The Trafficide Highway

The hard way usually appears to be the most obvious until continuous refinement erodes the difficulty to reveal an easier path.  AcMo has dedicated thousands of hours to perfecting our road vehicle based trafficide weapons system. The routine and constant obstacles have made it clear that we have been forging the hard path. We know our goal is within reach, but a less complicated path has presented itself because of an unforeseen human obstacle.

AcMo's beta tester balked when he learned that the trafficide weapons system would add more than 42,000 pounds to his vehicle.  I understand his hesitance because I'm almost positive the simulations were correct and the real-life car would fold during the first test shot.  I don't think I need to explain what that kind of mass would do to a person in the middle of it when it folded.  Yeah, he might be a little crazy to beta test for us, but he isn't that crazy.

The great thing about our last living beta tester is that he is easy to reassure.  Once he found out about our flight capable AcMo Man project based on McLaren Applied Technologies' Project Invincible and that British dude's jet pack, he started to become interested again.  The deciding factor was AcMo's announcement of a portable railgun option for the AcMo Man suit (some assembly required, ammo sold separately).  What I didn't disclose to the beta tester is that he would still have to drive his car, but now he would do it in the comfort of his own personal AcMo Man suit with optional railgun (some assembly required, ammo sold separately).  There are a number of benefits to this approach.  He can eject himself through the sunroof if he gets bored and continue his commute in the air raining shells from above.  I am confident that the engineers will have figured out how to get his car to come to a safe stop after he's ejected by the time the flight suit (some assembly required, ammo sold separately--I can't stress this enough) becomes a viable option.  Even if the engineers don't succeed, we'll tell him they did because I know the thrusters will melt his interior the first time he ejects anyway.

The real solution came to me in a dream two nights ago.  I was traveling on a stretch of unrestricted highway at a high rate of speed because that is the only way to travel in an AcMo car.  The location seemed familiar, but I don't want to divulge that information in case this wasn't a dream and I was sleep driving again.  I had two passengers in the car with me, but I couldn't see their faces.  We were in a hurry to get somewhere when a car in front of us slowed for no reason.  The traffic conditions in the middle and left lane (THAT'S THE PASSING LANE, PEOPLE!) prevented us from making a clean pass, so I had to slow the vehicle.  Seconds later the car in front of us transformed into a lump of molten metal.  That's when I noticed the multiple railgun embankments in the median and sides of the highway.  It only takes a few correctly placed railgun to cover hundreds of miles of highway.

I awoke as I was crashing into the lump of metal that used to be a car in front of me.  I grabbed my journal to record as many details as possible so I could start creating the plan.  I had finally found the answer! The hardship involved in shrinking a rail gun to fit in a car and then maintaining that car’s drivability has been humbling. Using full scale railgun was the easiest possible action. All we need to do is plant full size railgun on every major highway system in the US.  The DOT contract for these installations will produce a wonderful revenue stream for AcMo.  Once the reload time improves, we would be able to hit multiple targets from several miles away without having to worry about melting our customer’s car.

Traffic Enforcement just got real.

The highway gauntlet only rewards those with the speed to survive.  We plan to lobby the DOT to install trafficide enabled lanes to make our efforts legal nationwide.  AcMo will be a sponsor for the clean-a-highway program in these sections.  That gives our field engineers the opportunity to see the railguns in action and to collect the lumps of molten metal left behind after a successful impact.  I believe we will be able to repurpose the remains for use in our AcMo Man project (some assembly required, ammo sold separately).  We will need to secure land rights to place our railgun, but that won't be a problem when an AcMo Man shows up to negotiate prices while brandishing the optional personal portable railgun.

Drones and satellite surveillance will provide a clear picture of real-time traffic and will allow us to always keep the path clear for our beta tester.  There will be a controlled delay to keep him a safe distance from targets to avoid any loose shrapnel, fires, or crashes similar to what happened to me in my dream.  It won’t take long for people to realize that the left lane will not provide safety from vaporization if obstructing traffic.  We hope to be able to add a Waze layer showing both railgun positions and vaporized vehicle locations.  It is a public service thing.  I thought our beta tester would enjoy having a HUD to help with preliminary target acquisition and gun telemetry, so we borrowed one from a video game.  It should work.

Fortunately, everything we need to move the railguns into position already exists.  A trailer similar to the one pictured below will make the job so much easier than dragging them World's Strongest Man style, which is what we were going to do because we're that strong.

Picture a bunch of these staring you down on your daily commute, but in a nice shade of red.

A new revenue stream has presented itself because of this wonderful project.  AcMo Highway Repair will come online along with the trafficide program to fix the damage caused by the melting cars and supersonic shells.  We will have a perpetual self-generating profit center since we'll be the ones causing the damage.

There is also a synergy with WAcMo's Invisible body project.  Invisible bodies and unbreakable ones especially will save motorists when the targeting system malfunctions.  It will be difficult for the system to lock onto an invisible body, but if it manages that, the impenetrable panels will keep our clients safe.

Everything is starting to look possible again, which is nice because we don't have a lot of time to prepare before the robots attack.  The future isn't about AI, cloud computing, quantum computers, or retail shopping; the only future that matters is the one in which AcMo can sell flying suits with optional railguns.  Who wouldn't want to be part of that glorious future?  Who other than those drivers who obstruct traffic and hog the left lane, but I have a feeling they will be disappearing soon.