AcMo Beta Tester in Peril

Our primary beta tester expressed a lack of faith in some of AcMo's more daring projects right before he absconded with our rented hurricane breaker.  He wasn't wrong, but we can't succeed without taking risks and failing along the way.  We spend a lot of time on safety because it is easier and cheaper to do that now than to be forced to do it after losing a lawsuit.  Therefore, our beta tester has nothing to fear, except for maybe a couple of our laser-based projects.  We do have protective goggles for him.  We're not insensitive.

We've placed our beta tester in a lot of precarious situations over the years.  He has trusted AcMo with his life on numerous occasions when he shouldn't have. So far we've managed to keep him alive, but that doesn't mean there weren't several close calls.

I've never told our beta tester this, but stick figures in peril are based on him. The only true way to determine if something is dangerous is to try it.  We rely on simulations to guide our development processes, but simulations aren't substitutes for real experience.  Our backup hard drives are full with kilobytes of data on all of our safety simulations.  I regularly fabricate new safety data to placate our beta tester and keep him working hard while he thinks he's safe.

I spent a moment of quiet introspection earlier today to reminisce about some of the more dangerous situations we've placed our beta tester.  He always makes it through in the end.

Fish on the run

We wanted to see how fast he could run with a fish under his arm.  This didn't work out as planned on the first attempt because we tried to use live piranha.  Instead of carrying a handful, they bit him and latched onto his bleeding forearm.  We had to wait for them to run out of oxygen before we could remove them and take him to an urgent care facility.  The thing about urgent care facilities around here is that they all close at 22:00.  I had to recall my emergency medical training, which I received from watching House M.D., to apply a skin graft to preserve his forearm.  It was his non-dominant arm, so I think he would have been fine even if we didn't do anything to treat it.  We tried the second time with a grouper, but it was too heavy for him to run with any appreciable speed.  That was how we confirmed that it is better not to run with fish.

WHY?

The quiet room is almost as bad as being forced to drive the Probation Box.  Our beta tester managed to blow up our only functioning submersible car, so we put him in the quiet room we built inside the Probation Box.  He spent the next three weeks asking, "WHY?"  We only know this because we had surveillance equipment hidden inside.  He thought no one could hear his screams, but we heard them.  That was the last time we used the quiet room, and that's how it became a warning sign.

Dump Truck Sleeper

Beta testing is hard work and it requires full attention.  We make sure our beta tester is well rested so that he can operate at peak efficiency for as long as possible.  When we first started testing dump trucks from our opened mail delivery program, the long hours were getting to him.  I felt sorry for him, so I made a cot that sat on the bed of the truck chassis.  The dumping part was left in the raised position to function as a sunshade and environmental cover in case of strong winds, snow, rain, or birds.  The truck was never supposed to be operated when anyone was sleeping under it, but you know how hard it is to see someone sleeping.  It's almost like they're invisible.  I forgot he was there and went on a mail run.  I almost crushed our beta tester, but he rolled off the truck while still asleep, and that probably kept him alive.

When Angles Attack

Angles are important for everything in life.  The easiest way to get injured is to have the wrong angles while moving.  We put our beta tester in a batting cage to see how best to avoid the ball impacts and where we would need to improve padding for our ballistic armor project.  It was revealed that all of our angles were bad and our beta tester suffered grievous bodily harm.  His pain and suffering were invaluable to countless others who can avoid being belted by projectiles for no good reason.

Now we are approaching the seriously life threatening signs.  The problem with electricity is that it is everywhere and hard to control.  I have found that carrying a multimeter and wearing power company gear doesn't automatically impart important knowledge required to stay safe with electricity.  We tried a couple experiments conducting high voltages through our beta tester.  The first of those was the 1-step jigawatt test.  This resulted in a strange dance that lasted as long as current was flowing through him.  He had no recollection of doing this, so we tested him a few more times until his consciousness couldn't remain in his body.  The problem is that the dance looks really funny, and it is a great way to get a laugh if you're down, so we couldn't stop testing.  Laughter is the best medicine.

The 1-Step Jigawatt Dance

I like to think in pairs because that's how turbochargers work best in vehicles.  I thought if the 1-step jigawatt test was fun, the 2-step jigawatt test would be exponentially more entertaining.  I was right.

The 2-Step Jigawatt Dance

 This test produced synchronized electricity dances--I should probably call them involuntary convulsions--similar to the initial test.  However, because there were now two people moving to the groove, we laughed much harder and longer about it.

 I hate to end this post on a somber note, but the Yay! Roller was the one test I wish we would not have done.  For this one I let the beta tester drive because he was still recovering from the electrical shocks.  What I didn't realize at the time is that he was convulsing at random intervals because there was still some electrical energy stored in his bone marrow.

The ill-fated Yay! Roller

We had our secondary beta tester on the back of the Yay! Roller, but when he got into position and said, "Yay!", he fell off and that's when our beta tester ran him down.  As I reflect on this incident now, I begin to wonder if our beta tester didn't take him out on purpose.  Beta testing dangerous products is a nice assignment and I could see the desire to maintain control of the spotlight.  We've all been there.

Please think about our beta tester the next time you see a warning sign that illustrates dangerous activity.  He sacrificed a lot to make every place safer for citizens.  He will continue to protect others with his invaluable destructive testing as soon as we retrieve him.