NAH Tech

This one is for all of the haters who say, “nah, that won’t work.  You can’t do that.”  What they really mean is, “I can’t do that, so there’s no way you can.”  Those dissenting voices often prove the catalyst to innovation and extraordinary achievements.  Unfortunately, some advances never travel beyond the idea phase because the naysayers have stopped the dream by planting that seed of doubt which grows into a tree in the minds of those who allow it.  A naysayer should never be given the power to control someone else’s dream.  If you can imagine it, it can be done.

I approached the board and far outside tangentially affiliated consultant, Snob Duben, for permission to activate a new technology division for AcMo.  My dream was to create a semi-independent R&D lab to accelerate the creation of our most daring ideas.  The board and Snob Duben vetoed funding on the grounds that it was a waste of time and too far removed from AcMo’s core business.  That vote was several months ago, but the dream would not disappear, so I did what I always do:  ignored the board and spun up the new division.

It took a while to figure out I didn't actually need the board's permission.  I discovered that the bylaws didn't give the board authority to control AcMo.  I discovered this when I read the bylaws for the first time.  The board's real purpose is to provide contrasting viewpoints to help me confirm that my plans are correct.  I've found that doing the opposite of the board's recommendation has been a winning formula.  In fact, they are only a board in name and nothing else.

NAH Tech is AcMo’s newest subsidiary dedicated to deploying innovative technology in novel applications. Everyone always wants to know how AcMo comes up with so many cool names.  We have an in-house cool name generator for internal use.  It is a product that would be profitable on the open market, but then we would no longer have an advantage when it comes to creating cool names.  Our marketplace advantage must be maintained at all costs.

There are a lot of exciting ways NAH Tech will start to change the way humans interact with the world.  We will be able to change the universe, if our black hole generator proves successful.  When was the last time any product could provide a guarantee like that?  Maybe the discovery of fire, or the invention of the first wheel, but those inventions pale in comparison to NAH Tech’s ambitions.

Our first commercially viable product will probably be vehicle mounted rail and laser gun attachments.  These weapons tools are designed to vaporize slow moving vehicles to forever eliminate traffic jams.  The data shows that there are just too many cars on the road, and manufacturers keep adding more daily.  This solves the over supply problem as well.  Lab testing has yielded positive data regarding eliminating vehicles, but we’re having a real tough time with the vehicle occupants.  This is the only stumbling block preventing us from releasing the trafficide traffic jam eliminator to market.  We are eagerly anticipating the proliferation of autonomous vehicles because that will begin to solve our occupant problems.

A suitable test route has been established in the Washington, D.C. area, and we already have a driver eager and willing to deploy the weapon tools during his daily commute.  The weapons tools vaporize vehicles, so there aren’t any environmental concerns, and there isn’t any evidence left behind for the police to utilize to build a case.  The only obvious signs of modification are the gigantic power sources required for both devices, and the devices themselves.  The weapons traffic jam eliminators would be inconspicuous if we could shape the test car like an F-22, but an F-22 shaped car that can’t fly would draw too much attention to itself on the roads.

All of the computer modeling indicates that we have a blockbuster product and a genuine solution to traffic jams that does not require a complete remodeling of current road infrastructure.  NAH Tech is confident we can solve all of the issues and have our product on highways near you long before flying cars are available.  Once flying cars become a reality, our F-22 shaped car won’t seem out of place at all.

UPDATE:  Our beta tester contacted us last night demanding the prototype for immediate testing.  The NAH Tech engineers and legal department reminded me that we can't progress to beta tests yet because of a small problem.  The test vehicles we've mounted our new weapons platform onto have all melted after firing more than two successive bursts.  This minor problem has resulted in the loss of numerous test vehicles and drivers, so we must solve it before we can start official beta tests.  Thank you for your understanding.