World's Finest

Still seeking the world's finest graphic artist!

I came across a rather curious Subaru ad in spring 2015.  You're just hearing about this now because I just returned from a trip back there to pick up something I lost the other day.  Unfortunately, I didn't take any notes, and I can't remember which boring model Subaru was hyping.  Relax, I love to hug trees as much as the next person, but I'm not a huge fan of Subarus.  That's why we refuse to work on them at AcMo.  We probably should though because replacement engine costs are trivial compared to the hardware we've been detonating.  AcMo has access to a suitable donor car as well.  The owner wouldn't even notice we had modified his car until it was too late.  The project could start with a larger turbo and new engine management software.  We can add new injectors, exhaust, exhaust manifold, high performance blinker fluid, and stage 8 weight reduction, which is the removal of all body panels.  Those panels are in great shape, so we should be able to sell them for a profit without much effort.  Proceeds from that unauthorized sale will be used to fund projects we enjoy.  This may turn out to be a profitable detour.  I think the development team has a new project!  The target vehicle was slated to acquire our first non-melting trafficide weapons system anyway, so this all makes sense.  The owner will be so excited by the new trafficide system that he probably won't even notice we stripped the car body.

Anyway, back to the ad.  Subaru claimed one of their models was the longest lasting 2015 in its class. At the time, it was at most Q2 2015, so how could Subaru have already determined that model's endurance, and that it was in any way better than its competitors?  Did the model receive an award for surviving the weeks leading up to and beyond April Fool's Day?  Or perhaps this is a participation award in which every car that rolls off the factory floor without losing a wheel gets a ribbon?

I couldn't be bothered in 2015, or my recent trip back, to commit that ad to memory. That means I can't provide AcMo's usual clear, concise (no typos), and reasoned argument detailing exactly how and why that Subaru marketing effort was a ridiculous failure. My note taking game just improved, so this will never happen again.  I'm going to have to let Subaru marketing go until they do it again.  However, that experience did remind me of something else that is a bit more relevant to AcMo's continued success.

C. Scagnetti once told me that the only thing preventing me from being the world's finest CEO was the press release indicating that status.  He said that once it had been established in print that it couldn’t be retracted.  He stressed the importance of using indelible ink with every release.  I didn't realize it at the time, but he had provided AcMo the blueprint for total world domination.  He was busy creating the world’s finest non-food food truck at the time, so he was unable to share the finer points of press release mastery with me. I think a VC firm trying to corner the market on a hot new trend purchased his venture.  I'm beginning to believe that the Subaru marketing team may have attended the same Scagnetti on Scagnetti seminar I did.

Today is the day that all of my effort starts accelerating toward more than a pat on the back and another failed project.  No, today I am on the cusp of executive greatness.  I am about to take my rightful place on the list of the world's greatest CEOs.  And to think I could have done this years ago if I had just listened instead of pretended to listen while nodding my head to the beat.

AcMo has stashed a team of captive, trained, motivated, and somewhat nourished writers in a secret facility to create the world’s greatest press release that will cement my status in the business hall of fame and propel AcMo into new markets.  My hope is that the writers will complete their assignment before the end of the week because that is when their oxygen supply will be depleted.  I am excited to read what they create.  It will, no doubt, be the finest press release the world has ever seen.