Narrative Massage

This is the safest way to stay off the guardrails.

A deep tissue massage can only do so much to relieve daily stressors.  Part of AcMo’s routine corporate schedule includes optional deep tissue massages to keep the staff working as close to maximum efficiency as possible.  The problem is that deep tissue work doesn’t reach actual brain tissue without invasive surgery and possible harmful side effects.  There are times when it is necessary to change the narrative.  Narrative massage has a positive effect on brain areas most related to rational thinking and subtraction.  Positive public perception keeps AcMo on top in the fight against slow drivers and bad products.  AcMo has developed a sophisticated machine that is capable of massaging any narrative to bolster our efforts.

The machine learning skills programmed into the device keep it ahead of the competition when it comes to making up plausible explanations capable of nuancing information to create new, interesting, and unexpected narratives.  It is important to always write down any information received from the machine so that the stories remain consistent and credible when shared.  That little tidbit has tripped up experienced fabricators since the beginning of the spoken word.

Each machine is shipped with several default messages for common occurrences that might require an alternative explanation.  The baseline messages have been created based on our extensive experience with getting involved in uncomfortable situations.  Our expertise can work for you when you need it most.

An impact with a guardrail or several can be transformed into a benign occurrence.  Once the details have been fed into our machine, the story emerges as an episode of increased friction during the drive.  While the scuffs won’t buff out without new bodywork, this sounds normal since friction is a part of life.

Bonus points for the rail slide to perfectly balanced stop.

Some leaves impeded my path at the same time a pedal malfunction occurred sounds so much better than, “I hit the same tree again”.

An unexpected thermal event temporarily slowed forward progress.  Once the engine has cooled and rested, we should be good to go.  The mechanics will be rebuilding during the cooling period of course.  Since the duration wasn’t specified, that leaves an open-ended period for repairs.  This explanation works better than saying, “I pinned the throttle for longer than I should have and the connecting rod resigned with immediate effect.  The car will be operational again as soon as a new engine is installed.”

Snap goes the rod.

A persistent and unfixable timer malfunction or fluctuations in the space-time continuum due to extreme gravitational forces have eliminated the ability to register a representative lap.  The car will be on the pace once the solar flares have subsided.  This works so well that we have used it before, during, and after every single track event we have ever attended.  No one can argue with the space-time continuum.

The techniques AcMo employs to stay ahead of the narrative have been refined for centuries by politicians.  AcMo has once again taken an old concept and modified it for better performance and utility for modern times.  The next time you find yourself in a tough situation, call AcMo for a narrative massage to ease your pain.