines, erased history, and backdating of technological breakthroughs will still find their services in high demand.  Of course AcMo is your go to shop for all your future needs.  We actually already know what you want and have it waiting for pickup.

The world will rejoice when the Swiss Miss returns to bring us all hot chocolate.  That is a free one for all of you who doubt my forecasting skill.  All of my predictions as a recently self-proclaimed futurist will stand the test of time.  Any that don’t will be edited to reflect the current future if it diverges from the future I predicted.  I doubt that will ever happen though.  The signs are pretty clear where everything is headed.  Rocket powered go karts with wings are in the near term future production plan.  They’re going to be called AcMo RocKarts© and they will be hard to handle.