There Can Be Only One!

Negotiations with Snob Duben have become contentious.  One major issue is preventing our deal from becoming official.  This is a fundamental philosophical difference that has always existed between us. Snob refuses to accept that he is wrong.  He will not be allowed to rejoin AcMo he can admit the truth.  There are two sides to this disagreement:  the correct one (mine) and the other one (his).  Astute readers will already know my camp is behind the F40.*

This isn't a Mary Ann or Ginger type of discussion because the obvious answer with that one is both. The same logic can't be applied to the cars because only one can be driven at a time unless you have retrofitted an AcMo Autopilot system.  Even then we can't advise driving both simultaneously.

I still can't fathom how there is even a debate.  Snob needs to accept the truth.  The 288 GTO formed the basis for the F40, but the F40 is the king.  The 288 was designed for a race class that was canceled before the car was completed.  The F40, conversely, had a long and quite successful racing career in both LM and GTE specifications.

Some would claim that the 288 GTO is far more reliable than the F40.  Snob is one of those people.    We aren't talking about Toyota levels of reliability--I can't believe I just wrote that.  This is a manufacturer known more for its cars spontaneously combusting than for their reliability.  In fact, I don't even think there is an Italian word for reliable automobile.  So maybe the 288 GTO breaks less frequently than an F40, but all that means is that you spend perhaps one less month every trimester with the car in the shop if you're lucky.

The last feeble crutch of Snob's deranged belief is based on appearance and styling. The sensuous hips of the GTO and its sporting front end highlighted by enormous driving lights separate it from the more pedestrian 3X8 series of Ferraris, but the family resemblance is still there.  Sure, it has a great personality, but it doesn't have that level of beauty to steal your heart upon first glance.  On the contrary, the F40 looks like a fighter jet with wheels, which is exactly what it was when it emerged from the Maranello factory's gates back in 1987.  I can tell a lot about a person who doesn't like a fighter jet on wheels.  None of it is good.

Snob's refusal to accept the truth was the cause of the original rift in our business relationship.  His insistence on changing our name was also a problem, but not as much as his irrational love of the 288 GTO over the F40.  He also doesn't know I was aware that he tried to funnel all of our profits into the purchase of a GTO for his personal use.  I got the last laugh as I re-funneled the funds into an F40 purchase account, but was unable to complete the purchase because of his ill-timed destruction of the original AcMo.  Snob needs to prove himself a man of strong character by admitting he has been wrong all of this time about the F40. Only then will I be able to conclude our business transaction to install him as a sacrificial figurehead.  I'm looking forward to signing the papers and closing this deal.  My plan depends on it.


















*They are both wonderful cars.  I just happen to like the F40 more, and it is hard for me to accept that anyone else lacks the sense and sound judgment to recognize that it is one of the most amazing Ferraris ever made, and obviously that much better than the 288 GTO.  

Slow is Smooth, Smooth is Fast, and Fast is Lethal

I always thought it sounded cool, but I never understood the practical application.  We all like to be able to dish out our very own bit of cool every now and then.  Since I'm a business generator, not a cool generator, I have to look for others to provide the cool.  [New business idea!]  The downside to that approach is that I often don't understand what I'm receiving.  Case in point.  I think lethal in this sense is metaphorical as I heard the statement regarding automobile racing, but I was told that it is an oft repeated mantra for some special forces as well.  I'm only concerned with being lethal on a race track, but again, not literally.  I only want to be deadly to lap times, but not by taking hidden shortcuts across the track.  We would never do that...if we might be seen in the process.  We would also never delay starting the timer to gain an extra second or two.

This post was prompted by a conversation I had with a friend of mine. He was concerned about spilling his coffee while driving. I called him a sissy.  He had valid concerns regarding scalding important body parts, but he's using that as a crutch to hide his fear. This is dedicated to him and people like him who are unwilling to acknowledge their fear in public.  We can't overcome our fears unless we face them.  That's why I put Compensation Package in that briefcase.  I was trying to help.

When I thought of the mantra, I thought if he followed that advice, he could drive at the pace he desired while not having to worry about spilling his coffee.  We ran some tests with a customer's vehicle, and after the fifth time through the test loop, we were able to keep the coffee where it belonged.  I downloaded our results to my friend and encouraged him to embrace his fear and try again.

He was not interested, so I had to use additional encouragement.  I told him that it was impossible to  improve a skill by not doing it.  He challenged me by implying holding coffee while driving wasn't a reasonable skill that required improvement.  THAT IS WHAT I TOLD HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE!  Since he had started us down this path, and development dollars had already been consumed during testing, we had to keep moving forward.  That is the AcMo way.

First, we had to break for a snack.  I was tired and my energy levels were low.  After my snack, I took a nap.  When I awoke I had him work on smoothing his steering inputs when setting up for a corner.  I also noticed he had a tendency to perform pit maneuvers on slower cars that wouldn't budge from the right lane, so we worked on that as well.  I suggested he get in front of them and drop spikes because that wouldn't damage his bumper and he would be clear of the ensuing mayhem.  He liked the idea and is considering contracting with us for an AcMo Spy Hunter-inspired upgrade kit.

Once his steering inputs were fixed, we had to work on smoothing brake application while attaining maximum brake effectiveness.  This is one of my favorite exercises when doing training.  We tell each student that we have a simulated brick wall made of foam that the car must approach at 100 mph then slow and avoid in an emergency lane change maneuver.  What we tell the students, and what we do are not the same.  The wall is not simulated brick, but real, and it moves!  It is impossible to win the emergency lane change maneuver because the wall will always be in the vehicle's path.  The best any student can hope to achieve is a glancing blow.  We are certain that the only way to garner tangible benefits from training is to train as if it is the real thing.  That is why we had to do the live-fire exercise.  Now I know which employees will not hold fast during a firefight, and which will save the day.  Acting as if a simulated scenario is real, and it actually being real are never quite the same.  Also, if the students knew that before starting, they would all flee.  That may be a better option now that I think about it since tuition is non-refundable.  It could do a lot to raise our profit margins there.

Students only ever hit a couple of the bricks, but since they're so strong, they do plenty of damage.  We are fortunate to have such understanding customers who let us use their vehicles for training purposes while they are in our care.  Our school couldn't survive without our generous customers.  Again, I'm almost certain we received prior consent, but just in case we didn't, the agreement is part of the binding services contract we require every customer to sign before starting any work.

It is quite a sight when an airbag detonates by surprise.  When I say surprise, that is a slight exaggeration because I knew we were going to hit those bricks, and I knew that would be enough to activate the airbags, but my friend still thought we were about to make first contact with foam bricks.  You should have seen his face.  He had about the same look anyone else would have if Mike Tyson (in his prime, oh who am I kidding?  Any time) jumped out of your steering wheel and punched you in the face while yelling, "BOOM!"  I should have given him the headband mounted GoPro for that one.  Shoot!  I'll have to remember that for next time.  We do have to be careful about what footage we share because sometimes customer's may recognize their vehicles and object to the display.  Oh, I know what to do.  I can blur the vehicle so it won't appear on screen just like Wonder Woman's invisible jet.  What?  How else can she possibly be flying in a seated position?  That reminds me of a Superman joke I heard a few weeks ago.  That joke will have to wait for another time.  I lost the moment.

We're not that far off from creating our own invisible jet.  Take a look at our new friend, Vantablack, if you think we're not serious about this.  The revenue streams available to us with invisible jets are way too lucrative to ignore.  That would just be bad conglomerate building business.  AcMo is known for a lot of questionable things, but making bad business decisions is not one of them.  That's how we've survived all of these years.

Once we recovered our senses from the crash, we were right back on the training course to put everything together to make this project a success.  The car sounded like the impact had knocked out a cylinder or two, but since it was still running, we decided to do more runs on the test course.  Hey, if there's gas in it and it runs, we're driving it.  That is also the AcMo way.  I was impressed with how well my friend picked up the lessons I tried to impart because I've been told by more than a few people that I'm a horrible teacher.  He was now smoother, faster, and more confident through the test course.  It was quite a surprise to both of us when the coffee spilled anyway, scalding him a bit.  I don't know for sure, but that's what the medical staff hinted had happened.  Because of HIPAA, they aren't allowed to tell me anything, and now I can't find my friend to ask him.

I feel confident in saying that we both learned a lot of solid lessons from our training program.  The best part about all of this is that I don't even like coffee.  However, it should serve as a representation of the dedication I have to bolstering AcMo's revenue streams, and the tangential efforts I will make to assist a friend.  Also, the biggest lesson here is that it is best to avoid coffee altogether, or to put your stupid coffee into your cupholder where it belongs right next to your stupid mobile device, and to pay attention to driving.

Windshield Innovations

The eyes are windows to the soul, while a windshield is your window to the track and any hazards approaching.  Being able to see as much as possible is almost always a good thing.  That's why AcMo has developed the newest advancement in tear-off technology for windshields.  I am proud to introduce the AcMo UV reactive tear-off.  This is the only tear-off technology you'll ever need.  Now you don't have to worry if half of the track is bathed in sunlight while the other half is dark.  You'll still be able to see through a whole lap.  This new technology will reduce the moment of abject terror that occur when traveling at high speeds when the brightness of the sun obscures all forward visibility.  I'm assuming you're not like me, and that you keep your eyes open the whole time you're on track. These tear-offs can help with that.  New excuses will need to be developed to explain why you aren't as fast as you should be, or why you ran into something that was quite visible.

I don't know what else I can say about these revolutionary new tear-offs. Oh, the materials used to create the tear-offs also renders them bullet resistant. I've been advised by legal that we can't say they are bulletproof for liability reasons.  We don't expect gun fire to erupt at most track venues, but we find that the events you least anticipate are almost always the ones to occur.

We developed these tear-offs as a response to the inability of our transitioning visors to work when seated behind a UV blocking windshield.  We knew there had to be a better way, and we believe we've found it.  As always, we put our words behind our testing efforts.  We know these work because we have the failures to prove it.

Several glass manufacturing companies have been in contact with us over the last few months.  I'm not sure how they heard we were developing this technology.  I suspect the mole has been leaking information again.  I haven't been able to draw out this person, but I am hopeful that Compensation Package will do the job for me, and that Fred will then take care of Compensation Package.  My sanity is dependent upon the situation unfolding in that exact manner.  I am sore from sitting on top of my desk, and I could use some exercise, which I can't do from on top of the desk.

These companies have asked for detailed information regarding the development of our tear-offs.  I don't think they believe we've done what we say we've done.  I'm not stupid though, I'm not going to give them our plans.  I know what they are trying to do.  They all want to suppress the technology to keep ignorant drivers being blinded by sunlight.  More crashes leads to more windshield sales.  We know all about the financial metrics of crashing.

I have agreed to form a joint partnership with the leading consultant to the automotive glass industry to create new opportunities for this technology to be introduced to the pertinent motorsport markets.  We have also considered designing a tear-off for use on fighter jet canopies, but we are having trouble keeping them affixed at speed.  Also we have had a tough time figuring out how the pilot can remove the tear-off while at speed.  We did some experiments using the downtime that occurs during aerial refueling, but that was a bad decision.  We do now know that the tear-offs melt at temperatures above 1400º F.  It is important to avoid that level of exposure at all costs because when it melts into the surface, it causes an unstable reaction.  The film fluctuates between light and dark in an uncontrolled manner, which makes seeing anything almost impossible.

There are several ways to mitigate the damage of total visual obstruction, but we haven't figured out what they are yet.  For now it is best to move as far away from the tear-off as possible if it begins thermal deterioration.  This is one of the reasons we have delayed rolling out our fighter jet solution.  None of the above mentioned issues should occur in a land based vehicle.  

Quiet Time

It's always the quiet moments during a lull in activity I fear most. Monday mornings are like that a lot when everyone is coming off a different pace from the weekend.  The quiet combined with waiting for prototypes to finish printing at Office Max or Depot--I can never differentiate them--in the early morning hours at AcMo leave my mind too much time to anticipate the next crisis. I never know what it will be, but I always know a new one is inevitable. Will we be equipped to overcome the challenge?  So far we have been, but I know we can't win them all.

This past weekend was spent removing a turbocharger that resigned citing intolerable work conditions during testing at Road America.  The turbo had been complaining for a while, but since we closed the complaint department, the turbo's cries were never received.  At least that past crisis isn't a current surprise.  The situation may change when the repair bill arrives.

Working alone in the garage with your trusted tools can be a great experience.  No one else knows when you decide to wear your slippers instead of appropriate work shoes, and no one can hear your screams when the heavy turbocharger slips from your oily fingers and lands on your slipper shod feet.  No one can see your tears as you struggle to figure out how to avoid cleaning your hands on your clothes so you can grip the turbo well enough to remove it from your now swelling feet.  When the job is done, all you have to do is craft a convincing cover story why you could walk on Friday, but now you can't on Monday.  A lot of things happen on the weekends, so it shouldn't be hard to get the story right.  I was involved in a pedestrian vs. chicken hawk (they are far more stout than you would believe) collision while walking in the park.

Too much heat!  No more spool time for us.

This is the inevitable result of too much high boost.  Imagine what it would look like if we had installed a TGE™on this car! 

It's hard to see in this shot, but there's oil down there.  This is not going to make AcMo rich like the Beverly Hillbillies though.

The removal was simple enough considering I'm an expert at disassembly.  The only issue was from
oil spilling everywhere, which happened despite taking reasonable precautions in advance to prevent a mess.  I think oil by nature just likes to spill whenever possible.  It is also puzzling that there always seems to be more oil coming out than could have possibly been in the system in the first place.  How does it do that?  I could have let one of the mechanics (not Moe!) handle the removal, but it's good to get my hands dirty so I can remember the process.  I need to keep my skills sharp to be ready when the pro teams call.  I hope to have this turbo fixed and returned to AcMo soon for reinstallation.

I always get a bit discouraged when something breaks and ends the weekend even though I should be used to it by now.  All I ever need to do is watch a professional car race and see teams that spend a few dollars more, and have one or two smarter people on staff than AcMo.  When one of those teams has an unexplained failure to end their weekend I'm reminded that it isn't just our bad luck.

Preparation is important to success, but sometimes there are more variables than any amount of prior work can surmount.  That is what happens to AcMo on a regular basis.  We are ultra-prepared in areas that won't effect our performance while we are not appropriately prepared on the mechanical side.  I blame that on a number of factors other than myself.

Since we have an extensive database of failure modes, we are taking steps to eliminate most of them from interfering with our future track days.  We are moving our business model to focus 110% of our efforts on customer car failure testing instead of our own cars.  This will work out much better for everyone involved, except our customers.

Today was unusual in that the phones didn't ring, and no emergencies occurred.  This is not normal for us.  I'm a bit concerned now.  I did check to confirm we still had working phones--that's part of my daily security sweep.  To a master planner, it is almost always the obvious detail that becomes the catalyst for failure when it is overlooked, which is why I always check the phones and the lights.

I may not know what will happen next, but I know whatever it is, I might be ready for it, and it won't be something obvious.

Blast Shields

Almost every day at AcMo involves a meeting with the lawyers.  These meetings are never fun because all the lawyers care about is AcMo's exposure to lawsuits.  According to the lawyers, AcMo has a lot of exposure.  I think they just say that to justify the outrageous bills, but maybe they are right.  These meetings often end with a directive that AcMo must get in front of the impending product scandal and issue a release explaining the situation.  I almost never do that because it is too hard to come across as sincere and caring while explaining how and why we let a defective product into the marketplace.  The truth is, defective or not, we can't function unless we're shipping product.

Today is one of the rare days I was willing to do what was recommended by AcMo's lawyers.  It is good for morale to let them have a victory every once in a while.  No one likes hanging out with grumpy lawyers.  It's even worse when you have to pay for them to be here and they are making every one else miserable.

When your TGEx™ has had enough and decides to explode, our patented AcMo blast shields (marketing is late as usual with a super cool product name) will protect you and others from shrapnel damage.   Granted, shrapnel was instrumental in transforming Tony Stark into Iron Man, but the odds of that happening again are low.  If you like to gamble, by all means, give it a shot, but don't try to sue AcMo when the outcome is not optimal.  We want to protect our customers and those around them from injury or death.  We would tell you to shop elsewhere, but the business model can't survive that.

The blast shields are designed to withstand multiple explosions of a maximum 0.5 kilotons of energy before needing replacement.  These shields are built to withstand heat in excess of 2000º .  You could bake or grill with these shields, although there is a high likelihood of chemicals leaching into your food.  Upon further consideration, please only use the blast shields for their intended purpose and nothing else.  We cannot warranty shields used for cooking, fishing, or as extra seat cushions.  Each package contains about one year's worth of protection.  By minimizing the propagation of the energy blast, engines and transmissions can sometimes be salvaged for future use.  The AcMo blast shields are a unique blend of kevlar, carbo-titanium, and a modicum of newt's eye.  That last ingredient is responsible for giving them their sparkle--at least before the first explosion.  They don't sparkle any longer after that.  In fact, they will look charred and deformed after the blast, but they will still function.  I think.  I haven't had the courage to test them with a second blast.

Running a TGEx™without the blast shields puts yourself, your passengers, innocent bystanders, and other motorists at increased risk of shrapnel damage.  Don't be part of the problem, be part of the short-term solution.  We hope to have the TGEx™fixed before too many of them are sold, but we can't stop production at this time.  The costs involved are too great to not have our products on store shelves.  AcMo urges caution when using our products, and we hope that none of you explode in the process.  That's why it is so important to run our Blast Shields.

TGE™ Success x2!

This is what happens when you don't respect the torque gaps.

I am thrilled to announce that the Torque Gap Exploder™ will now be added to our expanding product lineup.  This decision was the result of exhaustive field trial failures which did not produce a workable alternative.  The TGEx™is the result of intensive R & D gone wrong.  The engineers couldn't come up with a solid resolution, so we did the next best thing:  full blown spin control.  Consider it a happy accident that benefits the consumer similar to kevlar, Post-It's, IBM, the line of scrimmage, the infield fly rule, crock pots, and others.

The TGEx™, like every AcMo product, is for the discerning connoisseur who does everything in fine style.  Install the TGEx™ then prepare to call your transport service to pick up your now junked vehicle.  Those still under the manufacturer's new vehicle warranty will be thrilled to learn that the explosion will not be covered.  This is why we test on other people's cars first.  The TGEx™allows anyone to detonate their engine during power application.  We discovered this unique feature during our first test.  We believed it was either a manufacturing defect, or at worst, not installed in the correct manner.  The manual doesn't include installation instructions at this time because I've been too busy to write them, so we decided against the culprit being an installation error.  We ran detailed simulations using our vast network of compromised servers to confirm the design's validity. That left product defect from the manufacturer.

The printing facilities are across the hall from my office, so I sacrificed my lunch break to run over there to supervise the production line.  I have surveillance covering every inch of the AcMo headquarters, but even in 3D, these cameras don't provide an accurate representation of the real thing.  It was a surprise to walk into the room and hear the printers for the first time.  They are much louder than I expected.  I think I violated a few OSHA regulations since I didn't wear hearing protection or safety glasses, but I kept my eyes closed most of the time, so I think I'm good.

Stepping into the manufacturing facilities filled me with joy.  I don't know why I didn't do that sooner.  One day the entire building will be full of 3D printers creating the next stage in automotive innovations.  For now we are just 6 printers, with a seventh reserved for development of printing edible food as part of a side business.  Each printer creates the TGE™or TGEx™from a block of undisclosed material (I have too many competitors who want this tech to give up all of the details) that will soon be installed in a car near you.  Another development from our field testing was the creation of TGEx™blast shields.  These are designed to limit shrapnel exposure and collateral damage when the inevitable explosion occurs and the engine's internals flee to safety outside the block.  A happy customer is a returning customer, and an exploded one is bad for our street cred.

AcMo will have a detailed release regarding the blast shields the moment I have time to tell the marketing department we have a new product.  I accept that our communication skills may not be the best, but I just do not have time to update the marketing department about every second of every day. To be honest, even though I know the department is essential to AcMo's continued success, I still have not been able to accept their intrusive nature.

We now have two great products, with two similar names, sold in the same packaging.  AcMo wins, and the consumers win no matter which product you purchase.  AcMo is considering a two for one special, dependent on demand and on a first come, first serve basis.

The TGEx™t-shirts are still combusting when worn in direct sunlight, UV light, or, to be honest, any kind of light.  We are working hard to solve the issue, and hope to have the t-shirts stable enough for transport within the next few weeks.

Exuberant doesn't begin to describe the mood in the AcMo offices.  We are about to take complete control of the automotive world while no one is watching.  GM's recall woes couldn't have been timed better for our purposes.  I know you're thinking our SOD had something to do with GM's problems, but I assure you that our external disaster team had not yet been formed when GM went bad.

The CAR FOX® Is Still a Fox

Does this look like a trustworthy face?

The latest CARFAX commercials raise several serious health and safety issues.  First, let me get this out of the way:  I didn't realize the CAR FOX® was so big.  It looks much smaller on television.  Imagine how many cars get damaged when that fox falls on them.  When was the last time you saw a fox--a normal fox or one that can talk and stand on its hind legs--and thought it looked trustworthy?  I'm smart enough to know that unless I can channel road runner speed, I should be wary whenever I encounter a fox.   I have not yet been forced to discover if I in fact do have road runner speed since I've never seen a fox.

Light skimming of my business class books I found in the dumpster behind AcMo's offices indicates that foxes are terrible business operators. They are known to jump over lazy dogs, but that couldn't even get one hired here at AcMo, and we have super low standards.  We once hired a moth to do light bulb inspections.  It seemed like a perfect fit at the time because we didn't have to pay much, and the moth was doing what it loved.  The trial period ended early when the moth flew too close to one of the bulbs and was trapped in its gravitational field.  That poor moth's shadow is forever beamed from that bulb, and serves as a sobering reminder of what can happen when you soar too close to bright lights.

One of the things I hate about having to type these blog posts at work is that my employees are always watching me.  It makes it so hard to concentrate on what matters most here, which is keeping our expanding list of creditors at bay.  If the employees only knew how hard I was working for them, they would stop sleeping on the job.  Microsoft still hasn't figured out that I stole Bing's mojo to power our servers.  "Honestly, I needed server mojo power, and they weren't using it anyway."  Boy, will they be mad when they discover that's the reason their search engine sucks.

Where was I?  Right, the CAR FOX®   CARFAX is only a little bigger than AcMo, so I don't see how an operation of that size can convince a fox to buy into their corporate culture.  We tried to put two cats to work here as vehicle inspectors, but we only ended up with more cats and none of them were earners.  They did scratch a lot of cars.  Thankfully, we didn't own any of them.  The CAR FOX® employs moles on the inspection team.  That screams, "bad idea!" to me.  Moles have terrible eyesight, and do not have proper lighting capabilities to do underbody vehicle checks even if they could see.  I've never found a business case study in which a combination of foxes and moles didn't end in a trail of tears for both the business and the moles.  I suspect the fox is being sly while planning an insurrection at CARFAX, and is also working to lull the moles into a false sense of security so they can be eaten for dessert. 

What recourse does a consumer have when the inevitable hidden issues arise?  Good luck taking the fox to court, or even negotiating an amicable resolution that doesn't involve teeth locked onto your arms or legs.  Foxes can react with extreme violence when backed into corners.  In fact, I would bet it is almost impossible to even get a fox to sit down for a meeting.  The lack of opposable thumbs, and the presumed inability to speak hinder usage of electronic devices.  I'm not sure how CARFAX was able to find a talking fox that knows automobiles.  What were the odds on that?  Not to mention, it will be impossible to determine which mole was responsible for the missed items on the report. The CAR FOX® is the latest evidence that strong relationships are more important than skills and experience because no sane person would hire a CAR FOX® to be in charge of vehicle inspections.  The CAR FOX® must be close friends with several CARFAX board members, or have something incriminating on them.

When you encounter an AcMo approved vehicle, you will know it was destroyed by real humans doing real bad driving.  There won't be any hidden surprises when you want to purchase because most of the body panels will be missing.  We are honest and open with our disclosures, and we're smart enough to no longer hire wild animals to fill executive positions.  Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twenty times, shame on you.  We learned our lesson with that last mongoose.  He was quite angry all of the time, and he didn't like to be approached about anything.  That last time we had to tell him the report wouldn't be done by close of business on a Friday was the moment we knew we had made a grave mistake in hiring him.  The office never looked the same after that.  We had to move out the next day and we couldn't get our security deposit returned.  I hear that office is still vacant--except for that angry mongoose.  He refuses to let it go.

If you're in the market for the best beater vehicles money can buy, send your ultra high luxury and/or exotic vehicle to us, and we'll sell it back to you in perfect beater condition.  That's our sales guarantee.  The AcMo vehicle procurement, destruction, and redistribution division knows how to buy, sell, and destroy cars.  Can CARFAX compete with any of our skills?  No.  Go with the best and choose AcMo today.  Hurry before some agency shuts us down.

Temporary Testing Position Available

Things happen fast at the track.  It is not a joke or a playground, or somewhere to play bumper cars, despite the fact most professional racing series indicate otherwise.  Disrespect the forces involved at your own peril.  We say that a lot around the AcMo offices.  Along with, "Luke, I am your father."  (Luke's dad really does work here, but we're not sure who he is.)

Everyone knows the old saying, "A surprise for a surprise."  AcMo responds to life's surprises by issuing our own surprises.  Today we have the surprise announcement that a coveted test driver position has become available due to a training mishap involving one of our two ex-Daewoo test drivers.

My Korean is not as strong as I would like, and the word I used for "left" does not appear to mean left in Korean. Based on the driver's actions, my direction was interpreted to mean that he should continue straight, and not to even consider applying the brakes. A lot of damage ensued, which did not require translation. The result was a ruined vehicle, a massive guard rail bill, and a driver who has been banned from any further testing in any vehicle. Cars can be replaced with enough money, but people can't. At least I don't think they can. Perhaps a 3D printer exists that can print people. I need to research that.  A lot of AcMo's personnel problems could be solved in a couple hours.  At the time of this writing, since it is inconclusive whether or not people can be 3D printed, we are grateful that our test driver was not injured in the crash. 

We had to release the driver from his contract when he finished his walk back to the pits from the crash site. Business in this industry is too important to carry liabilities. He was no longer of any use. At AcMo, every employee is like family until a mistake is made. Then they have to be excised before the poison can spread into the rest of the organization, just like family. 

AcMo is built upon a foundation of excellence.  Everything on top of the foundation is far from excellent, but our base is solid.  Therefore, we can only employ the best in the field since we need to compensate, and a chain is only as strong as its weakest link.  If you think you have the skills to work in a low paying, high pressure, frenetic environment, and know how to use a fire extinguisher--aim at the base--contact us soon.  Unless we have another testing mishap, the position will not remain open for long.

The applicant must have a suitable vehicle for testing purposes and a driver's license.  Previous experience is nice, but not required.  It is most important that the driver be able to embellish experience and capability, as those are essential for appearing fast.  We talk the talk here, and sort of crawl the walk.  AcMo gets it done.  Join the team today!

We have a simple philosophy here when testing parts suitability:  if we can't break it, no one can.  We have so far only encountered a handful of parts and complete vehicles that we can't break.  We are always looking for opportunities to expand our database.

Suitable vehicles include, but are not limited to:  Audi R8 V10 Plus, BMW M6 GC PP, Cadillac CTS-V, Ferrari LaFerrari, F50, F40, 288 GTO, Lamborghini Aventador, McLaren 650S, any Pagani vehicle, Porsche 991 GT3 (post engine change), 991 Turbo S, and a Rolls Royce Ghost Series 2 (great parts haulers).  We've found that people are often willing to supply free parts when they see you arrive in a Rolls Royce.  We built a whole car this way in our first year in business.

If you have any of these vehicles, and would like to get involved in AcMo's proprietary destructive testing business, send us a fax.  We also accept message by carrier pigeon, but be warned that response time lags with messages sent by pigeon.

Under The Curtain

There are two things you should never do:  press the red button, or dig into the inner workings of a business. Sometimes ignorance is the only defense.

Some companies are a combination of operational happy accidents that result in success, and are one inevitable mistake away from failure. Knowing a business is either one won't instill confidence in the customer or partner companies.

An old hot-rodding show I used to watch followed a legend of the industry. After watching several episodes, I came to the conclusion that I couldn't trust that team to perform routine maintainence on my tricycle without a major mishap. Forget about a ground up restoration. 

Restaurant or cooking shows are another genre I avoid. Watching kitchen staff cross-contaminate prep surfaces, not wash hands on a regular basis, and not wear hair nets makes me cringe.  I would stop eating at almost every restaurant after monitoring the habits of the kitchen staff for a few minutes. 

There are a few car related shows that made me question how some used car dealerships are profitable. Buying used cars without performing any discernible pre-purchase inspection is madness, in my opinion. Turning around and selling questionable cars to an uninformed consumer is poor form. When one of these "experts" vouches for a car, look out!

I have experienced an exception to this.   I'm sure there are more, but I can't watch every show on every channel and still run AcMo's expanding operations. I stumbled onto the show, Legendary Motorcar, last year. The show follows father and son, Peter and Gary Klutt and their staff, as they buy, sell, restore, and modify various cars. I watched a few episodes and liked the show. Both Peter and Gary come across as genuine people who are passionate about their business, and they appear to have a strong team working with them. I forgot about the show because if it isn't right in front of my face, I can't remember it.  This is why I have to write notes to myself on my forehead. Since I found the show toward the end of the season, and didn't mark it on my forehead, I forgot about it. 

I just came across it again about a month ago. I am now watching every episode I can find. A previous season's episode featuring a Pagani Zonda R and a Bullitt Mustang recreation re-aired this past week. 

I anticipated enjoying the Zonda R segment, which I did, but that wasn't the only part of the show that cemented my respect for them. You need to see the segment to learn about the act of extreme kindness Peter did for a young boy who was quite sick. It still brings a tear to my eye. 

During chassis work on the Mustang, Peter spent time explaining their process to the audience.  He accomplishes at least two things by doing this:  he educates his audience, and he shows the thought and effort that go into each of their jobs. They seem to care about their name and their reputation. 

Welding chassis supports onto the Mustang's rear axle caused the axle to slightly distort. Peter explained the fix for this while one of his crew did the repair. A lot of shops wouldn't bother with this repair because the axle can probably still be assembled without straightening. This is the kind of detail work a customer may never see or be aware of, but the builders will know.  That attention to detail and care in doing things correctly the first time separates Legendary Motorcar's work from a lot of "quality" shops. 

This is a rare show that makes me more eager to do business with them rather than less after seeing how their operation runs. I am now considering sending my Green Machine tricycle to Legendary Motorcar for the aforementioned ground up restoration. This confidence regarding their craftsmanship is the highest form of praise I can bestow on them. I only wish I could get AcMo's standards half as high. Right now we are operating at a sub-chop shop quality level, and I need to raise that at least to a licensed and competent shop level this fiscal year. I'll shoot for the moon--better than Hyundai quality--next year. 

Heavy Metal

I can no longer maintain my silence. An under-reported problem has been consuming the country.  It grows every generation.  People talk about it at race tracks, on the side of popular driving roads, at gas stations--a lot at gas stations, and in online forums, but no one wants to bring it into the light. This has been going on for too long.  We have a serious weight problem:  current sports cars are too heavy.  It's a long list, but here are a few of my favorite offenders:  Aston Martin (V12 Vantage), Chevrolet (Z/28), Nissan (GT-R), Porsche (918 Spyder).  Not even the mistaken installation of counterfeit plastic pedals (now recalled) helped Aston trim the weight.  I would list a Ferrari (FF), but no one knows what they weigh because the numbers are fabricated at the factory, and the owners aren't permitted to weigh them.  

There was a time when a side or frontal impact at moderate speed meant instant death, but cars are safer now.  Is it the increased weight?  I don’t think so.  Some of that extra weight is derived from the forty or so airbags, igniters (the part that tickles the bag until it goes, "boom!"), and sensors to monitor them that are now in every car.  I think the real culprit is profit.  A basic tenet of any successful business is the ability to turn a profit.  No self respecting, MBA clad, Harvard of course, executive would willingly reduce profit margins without a fight.  The incentive for auto manufacturers to risk losing profits to chase lightness isn't there.   It costs large amounts of money to take weight out of cars. The research, development, testing, and expensive materials required all eat into profit margins.  As the vehicle price climbs higher, the pool of buyers diminishes, and production cost savings can't be implemented on lower volumes.  It is a vicious cycle.  Aftermarket solutions exist to add legitimate lightness if you have large amounts of money.  Everything comes down to money.  The heavier your bank account, the lighter you can make your car--and simultaneously, your bank account.

One area in which manufacturers are succeeding in adding lightness is in the brake rotor material.  Several auto manufacturers have made carbon ceramic brake rotors available.  These reduce unsprung weight, and when not overheated, can last longer than standard cast iron rotors.  However, these composite rotors can be expensive.  Even though most of the auto manufacturer supplied carbon ceramic brake systems come from the same source, the auto manufacturers charge different amounts for them.  This whole situation is beginning to feel like a high-tech shakedown.  Mind your Bitcoins, people.

A heavy car does its best Pac-man impression on consumable items such as:  brake pads, rotors (not the composites, they're too hard on Pac-man's jaws), tires, shocks, bushings, blinker fluid*, and wheel bearings.  The fuel economy doesn't get a pass either. When your car is all used up, Pac-man moves to the one parked next to it and starts eating that too.  Pac-man never sleeps, and never stops eating.  Heavier cars dull the senses and reaction time.  Think of trying to run an obstacle course in mush while wearing snow boots.  That's *exactly* what driving a heavy sports car feels like.  Maybe.  We should do some testing to confirm.  Could I have a volunteer?

I also take issue with the often repeated argument that places part of the blame on an insatiable desire for more luxury features inside the cabin.  Apparently, luxury has somehow become synonymous with heavy. Don't get me started on current Bentleys and Rolls-Royces.  They aren't sports cars, which is what I'm worried about today, so I'll save that particular diatribe for another day.  Electronic components have decreased in size while increasing performance and reliability. Why would an infotainment system built today weigh more than one put in a car ten years ago?  The screens are bigger now, and mp3s are heavy too, I understand that, but this is absurd.  Why do sports cars even need infotainment screens?  Unless that screen is the display for recordable telemetry functions and the monitor for a Pratt & Miller Radar Camera, then it must be there.

If nothing else, lightweight cows who involuntarily supply their hides for interior leather are lighter and stronger--thank antibiotics and steroids (not just for MLB players anymore)--than what came before.  Leather substitute materials are also lighter than their predecessors. In a surprise twist, manufacturers put even more of the stuff in the car to bring the weight back up.  Weight equals luxury, and nothing screams luxury like leather--or faux leather.  And weight.

I know when I'm a pedestrian I would prefer to tangle with a 3000 lb. car rather than a 4700 lb. one. I'll probably lose either way, but the 3000 lb. car will keep me looking handsome for my funeral.  If those words prove to be prophetic, please stop by my funeral to see which car got me.  Place bets in advance. The proceeds will go to the Lightness Movement.  We need to stand strong and tell the auto manufacturers the holiday is finished. Serious lightweight solutions are no longer optional.  Your vehicle's consumable items will thank you.  The manufacturers of said items will not as they will all go out of business when people stop needing to replace all of them every other month.

*Cars don't use blinker fluid any longer since the government outlawed it because of safety concerns.  I'm just making sure you're paying attention.

Chasing the Line

The Keyhole @ Mid-OH (If your car ends up out here, you're doing it wrong.)

AcMo was founded so that we could get paid to play on tracks around the country.  That was the idea and vision.  The reality is that the bills are hard to pay--key person insurance is a real killer, and track time is expensive.  AcMo was forced to pivot during a time of extreme economic distress.  That pivot placed us in a unique position to offer track related services to our clients.  We differ from the other companies out there in that we do all of our testing using our client's vehicles.  This reduces our overhead, and provides us the opportunity to break other people's machinery.

We are excited to announce that we have recently acquired two test drivers who last worked with Daewoo in the chassis development department.  These two have said they are responsible for the signature wooden float ride and expired and dried out sponge handling of Daewoo's cars.  No one here understood any of that, perhaps as a result of a translation error, however, we think we liked what they were selling, so we brought them onboard for an unpaid probationary period.  Plus we didn't want to be rude.  Those cost savings are not passed along to our clients.  We can't afford it.

I would appreciate it if you keep our financials confidential because the staff here and the new marketing department are not aware that we are perched on the edge of a bottomless pit of financial despair and ruin.  A few poorly timed trades involving pork bellies have not helped the situation improve.

If you consider yourself a high performance driver, keep reading.  If not, keep reading anyway because you will learn something, and we don't get paid for this stuff unless everyone reads the whole post.  When racing or doing Driver's Ed (DE), the proper driving line is important--even more so when you are at a track that charges for unintentional lawn mowing.  I still maintain that type of mowing is a valuable service, and the tracks should be paying us.  Whether you are trying to win your DE, or a professional race, driving the correct line in the correct direction will help get you there. 

First you need to know where the line is.  A different perspective often helps visualize the correct line through corners.  We prefer to use the AcMo helicopter to gain that perspective, but since we've never had a profitable day, we've been reduced to using a custom-built, carbon fiber chassis quadcopter equipped with eight GoPro Hero 3+ Black Edition cameras.  This is only used when we can afford to charge the batteries.  I would share video from our latest track walk, but I am tired of having people steal my life's work and profit from it, so now it is only shared with paying clients on a sporadic basis.

We live and drive in three dimensions, so the track walk is another component of our complete track analysis.  Walking the track isn't enough though; it's critical that you pay attention to the track surface and direction instead of daydreaming while enjoying a brisk walk.*  Once you've established a general idea of the line through corners it is time for one of our instructors to get in your car and experiment.  We Start out slow and build speed as we memorize the correct line and braking zones.  We've found that the best way to tackle braking zones is with your eyes closed.  No one ever wins their DE in the first session, but you sure can lose it if you crash in the pit lane on the out lap--true story.  

This is just a general primer to help point you toward fast lapping your favorite track some time soon.  If you would like additional information, or even better, want to hire us to destroy your prized possession, contact us today!  We have a client who is in the process of acquiring a Porsche 911 Turbo.  He's already tasked us with showing him the car's full potential.  We have pre-registered for events at VIR and Summit Point to show the owner just what it takes to break a 911 Turbo at high speeds.  This knowledge will benefit him a great deal on his next new vehicle purchase which will be to replace his soon-to-be broken 911 Turbo.  We also plan to flog the replacement vehicle on track.

Knowing the proper technique and executing on a competent and repeatable basis separate the punters from the heroes.  At AcMo, we've been turning heroes into punters for decades.  If you encounter an AcMo approved vehicle and driver at your next track event, give them both a wide berth.  You know the driver will be fast, but the car will be close to its expiration date.  We may not be the best or fastest, but we know how to cut corners (and track lawns) better than anyone.  Become an AcMo approved driver today.  The track awaits.

*It has been brought to my attention that track walks during active driving sessions are prohibited.  I forget the exact reasons why, but it had something to do with traffic, liability, and extreme danger, or, in other words, a bunch of legal nonsense.