Of Bees and Men

There was a time when Snob Duben and myself could talk through any disagreements we had.  That ended after he suffered a brain injury from a paper projectile that impacted his dome which I may or may not have fired.  It occurs to me now that the injury was also around the time Snob became deranged and began believing that the 288 GTO was a better car than the F40.  A lot of pieces are coming together for me now.  There's a chance I've been looking at this all wrong.  Snob may not be in full control of his faculties.  It is better I learn this now rather than later.

Negotiations have been suspended with Snob.  He has gone too far this time. He has appropriated page 2344 from our playbook and engaged the use of a proxy to fight his battle.  This time it is a lawyer who will soon know what it means to be beaten by a Law & Order law degree holder.  This is a blow to my Omnicron Corp. take over mission, but this may present an opportunity to strengthen AcMo's reserves.

I want to caution readers who are squeamish before reading the attached threat letter.  I can only think to describe it as caustic.  Here is the attack in unedited form:

To The Cowards At AcMo-

Read the following and weep as you cower in fear, which I understand is what you do best.  My client, Snob Duben of the resurrected and improved Dubendous Momentum (DuMbo), requested that I contact you to threaten your organization.  As all parties are more than aware, relations between AcMo and DuMbo have been strained, BUT the most recent hostility resulting in Snob's threat of unleashing grievous bodily harm is the only way he knows how to operate.  

In response to AcMo’s action, my client would like to remind you and your company that he has a VERY large investment in one of the largest honey production corporations in the United States, and he has complete control over the worker bees in his expansive bee hive collection.  With this knowledge in mind, he would like you to read the following story:

http://goo.gl/2TJzn3 (This is a straight up threat right here in case you can't figure it out on your own.  Law & Order law degree?  Right.  You stand no chance against us and DuMbo.)  The bees referenced in that link were operating under the control of DuMbo.  We regret that an innocent civilian lost his life in that operation, but angry bee swarms are very difficult to control and mishaps will often occur.

Now, an intelligent individual might perceive this as a threat.  Since you lack intelligence, one of the many reasons we are at this point, and because I know what's in my client's heart, I can only say he requested a written warning of impending action be communicated.  His intentions are far too dark for me to repeat and retain my law license.

If you have any further questions regarding this matter, feel free to contact us here at the Doomass Strategic Communications Consortium (DSCC), but your best move is to run and hide until the bees are gone.

Thank you for your time (as if you had a choice),

Azweepay Doomass, MTS, CFPS, FNSS, NBCFCH, CMC, CMP, CEM, CPBE, MAAA, CRMA, Esq.

S.V.P, Concerning Menace Division

Doomass Strategic Communications Consortium (DSCC)

What would a normal business operator do in this situation?  That's irrelevant because we don't run a traditional business, and I'm not an operator.  The first thing I did was shred the letter.  I'm pretty sure that this means war.  I will postpone my takeover bid on Omnicron Corp. to focus all of our resources into smacking Snob and his DuMbo operation back into place.  I do not enjoy this type of action, but this "legal" threat has left me no choice.  One thing I did notice that was strange about the letter is that this Azweepay Doomass did not list a business address.  In order to do maximum damage, I'm going to need to discover that and the location of Snob's honeycomb hideout.

I had the research team look into Azweepay Doomass, and the results were not good--for him.  While his educational background is stellar (gold star recipient K-6), the records become spotty after that regarding university and law school, but it appears there were no more gold stars.  His life seems to have taken a dark turn moments after retaining Snob Duben's DuMbo as a client.  The information from the bar association revealed numerous censures and ethics violations hearings that were all related to DuMbo cases.  The fines levied were out of this world!  He can't be considered to be on my level in terms of legal standing and court room expertise.  I will enjoy burying him in a sea of motions to start.  That distraction will provide a window for me to teach Snob a few things about the business world.  In my younger years, I would have just painted some psycho clown masks on a few of my spiders and sent them over to Snob's offices to make webs everywhere, but I'm much smarter now and will handle the situation like a professional.  I also need to remember to add Azweepay Doomass and DSCC to my growing list of acquisition targets.

The paint shop is working on getting the psycho clown masks painted onto the spiders anyway, but I don't think we're going to need to use them.  I have a secret weapon Snob doesn't know about yet.  My time spent studying in Shaolin with the Wu-Tang Clan yielded an unexpected gift.  I have the ability to control angry bee swarms.  If Snob unleashes his bees to attack AcMo, I will be able to turn them back on their sender with extreme prejudice.  All I need is a hypnotic beat, a clever hook, and some metaphorically deep rhymes to do the job.  Once the bees find out Snob wasn't planning on paying them, they may attack him on their own.  They do not like it when you mess with their money.

OR, we can settle this like true businessmen and let our wives battle it out on television.  That would be much easier for me since I can just find a wife or two who have combat training.  I shouldn't have any trouble finding women with that particular skill set on Craigslist.  This is about to get interesting.  All of the DRAMA could have been avoided if Snob would have just admitted he doesn't have a clue and that the F40 is the best ever.  I suppose people have gone to war over less.

Blast Shields

Almost every day at AcMo involves a meeting with the lawyers.  These meetings are never fun because all the lawyers care about is AcMo's exposure to lawsuits.  According to the lawyers, AcMo has a lot of exposure.  I think they just say that to justify the outrageous bills, but maybe they are right.  These meetings often end with a directive that AcMo must get in front of the impending product scandal and issue a release explaining the situation.  I almost never do that because it is too hard to come across as sincere and caring while explaining how and why we let a defective product into the marketplace.  The truth is, defective or not, we can't function unless we're shipping product.

Today is one of the rare days I was willing to do what was recommended by AcMo's lawyers.  It is good for morale to let them have a victory every once in a while.  No one likes hanging out with grumpy lawyers.  It's even worse when you have to pay for them to be here and they are making every one else miserable.

When your TGEx™ has had enough and decides to explode, our patented AcMo blast shields (marketing is late as usual with a super cool product name) will protect you and others from shrapnel damage.   Granted, shrapnel was instrumental in transforming Tony Stark into Iron Man, but the odds of that happening again are low.  If you like to gamble, by all means, give it a shot, but don't try to sue AcMo when the outcome is not optimal.  We want to protect our customers and those around them from injury or death.  We would tell you to shop elsewhere, but the business model can't survive that.

The blast shields are designed to withstand multiple explosions of a maximum 0.5 kilotons of energy before needing replacement.  These shields are built to withstand heat in excess of 2000º .  You could bake or grill with these shields, although there is a high likelihood of chemicals leaching into your food.  Upon further consideration, please only use the blast shields for their intended purpose and nothing else.  We cannot warranty shields used for cooking, fishing, or as extra seat cushions.  Each package contains about one year's worth of protection.  By minimizing the propagation of the energy blast, engines and transmissions can sometimes be salvaged for future use.  The AcMo blast shields are a unique blend of kevlar, carbo-titanium, and a modicum of newt's eye.  That last ingredient is responsible for giving them their sparkle--at least before the first explosion.  They don't sparkle any longer after that.  In fact, they will look charred and deformed after the blast, but they will still function.  I think.  I haven't had the courage to test them with a second blast.

Running a TGEx™without the blast shields puts yourself, your passengers, innocent bystanders, and other motorists at increased risk of shrapnel damage.  Don't be part of the problem, be part of the short-term solution.  We hope to have the TGEx™fixed before too many of them are sold, but we can't stop production at this time.  The costs involved are too great to not have our products on store shelves.  AcMo urges caution when using our products, and we hope that none of you explode in the process.  That's why it is so important to run our Blast Shields.

TGE™ Success x2!

This is what happens when you don't respect the torque gaps.

I am thrilled to announce that the Torque Gap Exploder™ will now be added to our expanding product lineup.  This decision was the result of exhaustive field trial failures which did not produce a workable alternative.  The TGEx™is the result of intensive R & D gone wrong.  The engineers couldn't come up with a solid resolution, so we did the next best thing:  full blown spin control.  Consider it a happy accident that benefits the consumer similar to kevlar, Post-It's, IBM, the line of scrimmage, the infield fly rule, crock pots, and others.

The TGEx™, like every AcMo product, is for the discerning connoisseur who does everything in fine style.  Install the TGEx™ then prepare to call your transport service to pick up your now junked vehicle.  Those still under the manufacturer's new vehicle warranty will be thrilled to learn that the explosion will not be covered.  This is why we test on other people's cars first.  The TGEx™allows anyone to detonate their engine during power application.  We discovered this unique feature during our first test.  We believed it was either a manufacturing defect, or at worst, not installed in the correct manner.  The manual doesn't include installation instructions at this time because I've been too busy to write them, so we decided against the culprit being an installation error.  We ran detailed simulations using our vast network of compromised servers to confirm the design's validity. That left product defect from the manufacturer.

The printing facilities are across the hall from my office, so I sacrificed my lunch break to run over there to supervise the production line.  I have surveillance covering every inch of the AcMo headquarters, but even in 3D, these cameras don't provide an accurate representation of the real thing.  It was a surprise to walk into the room and hear the printers for the first time.  They are much louder than I expected.  I think I violated a few OSHA regulations since I didn't wear hearing protection or safety glasses, but I kept my eyes closed most of the time, so I think I'm good.

Stepping into the manufacturing facilities filled me with joy.  I don't know why I didn't do that sooner.  One day the entire building will be full of 3D printers creating the next stage in automotive innovations.  For now we are just 6 printers, with a seventh reserved for development of printing edible food as part of a side business.  Each printer creates the TGE™or TGEx™from a block of undisclosed material (I have too many competitors who want this tech to give up all of the details) that will soon be installed in a car near you.  Another development from our field testing was the creation of TGEx™blast shields.  These are designed to limit shrapnel exposure and collateral damage when the inevitable explosion occurs and the engine's internals flee to safety outside the block.  A happy customer is a returning customer, and an exploded one is bad for our street cred.

AcMo will have a detailed release regarding the blast shields the moment I have time to tell the marketing department we have a new product.  I accept that our communication skills may not be the best, but I just do not have time to update the marketing department about every second of every day. To be honest, even though I know the department is essential to AcMo's continued success, I still have not been able to accept their intrusive nature.

We now have two great products, with two similar names, sold in the same packaging.  AcMo wins, and the consumers win no matter which product you purchase.  AcMo is considering a two for one special, dependent on demand and on a first come, first serve basis.

The TGEx™t-shirts are still combusting when worn in direct sunlight, UV light, or, to be honest, any kind of light.  We are working hard to solve the issue, and hope to have the t-shirts stable enough for transport within the next few weeks.

Exuberant doesn't begin to describe the mood in the AcMo offices.  We are about to take complete control of the automotive world while no one is watching.  GM's recall woes couldn't have been timed better for our purposes.  I know you're thinking our SOD had something to do with GM's problems, but I assure you that our external disaster team had not yet been formed when GM went bad.

Temporary Testing Position Available

Things happen fast at the track.  It is not a joke or a playground, or somewhere to play bumper cars, despite the fact most professional racing series indicate otherwise.  Disrespect the forces involved at your own peril.  We say that a lot around the AcMo offices.  Along with, "Luke, I am your father."  (Luke's dad really does work here, but we're not sure who he is.)

Everyone knows the old saying, "A surprise for a surprise."  AcMo responds to life's surprises by issuing our own surprises.  Today we have the surprise announcement that a coveted test driver position has become available due to a training mishap involving one of our two ex-Daewoo test drivers.

My Korean is not as strong as I would like, and the word I used for "left" does not appear to mean left in Korean. Based on the driver's actions, my direction was interpreted to mean that he should continue straight, and not to even consider applying the brakes. A lot of damage ensued, which did not require translation. The result was a ruined vehicle, a massive guard rail bill, and a driver who has been banned from any further testing in any vehicle. Cars can be replaced with enough money, but people can't. At least I don't think they can. Perhaps a 3D printer exists that can print people. I need to research that.  A lot of AcMo's personnel problems could be solved in a couple hours.  At the time of this writing, since it is inconclusive whether or not people can be 3D printed, we are grateful that our test driver was not injured in the crash. 

We had to release the driver from his contract when he finished his walk back to the pits from the crash site. Business in this industry is too important to carry liabilities. He was no longer of any use. At AcMo, every employee is like family until a mistake is made. Then they have to be excised before the poison can spread into the rest of the organization, just like family. 

AcMo is built upon a foundation of excellence.  Everything on top of the foundation is far from excellent, but our base is solid.  Therefore, we can only employ the best in the field since we need to compensate, and a chain is only as strong as its weakest link.  If you think you have the skills to work in a low paying, high pressure, frenetic environment, and know how to use a fire extinguisher--aim at the base--contact us soon.  Unless we have another testing mishap, the position will not remain open for long.

The applicant must have a suitable vehicle for testing purposes and a driver's license.  Previous experience is nice, but not required.  It is most important that the driver be able to embellish experience and capability, as those are essential for appearing fast.  We talk the talk here, and sort of crawl the walk.  AcMo gets it done.  Join the team today!

We have a simple philosophy here when testing parts suitability:  if we can't break it, no one can.  We have so far only encountered a handful of parts and complete vehicles that we can't break.  We are always looking for opportunities to expand our database.

Suitable vehicles include, but are not limited to:  Audi R8 V10 Plus, BMW M6 GC PP, Cadillac CTS-V, Ferrari LaFerrari, F50, F40, 288 GTO, Lamborghini Aventador, McLaren 650S, any Pagani vehicle, Porsche 991 GT3 (post engine change), 991 Turbo S, and a Rolls Royce Ghost Series 2 (great parts haulers).  We've found that people are often willing to supply free parts when they see you arrive in a Rolls Royce.  We built a whole car this way in our first year in business.

If you have any of these vehicles, and would like to get involved in AcMo's proprietary destructive testing business, send us a fax.  We also accept message by carrier pigeon, but be warned that response time lags with messages sent by pigeon.

Boston Marathon 2014

How do you show the world a race is the embodiment of strength and courage while in the midst of cowards who strike while hiding?  My friend ran the race this year as a tribute to the 2013 marathon bombing victims.  He isn't a veteran long distance runner.  He made the decision to race this year the moment news spread about the bombing last year.  He heard about it and knew he had to do something.  Competing in this year's marathon was his answer.

When cowards attempt to destroy people's lives through senseless acts of violence, the cowards almost always lose in the end.  There are few better motivators to bring people together, and strengthen their resolve than a common enemy and cause.  The human spirit is often far more resilient than people know.  The bombing last year has sent an unforeseen ripple effect through time which began to manifest the moment the energy was released from the device.

I think one of our country's strengths is our ability to fight against adversity.  Terror can never defeat us as long as we stand up and fight against it.  Running any marathon is a herculean feat, and this one  was also a symbolic gesture. It also serves as a reminder to all of those who wish to do harm to innocent people that there will be consequences far beyond what can be imagined.

My friend was already a hero in my eyes.  He is a nice guy, husband, father, job creator, and doesn't know the meaning of "I can't".  He has done a great deal of charitable work, and he is always willing to lend a hand to anyone who asks.  If he knew I was writing this, he would be upset with me for talking about it.  That's one of the reasons I haven't mentioned his name--no, you won't trick me into revealing it.  I've learned how to prevent that through extensive Jedi mind training.

I still think it's important that anyone reading this knows that there are people who don't care about accolades and do random acts of heroism simply because they can.  His act was a tribute to those who bravely stood against fear and fought back, and to remind us all that we are unbreakable when we stand together.  I remain in awe of those who are able to answer the inner call to do more than they have ever been asked to do.

To everyone who was affected by the bombing last year, I am only one man with one voice, but I stand behind you from my keyboard.  People far better than I--like my friend--will run, walk, or roll if necessary, across the finish line with you.  For the record, he finished the race in four hours and a few minutes.