Signal Protection

A serious issue was brought to my attention after close of business last Friday.  A trusted informant alerted me about our risk of exposure to unauthorized signals intelligence efforts.  I always thought signals intelligence was a board game, but I had been given erroneous information--probably on purpose.  There are those who endeavor to keep AcMo in the dark about everything.  So far that campaign has been successful, but the situation is evolving. 

Signals intelligence is a rapidly advancing technological weapon.  This tech has been used for years against unsuspecting civilians.  Most people are unaware that their brains leak information that can be intercepted by anyone with the proper equipment.  It is unwise for me to elaborate on this topic since we don't know who might intercept this post. 

There are a select group of citizens who believed tin foil hats offered some protection from signal emissions, but they were quite wrong.  It turns out this was by design.  The reason tin foil hats don't work is because of a design flaw built into the manufacturing process of the foil.  I have discovered that this flaw is a result of intense pressure to keep unimpeded access to our most private thoughts available. 

Why would any foil manufacturer agree to this?  I believe that the responsible party is quite skilled at providing the appropriate amount of pressure against almost any entity.  The tin foil manufacturers would only agree to do this if they had a solution to protect their own thoughts from being hijacked.  Through a great deal of solid detective work, and a bit of luck, I have discovered the secret formula.  The development path of our newest device was a difficult one.  So many of our products originate from the quest to develop a better solution to either a non-existent problem, or one we created ourselves.  This product was derived from a need to protect unwitting citizens from unauthorized brain signal theft.  

There are groups out there who are not content to monitor all Internet traffic, they want to know what we're going to post before it even reaches the Internet.  The only reliable way I know of to do that is to get the signal straight out of the head.  Complete world domination is only a few moves away if total brain access can be achieved.

With the weight of that realization on all of us, I was told that the AcMo scientists spent the entire weekend creating brain signal protecting foil for new hats.  Due to the complex construction process, we can only offer the product in one color. Adding dyes diminishes the signal blocking effectiveness to an unacceptable level. This is an example of function over fashion. Your signals will thank you. 

We also took the liberty of redesigning the hats for a more stylish appearance.  We got rid of the angles in favor of organic curves.  The first thought people will have when seeing one of our hats being worn will no longer be that a tin foil boat is on top of the wearer's head. Now they will see a shape that represents an exact replica of a scaled down flying saucer.  This is by design since everyone knows what a flying saucer looks like even if the memory is being blocked by outside forces, and it will indicate that the wearer means serious business.  Consider it a multifunctional beret, only better.  The only giveaway that something special lurks within the material are the seven micro antennas used to coordinate signal disruption.  They are almost invisible to the casual observer, but those who belong to this select group of aware citizens will know right away what they are seeing.

The marketing team hasn't had time to review the prototypes to create brochures and calculate a suggested retail price, but I can tell you that these things are gems.  I wouldn't be surprised to see one featured in a museum exhibit in the near future.  Sure, they look nice and you'll look swell wearing one, but the thing everyone wants to know is whether or not they work.

It is so efficient that it can also obstruct and/or obfuscate incoming signals.  Consider it a signal black hole.  AcMo has done it again!  I put a development prototype on my head Saturday morning around 05:00, and I don't remember a thing until this morning when someone I didn't recognize removed it from my head.  We are still testing to see if there are any side effects from prolonged usage, but I am eager to test it for a full week to see what happens.  We also hope to begin road testing utilizing one of our clients who could benefit from our tech during his daily traffic congested commute.  AcMo's Ultimate Signal Protection Head Gear may just be a miracle device.  It is impressive and that's from an organization that is known for cranking out miracle devices. 

Don't think we've been wasting our time just developing this product for people.  An adorable coyote wandered into our shop on Friday--I was going to mention it, but it didn't seem relevant at the time--so we decided to engineer a version for it to test.  We chose the coyote because it was there, and it seemed like the safest way to deal with it before it killed all of us.  We were met with surprising initial resistance and a fair amount of violent biting before the team could get the test unit on the coyote's head.  The encouraging results of that initial test indicated to me that it would be safe to test our development prototype on my own head.

Our hope is that we can create an additional use for these devices as a tool to quiet the incessant barking of random dogs in our general area.  We have determined that pleading with the dogs to be quiet is ineffective and depressing.  Talking with barking dogs is often similar to dealing with some of our more difficult clients.  I am creating even more potential uses right now as I consider the device.  This is quite exciting!  I see a long and profitable future for our newest product.  The best part is that since this is a hat and classified as apparel, there aren't any regulatory hurdles we need to worry about jumping.

As with all great scientific discoveries the establishment doesn't want released, expect to see attempts by unnamed parties to discredit AcMo and its products.  Do not be fooled by the numerous attempts of character assassination of AcMo's leadership.  These will all be coordinated  by the aforementioned unnamed parties and will not succeed if you do your parts.  Please be ready to don your AcMo Ultimate Signal Protection Head Gear so we can get to work saving the world.

Slow is Smooth, Smooth is Fast, and Fast is Lethal

I always thought it sounded cool, but I never understood the practical application.  We all like to be able to dish out our very own bit of cool every now and then.  Since I'm a business generator, not a cool generator, I have to look for others to provide the cool.  [New business idea!]  The downside to that approach is that I often don't understand what I'm receiving.  Case in point.  I think lethal in this sense is metaphorical as I heard the statement regarding automobile racing, but I was told that it is an oft repeated mantra for some special forces as well.  I'm only concerned with being lethal on a race track, but again, not literally.  I only want to be deadly to lap times, but not by taking hidden shortcuts across the track.  We would never do that...if we might be seen in the process.  We would also never delay starting the timer to gain an extra second or two.

This post was prompted by a conversation I had with a friend of mine. He was concerned about spilling his coffee while driving. I called him a sissy.  He had valid concerns regarding scalding important body parts, but he's using that as a crutch to hide his fear. This is dedicated to him and people like him who are unwilling to acknowledge their fear in public.  We can't overcome our fears unless we face them.  That's why I put Compensation Package in that briefcase.  I was trying to help.

When I thought of the mantra, I thought if he followed that advice, he could drive at the pace he desired while not having to worry about spilling his coffee.  We ran some tests with a customer's vehicle, and after the fifth time through the test loop, we were able to keep the coffee where it belonged.  I downloaded our results to my friend and encouraged him to embrace his fear and try again.

He was not interested, so I had to use additional encouragement.  I told him that it was impossible to  improve a skill by not doing it.  He challenged me by implying holding coffee while driving wasn't a reasonable skill that required improvement.  THAT IS WHAT I TOLD HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE!  Since he had started us down this path, and development dollars had already been consumed during testing, we had to keep moving forward.  That is the AcMo way.

First, we had to break for a snack.  I was tired and my energy levels were low.  After my snack, I took a nap.  When I awoke I had him work on smoothing his steering inputs when setting up for a corner.  I also noticed he had a tendency to perform pit maneuvers on slower cars that wouldn't budge from the right lane, so we worked on that as well.  I suggested he get in front of them and drop spikes because that wouldn't damage his bumper and he would be clear of the ensuing mayhem.  He liked the idea and is considering contracting with us for an AcMo Spy Hunter-inspired upgrade kit.

Once his steering inputs were fixed, we had to work on smoothing brake application while attaining maximum brake effectiveness.  This is one of my favorite exercises when doing training.  We tell each student that we have a simulated brick wall made of foam that the car must approach at 100 mph then slow and avoid in an emergency lane change maneuver.  What we tell the students, and what we do are not the same.  The wall is not simulated brick, but real, and it moves!  It is impossible to win the emergency lane change maneuver because the wall will always be in the vehicle's path.  The best any student can hope to achieve is a glancing blow.  We are certain that the only way to garner tangible benefits from training is to train as if it is the real thing.  That is why we had to do the live-fire exercise.  Now I know which employees will not hold fast during a firefight, and which will save the day.  Acting as if a simulated scenario is real, and it actually being real are never quite the same.  Also, if the students knew that before starting, they would all flee.  That may be a better option now that I think about it since tuition is non-refundable.  It could do a lot to raise our profit margins there.

Students only ever hit a couple of the bricks, but since they're so strong, they do plenty of damage.  We are fortunate to have such understanding customers who let us use their vehicles for training purposes while they are in our care.  Our school couldn't survive without our generous customers.  Again, I'm almost certain we received prior consent, but just in case we didn't, the agreement is part of the binding services contract we require every customer to sign before starting any work.

It is quite a sight when an airbag detonates by surprise.  When I say surprise, that is a slight exaggeration because I knew we were going to hit those bricks, and I knew that would be enough to activate the airbags, but my friend still thought we were about to make first contact with foam bricks.  You should have seen his face.  He had about the same look anyone else would have if Mike Tyson (in his prime, oh who am I kidding?  Any time) jumped out of your steering wheel and punched you in the face while yelling, "BOOM!"  I should have given him the headband mounted GoPro for that one.  Shoot!  I'll have to remember that for next time.  We do have to be careful about what footage we share because sometimes customer's may recognize their vehicles and object to the display.  Oh, I know what to do.  I can blur the vehicle so it won't appear on screen just like Wonder Woman's invisible jet.  What?  How else can she possibly be flying in a seated position?  That reminds me of a Superman joke I heard a few weeks ago.  That joke will have to wait for another time.  I lost the moment.

We're not that far off from creating our own invisible jet.  Take a look at our new friend, Vantablack, if you think we're not serious about this.  The revenue streams available to us with invisible jets are way too lucrative to ignore.  That would just be bad conglomerate building business.  AcMo is known for a lot of questionable things, but making bad business decisions is not one of them.  That's how we've survived all of these years.

Once we recovered our senses from the crash, we were right back on the training course to put everything together to make this project a success.  The car sounded like the impact had knocked out a cylinder or two, but since it was still running, we decided to do more runs on the test course.  Hey, if there's gas in it and it runs, we're driving it.  That is also the AcMo way.  I was impressed with how well my friend picked up the lessons I tried to impart because I've been told by more than a few people that I'm a horrible teacher.  He was now smoother, faster, and more confident through the test course.  It was quite a surprise to both of us when the coffee spilled anyway, scalding him a bit.  I don't know for sure, but that's what the medical staff hinted had happened.  Because of HIPAA, they aren't allowed to tell me anything, and now I can't find my friend to ask him.

I feel confident in saying that we both learned a lot of solid lessons from our training program.  The best part about all of this is that I don't even like coffee.  However, it should serve as a representation of the dedication I have to bolstering AcMo's revenue streams, and the tangential efforts I will make to assist a friend.  Also, the biggest lesson here is that it is best to avoid coffee altogether, or to put your stupid coffee into your cupholder where it belongs right next to your stupid mobile device, and to pay attention to driving.

Smitty

"...they merc'd Smitty!"

Spelling real words is super difficult for me, so made up words are almost impossible.  I did the best I could, but if you have a problem with that, contact my editor.  He will of course tell you what I've been saying since day 4, which is that the complaint department is closed and your best option is to pound sand.

I don't know who Smitty was, but he must have been important enough since Wu-Tang Clan affiliate Cappadonna wrote and recorded "Speed Knots" about him.  At least I think the song is about Smitty, but I can't really tell because I don't understand what's happening.  I do know that according to Cappadonna, Smitty is killed in the first verse before the song starts accelerating.  Smitty doesn't even get to make an appearance on the song.  I can only hope that the police investigation into his murder was more exhaustive than Cappadonna's exposition.  RIP Smitty.

Time travel is difficult. I have to be careful about both the words I use and to whom they are directed during every conversation. Some things I know have already occurred while others didn't happen the way the history books reported them, similar to how CNN likes to report "news".  "Speed Knots" was released on the album Slang Prostitution which I first heard on napster in 1998 before the Y2K bug/feature brought down the computer age and caused the birth of SkyNet.  The official party line is that Slang Prostitution was released on January 27, 2009, so I don't know what to tell you.  One of us has it wrong, and it isn't me.  Believe what you will.

Based on the above information, any reasonable person should be able to understand why I'm having trouble identifying Smitty and his general historical significance. Extensive Wikipedia searches were unsuccessful. If it isn't on Wikipedia, it probably hasn't happened yet. That site is the anchor that keeps me grounded in whatever moment in time I happen to be inhabiting during any Internet enabled periods.

This story is just a slice from the arduous struggle I commit to on a daily basis to avoid making a historical context mistake that alters the world in unimaginable ways.  It is a heavy burden to carry, but I'm equipped to handle it.  Everyone should know that their futures are safe with AcMo.  We plan on introducing a line of portable time machines into the market once we can solve the inherent paradoxes that plague time travel.  If we do it right, you'll think the time machines were always there.  They will be as ubiquitous as microwave ovens.  In fact, they may even be microwave ovens.  That way you can warm your food while you time travel because that kind of travel takes a lot out of a person.

Bottom line, I liked the song and wanted an excuse to mention it, but I had hoped to discover that Smitty was an international man of mystery who happened to chill with the Wu-Tang clan on occasion. Maybe he was the cousin of the most interesting man in the world. I don't know yet, but I'm going to find out the truth and maybe solve the mystery of who killed Smitty.  I've been trying to find the exact date he was murdered so I can travel a few days before and follow him to see what I can learn about his life.

Next time you see me, I'll probably be a detective even though I don't have time to spend solving crimes when I have business puzzles that are in dire need of solutions.

Invisible Bark

This discovery has been a secret for at least the last five years.  None of the staff here at AcMo have a clue that I've been holding this information.  I wouldn't be shocked to learn that everything I'm about to share is listed in a classified file in a forgotten cabinet inside one of the government's secret bunkers.  I have been debating the best way to share this amazing news with the general public, and I think I finally found the proper medium.

I spent the last two years studying this phenomenon.  I have come to the only logical conclusion available:  evolution has produced trees that are capable of growing camouflaged bark which can completely hide them from detection.  The trees are only visible when they want to be.  My research indicates that the trees were only doing what was in their best interest.  They hid so they wouldn't be cut down or built on.  I'm not sure they thought it through though since most real estate developers would see the open land and start salivating.  The plan would go sideways the moment a backhoe ran into one of the hidden trees.  They would then need  to engage their fight or flight response, and as far as I know, trees can't do that.  However, I didn't know they could modify their bark.

I know that this sounds insane.  I wouldn't believe it either, except for the fact I ran into one of these trees.  That was one of those rare moments in which the tree did come out of nowhere.  While it didn't move, I was knocked off my feet.  I made a semi-soft landing on the grass, rolled, and then stopped in a crouched pose.  I was ready for combat, but I couldn't see my attacker.  It was too fast or invisible because no other explanation made sense.  The tree had materialized out of nowhere the way the schooner materializes in the 3D picture.  I was flabbergasted.  It was as improbable as the Minnesota Wild taking the Colorado Avalanche to a game seven series final.  Yet both events have happened.  I think I uttered the word, "inconceivable" when I figured out what I had uncovered.

Nothing to see here. Move along in a calm and orderly fashion, please. 

I already told you, there's nothing to see here.  Move along.  I won't tell you again.

Wait, what's that?

Oh, hello!

How did you do that, tree?

There's more!

They are EVERYWHERE!

Now that I have shared this astonishing news, take a few moments to collect yourselves.  This is a lot to process, and it disturbs the accepted understanding of the natural order of things.  I was a mess for weeks when I discovered this.  Are you collected now?  Good, because I am handing out a homework assignment.  I need all of you to find more hidden trees.  We need to bring them to light before they disappear forever, or another hapless soul runs into one like I did.  Not everyone is as stout as I am, so someone could get hurt, and we don't want that.

Rule #1

People have the impression that it is all fun and games in the Accelerated Momentum offices.  It is, but we do tackle some serious life issues here.  We do our best to attack them when they least expect it with a smile on our faces.  That is why you must always be cautious of everyone who is smiling as they approach you.  One issue that is of utmost significance to us--which we want to share with the world--is rule number one.

Rule number one states that no falling is allowed.  This is for physical falling only.  Metaphorical falling is not only allowed, but encouraged.  Trust falls are a grey area, but we lean toward those being on the dangerous side of the ledger.  Falling is the number one cause of bodies hitting the ground, and it must be eradicated.  Falling can lead to head trauma, and head trauma can lead to Crazy Brain Syndrome (CBS).  CBS not only ruins your day, it can mess up prime time, and your weekend.  CBS leads to memory problems, confusion, agitation, and behavioral changes.

Wearing a helmet isn't enough to protect against CBS.  The only valid defense is to eliminate the cause:  falling.  Hence the reason for rule number one.  There are a multitude of options to reduce everyday falling in your life, but I leave the best approach to each individual and her/his respective skill level.  An expert solution would leave a novice lost, confused, and probably on the ground, which we don't want.  I must stress that a Fall Prevention Plan (FPP) should be the first thing every person considers before getting out of bed, or doing anything at all.

For anyone having trouble creating their FPP, I will provide a starting point.

1. Are you wearing shoes?  Y/N
2. Are the shoes yours?  Y/N  If Yes, see #4.  If No, see #3.
3. Take off the shoes.  Pretend this never happened.  Put on your own shoes, then proceed to #4.
4. Are you wearing the shoes correctly?  Y/N
5. Do these shoes have laces?  Y/N.  If Yes, see #6.  If No, skip to #7.
6. Are they tied?  Y/N  If Yes, see #7.  If No, tie your shoes now.  We'll wait.
7. Proceed with caution while frequently checking to ensure your shoes are still on your feet.

If you are unable to answer any of the above questions, it is too late for you.  CBS has already destroyed your brain.  For everyone else, this is a primer to help spur action, not a comprehensive guide of items that should be on your FPP if you're serious about not falling.  The FPP alone can't do the job.  Vigilance is a critical partner in achieving fall elimination.  Join me in the campaign to eradicate falling to rid the world of one of the causes of CBS.  Your brain will thank you, and so will I.  For those wondering, head trauma from causes other than falling is #2 on the list for causing CBS.  This must also be stopped, but we haven't created a plan for that yet.

This warning, while not directly related to falling, seemed appropriate to place here:

Chasing the Line

The Keyhole @ Mid-OH (If your car ends up out here, you're doing it wrong.)

AcMo was founded so that we could get paid to play on tracks around the country.  That was the idea and vision.  The reality is that the bills are hard to pay--key person insurance is a real killer, and track time is expensive.  AcMo was forced to pivot during a time of extreme economic distress.  That pivot placed us in a unique position to offer track related services to our clients.  We differ from the other companies out there in that we do all of our testing using our client's vehicles.  This reduces our overhead, and provides us the opportunity to break other people's machinery.

We are excited to announce that we have recently acquired two test drivers who last worked with Daewoo in the chassis development department.  These two have said they are responsible for the signature wooden float ride and expired and dried out sponge handling of Daewoo's cars.  No one here understood any of that, perhaps as a result of a translation error, however, we think we liked what they were selling, so we brought them onboard for an unpaid probationary period.  Plus we didn't want to be rude.  Those cost savings are not passed along to our clients.  We can't afford it.

I would appreciate it if you keep our financials confidential because the staff here and the new marketing department are not aware that we are perched on the edge of a bottomless pit of financial despair and ruin.  A few poorly timed trades involving pork bellies have not helped the situation improve.

If you consider yourself a high performance driver, keep reading.  If not, keep reading anyway because you will learn something, and we don't get paid for this stuff unless everyone reads the whole post.  When racing or doing Driver's Ed (DE), the proper driving line is important--even more so when you are at a track that charges for unintentional lawn mowing.  I still maintain that type of mowing is a valuable service, and the tracks should be paying us.  Whether you are trying to win your DE, or a professional race, driving the correct line in the correct direction will help get you there. 

First you need to know where the line is.  A different perspective often helps visualize the correct line through corners.  We prefer to use the AcMo helicopter to gain that perspective, but since we've never had a profitable day, we've been reduced to using a custom-built, carbon fiber chassis quadcopter equipped with eight GoPro Hero 3+ Black Edition cameras.  This is only used when we can afford to charge the batteries.  I would share video from our latest track walk, but I am tired of having people steal my life's work and profit from it, so now it is only shared with paying clients on a sporadic basis.

We live and drive in three dimensions, so the track walk is another component of our complete track analysis.  Walking the track isn't enough though; it's critical that you pay attention to the track surface and direction instead of daydreaming while enjoying a brisk walk.*  Once you've established a general idea of the line through corners it is time for one of our instructors to get in your car and experiment.  We Start out slow and build speed as we memorize the correct line and braking zones.  We've found that the best way to tackle braking zones is with your eyes closed.  No one ever wins their DE in the first session, but you sure can lose it if you crash in the pit lane on the out lap--true story.  

This is just a general primer to help point you toward fast lapping your favorite track some time soon.  If you would like additional information, or even better, want to hire us to destroy your prized possession, contact us today!  We have a client who is in the process of acquiring a Porsche 911 Turbo.  He's already tasked us with showing him the car's full potential.  We have pre-registered for events at VIR and Summit Point to show the owner just what it takes to break a 911 Turbo at high speeds.  This knowledge will benefit him a great deal on his next new vehicle purchase which will be to replace his soon-to-be broken 911 Turbo.  We also plan to flog the replacement vehicle on track.

Knowing the proper technique and executing on a competent and repeatable basis separate the punters from the heroes.  At AcMo, we've been turning heroes into punters for decades.  If you encounter an AcMo approved vehicle and driver at your next track event, give them both a wide berth.  You know the driver will be fast, but the car will be close to its expiration date.  We may not be the best or fastest, but we know how to cut corners (and track lawns) better than anyone.  Become an AcMo approved driver today.  The track awaits.

*It has been brought to my attention that track walks during active driving sessions are prohibited.  I forget the exact reasons why, but it had something to do with traffic, liability, and extreme danger, or, in other words, a bunch of legal nonsense.