AcMo Business/Life Insurance Matrix

The pieces keep falling into place.  I can't tell whether it is good fortune or destiny, but I like the results regardless.  I would have created our trafficide weapons system sooner if I had known that it was going to have such a powerfully positive impact on AcMo's operations.  It seems counterintuitive that removing cars from existence would in any way benefit our core business, but that's exactly what it has done.  Every data point we collect has aligned to illuminate potential trafficide victims, so our automotive casualty arm pre-insures those victims to facilitate collecting premiums before they are vaporized by our beta tester. The burn is so complete that any paperwork identifying AcMo as the insurer of record is disintegrated in the molten lumps of former cars.  The success of our proprietary driver certification program has created another unforeseen opportunity.  Those pre-targeted individuals and any business owners who are operating failing businesses (a lot of them) are perfect candidates for AcMo’s newest product line:  business/life insurance.

One of the greatest human powers is the ability to say, "No" right after agreeing to something.  Animals can't do it.  Not even sharks can say no.  Those two letters in that combination are the most significant letter combination ever created.  NO empowers the speaker and doesn't leave room for misinterpretation or confusion.  There isn't any part of NO anyone can't understand.  It is a universal constant like gravity or rum running.  Hey, hold up a second.  You guessed it...new business idea germinating!  AcMo is considering getting into the lucrative business of rum running.  How hard can it be?  We have fast cars with lots of storage space.  In this specific instance, "Fast" is an ambiguous term that is not tied to a duration of time.  I have not made a legally binding claim that AcMo's vehicles are fast for any specified period of time.  It is imperative that you understand that on advice from my legal counsel.

We use the same model as the automotive insurance side and all other “reputable” insurance companies.  We generously and graciously accept incoming funds from premiums and account services, but we DO NOT ALLOW outgoing money of any amount.  That is how the power of NO works.  Casinos wish they could legally stack the odds this high against their marks.  The wonderful part about the model for our newest venture is that it is already industry standard, but AcMo has decided to take it to the next level. We will help business owners implode their own businesses just as they have done throughout time, except there won’t be any fraud charges for collecting on self-inflicted damages because we've eliminated the ability to collect.

The creators of capitalism were not smart. They created a flawed model that has somehow persisted for too long.  True capitalism should have been a one-sided construct that only benefited the winning party--that being the party with all of the money.  It's really hard to throw a good party without any funds.  AcMo pledges to simultaneously fix capitalism and the insurance industry.  It's the least we can do.  And we promise that our parties will be good.

Not covered.

Buildings sometimes fall for no identifiable reason.  When suspicious circumstances start collecting around one incident, it is usually the signature of an attempted fraudulent insurance claim.  As I stated earlier, AcMo has a brilliant plan to eliminate insurance fraud forever by denying all payouts.  The building demolition pictured above would not be covered under any of AcMo's policies.  What's worse is that the demolition company didn't properly set the charges so the building wasn't falling the way it should have.  This was probably a deliberate attempt by the demolition company to collect on their business insurance while helping the building's owners collect on their policies as well.  We're a lot smarter than that at AcMo and we have so much experience with fake claims that we can always spot them.

Not covered.

Playing with fire is never a good idea.  I have been told that my entire life, but it wasn't until I saw the building pictured above that I realized how real that danger was.  Burning Batman's logo into the side of a building is almost always the result of a non-professional fire starter trying to get creative with matches and other incendiary devices.  The good news is that the fire was not catastrophic and no one died as a result.  The bad news is that AcMo Insurance won't cover any of the damages.  That is how we maintain our 100% profit margin, which is the best in the world, by the way.  We don't even care if Batman himself comes after us for the payout, we won't budge.  We are unbreakable.

Covered!

It turns out being unbreakable has a defined limit, and we found ours.  It is good to know your limits.  I worked with the actuarial staff for a long time on this particular policy.  There were a number of factors involved in our difficult decision to cover this building collapse.  I had to make a decision, and in my mind, it was more important to keep this kid who can hold a building steady with his bare hands happy for as long as possible than it was to adhere to our zero payout policy.  I am afraid he could wreak havoc on our operations if he ever lost his temper.  Until we can find a way to neutralize his absurd strength, we will continue to cover his policies.  THIS IS THE ONLY EXCEPTION!  Unless you can demonstrate bare hand bone crushing strength, we will not ever cover your losses.  This needs to be demonstrated by carrying a car to our headquarters, or pushing over a competitor's building, not by crushing any of our staff's bones.  Thank you.

We hope you enjoy being present for AcMo's complete renovation of the insurance industry.  We promise it will be exciting.